Asheya

A Good Day

2012-02-03T00:12:00.000-08:00

Today was a good day. I looked after the kids in the morning, and I really enjoyed doing it! I feel the need to share this after my last post; I have a lot of bad days, but every so often I do have a good day, and I want to notice the good days and that they are possible. One thing that helped make this a good day is that between Eric and our new helper, I didn't have to do anything for the kids the last two days. Eric took the kids out of the house all day yesterday, and I had a chance to miss them. So I was looking forward to spending time with them today.

Another thing that made it a good day is that I did things my way and just relaxed; I let Amadeus help himself to rice milk with his porridge, quite a lot of rice milk, actually. I didn't worry about it when he dumped some milk into the porridge pot instead of his bowl. Whatever, really. The kids just eat all the porridge for snack anyway, and they don't care about extra stuff in there. I asked the kids to help me hang laundry on the line, which they did. I didn't get upset when Elias got upset because he thought I was asking him to do too much and all the other kids too little. (Eric had a talk with him about re-thinking the concept of fair: i.e. he is older, we didn't ask him to do as much when he was the same age as the other kids).

I took them to the library for story and craft time, which they enjoyed. While there I interacted with another mom who has a 13 month old--she was running around after him as he tried to pull books off shelves. And I looked at my three kids, sitting patiently on their blue mats waiting for storytime to begin, and I realized, 'hey, this is actually pretty easy!' I was SO GLAD that I was not that mom running around after a thirteen month old, and SO GLAD that my kids are now old enough to be engaged by stories and books and songs and crafts. And I was impressed when Amadeus told me he had to go pee. He didn't have a diaper on, and I took him to the bathroom. He is pretty much potty trained now, with only an occasional accident. I am also really happy about that. Three kids out of diapers signifies a whole new era.

We went to the park after the library, and the kids all rode their bikes around for a bit (Eowyn and Amadeus have glide bikes, otherwise known as two-wheel balance bikes without pedals). Then they played on the playground. Everyone was basically happy, and no one was making life hard or causing conflict with anyone else. We went home and had lunch, and Elias helped cut up a papaya.

I hope the good days continue. It's hard to believe that this kind of feeling, this kind of thinking, is normal for some people. That one day it might be normal for me. Today felt like a huge accomplishment, a huge shift in how I felt, how I thought.

I also really appreciated Melissa's comments on my last post; I read them this evening. I'll respond in the comments section of that post as well, but I just want to say here that I really, really appreciate the support and care from someone who has/is struggling with similar issues.

Eric and I went on a date this evening, and had fun and connected. Today I feel content. Amazing!

Post-Partum/SADD Depression: Coming Out

2012-01-15T19:45:00.000-08:00

I haven't written much on this blog in the last year. There are a number of reasons for that. I started working in February 2011, and my work provides me with online intellectual time, which used to be part of the function of this blog for me. My wrists can only handle so much computer time, so I generally use that up working and then writing for Mothers of Change.

But the other reason is that I've been struggling, and it's hard to write about in the midst of it. I'm still struggling, but I guess I feel it's time to share. And I'm also at a place of self-validation: while judgment from other people is never fun, it only matters if you allow yourself to feel judged. I'm at a place (I hope) where I am not looking for approval or validation from other people, and I can validate myself. That being said, if you feel inclined to leave a less than supportive comment, don't.

I've been experiencing depression since I was pregnant with Amadeus, about 3 years ago. It started about this time of year, in the dark of winter in Whitehorse, when my belly was getting bigger, Eowyn couldn't walk yet, and I couldn't lift her without straining my belly. I felt trapped. I was a stay at home mom who literally had to stay home all the time. My marriage partner was not as understanding as I could have hoped. I wanted to run away, anywhere. I came up with some ideas for how I could get more freedom--unfortunately, those ideas were not very compatible with Eric's ideas of what he wanted. I felt overwhelmed by motherhood and by my marriage. But I figured that would end once the baby was born.

Three weeks after Amadeus was born I got physically very sick, with a nasty diarrheal bug. I wanted to die, and spent all day crying. I scared myself enough that I went and saw a counsellor. She was not particularly helpful. I went to see a naturopath. She gave me some supplements to help my immune system and build my resources, and I felt better. I felt I was doing something for myself, and whether it was a placebo effect or not, it helped me cope.

I was questioning some dynamics in my marriage, trying to decide what I could live with and what I couldn't. I threatened to leave if some changes weren't made. But we were going to central America, and surely I would feel better with sun and warmth and affordable domestic help all winter. Even if my marriage still had problems, at least we would be having problems in a warm climate rather than a cold one.

The sun and warmth and domestic help were good for me. I did not think about dying. I still felt exhausted, and I tried to rest. Eric and I talked about divorce for the first time. I did not think about dying as an option instead of divorce. I wasn't sure if I loved Eric, but I felt I was finding an inner strength, an ability to think about what I could do for myself and what I could change rather than what I wanted him to change. I told him that I needed to live apart for three months when we got home that summer. He begged me to stay, and said he would change his approach to money and time. He started to change. We got home. I still thought I should live apart. We went to counselling. I realized I loved him. I decided to stay. He spent that summer trying to give me lots of time to myself. We went to a lot of counselling sessions, and worked on some of the things that had come up while I was pregnant. I was still breastfeeding, and Amadeus was a year. I had founded Mothers of Change.

Things were looking up. I knew the winter would probably be hard, but we planned to find someone to live with us and help us. This didn't happen until mid-January. I started seeing an individual counselor late in November or December, as I still felt like running away from it all.

Last year around this time, in the dead of a very cold winter, I started having more intense thoughts of suicide. But that made me feel incredibly guilty about my kids--what kind of life would they have knowing that their mom had committed suicide? So I started having thoughts about putting everyone in the van and driving into a lake. Not a rational plan, as all the lakes are completely frozen in winter in Whitehorse. I felt tortured by winter. And it went on and on and on. I started to work, which was good in one way and very stressful in another. The days got lighter, but I still felt depressed.

I went away by myself for a weekend, and all the trapped feelings from the past few years let loose. I finally had some freedom! I drank too much alcohol and made some decisions that were outside the conventional boundaries of marriage. Then I told Eric that I wanted more of that freedom, and I told him what had happened. We separated for a week, while still living in the same house. I felt relieved, like maybe I was finally going to get away from feeling trapped. And then I realized everything I was losing. So I asked him to take me back, and he did.

Not long after that we had a conversation where I ended up crying and locking myself in the bathroom, looking with fear and fascination at my razor. This scared me enough that I took myself to the hospital, asking for anti-depressant medication. I really tried to avoid medication. I hate medication. But my other coping methods seemed to be failing, we didn't have any help with the kids, the counselling didn't seem to be working...what did I have left to try? At the hospital of course they said they couldn't prescribe anything as they didn't have the ability follow up on me, unless I wanted to check myself in, which I didn't. What was outrageous is that they just let me walk away, without a referral to any kind of psychiatric services or any other help--what if I had gone out and killed myself? I went to my doctor shortly after and got a prescription for Zoloft.

A full time helper arrived a few weeks after I started taking the medication, and then we moved to Vancouver for the summer. I added Wellbutrin to the mix, to try to combat low energy associated with Zoloft. I started feeling better, but it's hard to say if it was the medication or the change in circumstances--I had lots of help with the kids, between our helper and Eric's parents, we were out of Whitehorse and in a big city with lots to do, and it was summer. Eric and I were able to spend time together and have fun, in a way we hadn't done since before we had kids.

When we came back to Whitehorse in the fall, we knew we would go somewhere warm and sunny and low stress for the winter, most likely Maui, as another winter in Whitehorse seemed like a very, very bad idea. Actually, impossible for me. Our helper for the summer went back home to go to university, and a new helper joined us. We all liked her, but she hadn't told us that she had a mental health problem. She found the work that we had agreed on was too much for her, so we cut back one of her days, which meant I had one less day to work, which was stressful for me.

I attended a lecture in Whitehorse by Robert Whitaker, the author of Anatomy of an Epidemic, which touched on a large body of research that indicates that anti-depressants actually lead to chronic depression, as well as leading to more serious mental health problems like bi-polar. I was already thinking about stopping the anti-depressants when we got to Maui, so I weaned off them in October. The research also shows that cardio exercise (I think at least 3x a week) and group therapy are as or more effective than medication for a large majority of the population. There's a long waiting list for group therapy in Whitehorse. I had gone to some Zumba classes in Vancouver, and started going regularly in Whitehorse.

Then our helper's mental health deteriorated, she wasn't sleeping, and she started hearing voices in her head. She went home three weeks before we left for Hawaii. I was feeling very overwhelmed at this point, and struggling to make it through to Hawaii. Thoughts of dying would creep into my head and linger.

We arrived in Hawaii and two new helpers arrived the next day. Eric and I spent a lot of time trying to find a place to live and furniture, so there were stresses associated with that, but at least we were in Hawaii! The weather here is amazing. One of our helpers was not doing the tasks we had agreed on that she would do, and when we would talk about things she would agree, say everything was fine, but then walk away and not do it. Eric found this extremely frustrating--it didn't bother me so much, but I was having a hard time hearing him complain about it. So we asked her to leave. And then our other helper announced she was leaving too. So by December 21 we had no helpers.

I love living in Maui. I have not thought about dying in over a month. The ocean now looks like a great place to swim and snorkel, not drown.But I am still depressed. I still feel very overwhelmed by motherhood. I look after the kids for a few hours and feel completely exhausted. The thought of looking after them by myself for a whole day feels extremely overwhelming, even though I have done it. They're getting older, which means they can spend more time playing independently, so this should be getting easier for me. I don't know how I'm going to move on, or if I ever will.

I find it ironic that my work is all about becoming a mother: pregnancy and birth, when I feel incapable of being the mom I want to be, that I thought I would be, that my kids need me to be. I have a lot more compassion for women who take every intervention in the book during birth--taking anti-depressants felt a lot to me psychologically like taking an epidural during childbirth. I don't know how other parents do it. I really don't. I used to be one of those moms; I loved sleeping with my kids, I planned to stay home and homeschool them, I was attachment parenting. Now, I just want other people to look after my kids. This is in conflict with my desire to have a good relationship with my kids.

I've been going through a shift in my identity: not only am I not the mom I thought I was going to be, which was actually what I had planned my life around, but other things have changed too. I no longer believe in god. I wish there was a goddess; but I just don't know. Trying to be in my body is my current spirituality. I have new realizations about my sexuality, realizations made possible by my movement away from Christianity. I hate to say it because it sounds so cliche, but ascribing to Christianity repressed the fullness of my sexuality, and it is only in the past year that I have really begun to embrace myself.

I hope Nietzche was right, and that nihilism is only a step towards becoming a free spirit and living my life as a work of art. I understand why so many people find what they are looking for in religion: it offers security, comfort, a sense of belonging, a sense of meaning, and it's easier than having to decide your own values as you go along. If you are trying to live life by your own values and it feels like it's not working out, religion can be a great trade-off. But there is a cost. I think the cost is a loss of fullness of self; while Christianity in particular allows the comfort of an unconditionally loving god, you cannot allow yourself to be fully realized while striving against yourself. A certain kind of strength is required to label as 'sinful' anything that your religion says is taboo, and to either live with guilt or try to change. A different kind of strength is required to allow everything that is in yourself to be, as it is, without labels, and to define yourself and your values regardless of what others say.

I may be depressed, but at least there's a whole intellectual field of depression (we call it existentialism, post-modernism etc.) to wallow around in. I am not the first to go through this, and I feel like I am a bit behind the times--after all, these ideas were published and being discussed 100 years ago. And I know there are other moms who have felt the same way as me after having children. The kicker for me is that I planned it all. I planned it. I didn't just stumble into motherhood through lack of birth control or failed birth control. This was all planned. This was going to be my life.

Here's a great resource in plain language that provides symptoms of post-partum depression. (From the website Postpartum Progress.) You do not have to be experiencing all of these to have post-partum depression. The one that's the most surprising is that feeling irritated or angry is a symptom, as this is how I feel. I've never just sat around crying day after day. The ones in red text apply to me.

You feel overwhelmed. Not like “hey, this new mom thing is hard.” More like “I can’t do this and I’m never going to be able to do this.” You feel like you just can’t handle being a mother. In fact, you may be wondering whether you should have become a mother in the first place.
You feel guilty because you believe you should be handling (new) motherhood better than this. You feel like your baby deserves better. You worry whether your baby can tell that you feel so bad, or that you are crying so much, or that you don’t feel the happiness or connection that you thought you would. You may wonder whether your baby would be better off without you.
You don’t feel bonded to your baby. You’re not having that mythical mommy bliss that you see on TV or read about in magazines.
You can’t understand why this is happening. You are very confused and scared.
You feel irritated or angry. You have no patience. Everything annoys you. You feel resentment toward your baby, or your partner, or your friends who don’t have babies. You feel out-of-control rage.
You feel nothing. Emptiness and numbness. You are just going through the motions.
You feel sadness to the depths of your soul. You can’t stop crying, even when there’s no real reason to be crying.
You feel hopeless, like this situation will never ever get better. You feel weak and defective. You feel like a failure.
You can’t bring yourself to eat, or perhaps the only thing that makes you feel better is eating.
You can’t sleep when the baby sleeps, nor can you sleep at any other time. Or maybe you can fall asleep, but you wake up in the middle of the night and can’t go back to sleep no matter how tired you are. Or maybe all you can do is sleep and you can’t seem to stay awake to get the most basic things done. Whichever it is, your sleeping is completely screwed up and it’s not just because you have a newborn.
You can’t concentrate. You can’t focus. You can’t think of the words you want to say. You can’t remember what you were supposed to do. You can’t make a decision. You feel like you’re in a fog.
You feel disconnected. You feel strangely apart from everyone for some reason, like there’s an invisible wall between you and the rest of the world.
Maybe you’re doing everything right. You are exercising. You are taking your vitamins. You have a healthy spirituality. You do yoga. You’re thinking “Why can’t I just get over this?” You feel like you should be able to snap out of it, but you can’t.
You might be having thoughts of running away and leaving your family behind. Or you’ve thought of driving off the road, or taking too many pills, or finding some other way to end this misery.
You know something is wrong. You may not know you have a perinatal mood or anxiety disorder, but you know the way you are feeling is NOT right. You think you’ve “gone crazy”.
You are afraid that this is your new reality and that you’ve lost the “old you” forever.
You are afraid that if you reach out for help people will judge you. Or that your baby will be taken away.

Do You Have A Thinking Problem?

2011-10-31T14:02:00.000-07:00

I saw this years ago, printed on a piece of paper at a friend's house. I found it again on the internet. I don't know who to credit, but whoever you are, thanks! Now, if only I could find a Thinker's Anonymous group somewhere...

***

It started out innocently enough. I began to think at parties now and then to loosen up. Inevitably though, one thought led to another, and soon I was more than just a social thinker. I began to think alone -- "to relax," I told myself -- but I knew it wasn't true.

Thinking became more and more important to me, and finally I was thinking all the time. I began to think on the job. I knew that thinking and employment don't mix, but I couldn't stop myself.

I began to avoid friends at lunchtime so I could read Thoreau and Kafka. I would return to the office dizzied and confused, asking, "What is it exactly we are doing here?" I soon had a reputation as a heavy thinker. One day the boss called me in. He said, "Man, I like you, and it hurts me to say this, but your thinking has become a real problem. If you don't stop thinking on the job, you'll have to find other employment."

This gave me a lot to think about. I came home early after my conversation with the boss. "Sweetheart," I confessed, "I've been thinking..."

"I know you have," she said, starting to cry, "and if you don't stop, I'll want a divorce!"

"But dear, surely it's not that serious."

"It is serious," she said through her rolling tears. "You think as much as college professors, and college professors don't make any money, so if you keep on thinking we won't have any money!"

"That's a faulty syllogism," I said impatiently, and she began to cry again.

I'd had enough. "I'm going to the library," I snarled as I stomped out the door. I headed for the library, in the mood for some Nietzsche, with NPR on the radio. I roared into the parking lot and ran up to the big glass doors. They didn't open: the library was closed. To this day, I believe that a Higher Power was looking out for me that night. As I sank to the ground clawing at the unfeeling glass, whimpering for Zarathustra, a poster caught my eye.

"Friend, is heavy thinking ruining your life?" it asked.

You probably recognize that line. It comes from the standard Thinker's Anonymous poster.

Which is why I am what I am today: a recovering thinker. I never miss a TA meeting. At each meeting we watch a noneducational video; last week it was Porky's Revenge. Then we share experiences about how we avoided thinking since the last meeting. I still have my job, and things are a lot better at home.

Life just seemed... easier, somehow, as soon as I stopped thinking.

Summer in Photos

2011-09-20T15:57:00.001-07:00

I hate blogger and how it is impossible to work with photos. Nevertheless...

The trip from Whitehorse to Vancouver (Emma, me, Elias, & Eowyn).

Yes, we set up the tent by ourselves...

(thank you kind math teacher from Georgia who was camped next to us!)

Our au pair from Scotland for the summer, Emma (awesome, we LOVED her!)

I am the driver

Vancouver!!!

A date WEEKEND (yes, you read that right) in downtown Vancouver. Thanks to Eric's parents for looking after the kids! We got quite a few weekends :)

Crab fishing at Michael & Bonnie's on the Sunshine Coast

Elias at Space Camp--who wants to be an astronaut?

The little nose pickers.

Much cuter.

Amadeus' 2nd birthday

Bear Creek Park.

Eoywn's new haircut

My dad's visit when we were in Surrey

Emma doing a wonderful job :)

Me & the kids

Goodbye party at Gramma & Grampy's

The Short Cut Back

2011-08-04T11:00:00.000-07:00

I've been away from this blog for a while, and wasn't quite sure how to start blogging again since my absence has stretched out for months! I have less time now than I used to, as I'm working part time.

However, Eowyn's first haircut, documented in photos, seemed a good way to start. She got her hair cut yesterday, and has been asking us for weeks to cut it short 'like daddy's' because it gets very tangled and she doesn't like having it combed.

I made her an appointment with an Aveda master stylist, and voila!

I'm Still Alive

2011-03-16T18:39:00.000-07:00

For those who are wondering, I am still alive and not a popsicle frozen in a snowbank somewhere in the wilderness near the Yukon River. Although I can't say it hasn't come close.

My blogging has been impeded by my NEW JOB! Which I LOVE! And by tendonitis in my arms, which is not so great.

At the beginning of February I started working with Dr. Michael Klein, who, if you are in the birth world, you will know is a B.C. doctor who has been doing maternity care research for over 30 years now, and very pro low-tech birth and concerned about the way various technologies is transforming birth.

I started working with him on developing online, interactive childbirth education materials for a knowledge translation project he is working on. I'm currently developing the epidural module, which is a pilot project. My deadline is the end of March, so I have been working almost every spare minute! And then there's the tendonitis, which has made it so I need to limit my computer use.

In other exciting news, I have been invited to speak at the birth conference Turning the Tide in Vancouver May 11-13. I am the consumer presenter (others presenting include midwives, doctors etc.). I'm excited about the opportunity, and trying to wrap my mind around what to say in my presentation, titled "Navigating Choices in Childbirth."

Winter is dragging on and on and on here, with a ridiculous number of very cold days, and I cannot wait to go to Maui next year! In my opinion, Yukon summer is nothing to look forward to, and it will be just my luck that this summer is especially cold. And mosquitoey.

Thanks for checking in!

Creating A Tropical Retreat As Best I Can

2011-01-23T13:16:00.000-08:00

My current project to resist the stranglehold of winter is to create a 'tropical retreat' in my office. I am hanging colourful fabrics, doing what I can with the lighting, hanging pictures of warm places and plants, putting plants in the room, playing sounds of songbirds, meditative music etc. on my computer, using refreshing essential oils, and turning up the heat.

My friend Andrea suggested this, and it's a great suggestion.

Of course, at the rate I'm going in getting any of this done, the snow will be melted before I'm finished....

It's Official...

2011-01-22T21:47:00.000-08:00

I hate winter. Have I said this before?

It's not just because I don't like the cold. Long boughts of temperatures below -20 Celsius certainly don't make my hate-affair with winter any better, however.

It's not just because I don't like waking up in the dark, in a house that no matter how much wood you throw on the fire or how high you turn up the oil monitor still has cold floors and drafty windows. A house heated to +25 when it's -20 outside is not the same as an unheated house at +25.

It's not just because my biological rhythms get all out of whack, I get depressed, I get less exercise, and my body doesn't feel right.

It's also because I see how unhealthy my children are, and that really, really makes me mad. Since the beginning of December they have been fighting off one thing or another, despite the Vitamin D I am dosing them with and the herculean effort I often put in to make sure they get outside for 15 minutes of fresh air at -25 and get exercise indoors (I bought them a trampoline for Christmas and take them to the Canada Games Center regularly). Even when they are not really sick, they are coughing, or have snotty noses, or just generally look baggy under the eyes and tired (yes, they get enough sleep--usually 12 hours).

I feed them fresh fruit and vegetables, whole grains, organic beef and chicken, good, good food, but it's not enough.

My children need sunshine. All year.

They need to play outside, naked. All year.

They need to get enough exercise by running, jumping, climbing, exploring, and doing all the stuff kids do outside that is active and makes them fit and helps them develop. It's hard to do all these things in our house and at the Canada Games Center. Kids, in my opinion, should be outside playing most of the time. And it's just not possible when they're bundled to the eyeballs (literally) in snow gear so that they can barely move, and I'm still worried about them getting frostbite.

Friends, there are some birds that stay in Canada for the winter. Ravens are pretty amazing that way. And some of you are ravens, there is no doubt about it. But there are other birds that just aren't designed for this climate, and they have the good sense to fly south. And I am definitely one of those birds. Canada goose, perhaps? I do have a pretty loud honk.

I loved my time in Central America. Loved it. I did not miss winter one bit, except on Christmas day.

So my experiment is done. I don't need to get to May to figure it out. Winter and I are not made for each other.

I am plotting plans. I am having ideas. I am creating avenues for my escape. I will have to endure the rest of this year, but next year....next year!!!! Exciting adventures are to come.

Helper!

2011-01-14T09:18:00.000-08:00

Last night our new helper moved in. I am anticipating great things from this mutually beneficial exchange.

We provide her with free rent in a room in our house, and in exchange she provides us with a certain number of hours per week of housework and childcare.

She is an Au Pair from France who was living with a family here in Whitehorse, and their situation changed and it didn't work for them to have her with them anymore. She was looking for a place to stay, and we were looking for help, and voila!

She is a fairly quiet personality, but seems to enjoy being around the kids and also likes our dog, Luna :)

She washed the dishes last night, which was so awesome.

Eowyn welcomed her by throwing up her yesterday afternoon while I was lying down for a bit with Amadeus. Eowyn hasn't thrown up in ages. The helper dealt with it really well, so that's a good sign.

So, hopefully all works out and we get help and she feels comfortable living with us. She will eat dinner with us and pay $150 per month for food.

I feel my life taking an upward turn, in spite of winter....!!!!

Prenatal Classes Now Online!

2010-12-27T12:00:00.001-08:00

I'm very pleased to announce that I am now offering prenatal classes online! I'm excited about my new venture Connected Childbirth, which will provide more childbirth education options for women around the world.

Courses are in realtime, and start in mid-January. I am currently offering a birthing course, which is the same curriculum as the face-to-face course I have offered in Whitehorse.

I feel like this is the perfect career for me, as I get to do what I love (teach about childbirth!) and in a format that I can do anywhere in the world (goodbye winter!). As long as we are in a place with high speed internet, I'm good to go!

This idea seems so obvious to me now, but it took a few steps for me to get here. As far as I can tell from google searching, there is no one else offering this service.

Please spread the word to anyone who is pregnant, with the link to my website www.connectedchildbirth.com

Thanks!

Photos! September - December 2010

2010-12-26T12:55:00.001-08:00

Finally, photos!

Cranberry Picking in September

Christmas Tree Expedition

Decorating the Tree

Merry Christmas!

In Which Our Children Have Leprosy

2010-12-24T10:47:00.000-08:00

Well, not quite leprosy, but it's not fun either. Eowyn has a bacterial skin infection called impetigo on her face. It's red and spotty on her cheeks, and crusty and weeping right around her nose. I was hoping she would just fight it off with her own immune system and regular doses of breastmilk, but no such luck. I have started treating it with tea tree oil, myrrh, usnea, and golden seal topically. If that doesn't work, I have antibiotic cream as backup.

Elias has a cough, a runny nose, a sore throat, and a miserable disposition while sick.

Amadeus has a runny nose and today I noticed one red spot on his cheek. Oh no!

I can't help thinking that while living in a warm and sunny place doesn't mean you avoid sickness, at least you are in a warm and sunny place! The kids haven't played outside in weeks, as the temperature hasn't risen above -20 Celsius and has been lower than -30 on some days.

It would be nice for the kids (and me!) to get some fresh air and sunshine while sick. Alas, it is not to be.

Costa Rica is sounding REALLY good right now. Along with the fact that my house is a MESS, and I could use a domestic employee.

Despite all this, however, I think we will have a good Christmas. There's lots of presents, so that will be super fun, and we have lots of good things to eat, most of which are pretty healthy. Our friends are coming over tonight to sing some Christmas carols, and my sister and brother are coming for dinner tomorrow night.

And, the tree is already set up with the coloured lights, and just turning the lights on makes it feel like Christmas.

Merry Christmas!

Tactical Errors in Feeding

2010-12-22T12:20:00.001-08:00

I have made exactly the same tactical error the past two days when I have been providing my children with a nutritious meal.

I have served the hearty homemade soup, and then, before they have a chance to devour it all, I have brought out the...biscuits. Now, for Elias and Eowyn this is not such a big issue. Elias is amazingly self-controlled when it comes to food portioning, and is capable of eating a biscuit and his soup, or even placing his biscuit near him and waiting to eat it until he is finished his soup. Yes, he is only almost 5 years old.

Eowyn can understand that if she eats her soup she will get a biscuit. She doesn't always finish her meals, so I withhold the biscuit until the nutritious soup is eaten.

But Amadeus. Is not capable. Of either. I bring out the biscuits, and all I hear is crying, crying, crying and he will not touch a bite of his soup. Not a bite. Then comes the throwing when he doesn't get a biscuit. And lots more crying when I quickly remove any remaining utensils from his vicinity.

It's kind of incredible, really, how children change everything in your life. Everything. I cannot eat anything yummy without having to weigh the cost/benefit of how much crying I will have to listen to compared with how much I really want the particular food.

A person without children can help themselves to whatever food they want at whatever time, without having to think about the consequences. Other adults in the room will not generally pester them for a bite, a bite, a bite, until they get snarly and guard their food like a ravenous dog, or give in and thus reward the pestering and assure themselves of many similar future episodes.

With small children the basics in life (food, sleep) become tactical manoeuvers, requiring great strategy, skill, and forethought. Those who do not think about what they are doing are doomed to endure the consequences of their thoughtlessness. And even if you do think about what you are doing, chances are you will be out-manoeuvered at some point, either by the brilliance of your children's persistance or your own sheer exhaustion from the relentless grind of the need for clever strategies.

I'm on my way now to finish eating lunch. I hope that during my brief absence the soup has been eaten. I am now going to offer blueberries and yogourt for dessert. I am not sure of the wisdom of this move, but I'm hoping I will at least get to eat some in peace. Hoping.

Advent

2010-12-06T13:26:00.000-08:00

I have generally struggled with the Christmas season, scorning materialism, consumerism, and general gift-ism, in favour of more spiritual pursuits such as cultivating true generosity throughout the year, a spirit of expectation and waiting/looking for God, and the revelation of truth and joy on Christmas day.

I have also generally found that there is no revelation on Christmas day--it is just another day, after all. I raise my hopes for some sort of deep meaning and don't find it.

So this year I am abandoning the idea of some sort of deeper meaning, some sort of spiritual expectation, and instead embracing the things that I have previously scorned. My goal this year is to make Christmas special for my children: to spend time together as a family and to spend money on gifts.

This Christmas season for me is about doing: buying gifts, baking cookies, buying Christmas decorations and putting them up. I am not engaging in much reflection about what it all means. I am not worrying about how much money I am spending and whether I am buying into consumerism or missing an opportunity to teach my kids some sort of spiritual truth about giving to others or being thankful for what you have. I am just trying to create some joy and some happiness in the here and now.

And you know what? It's working. We went Christmas shopping as a family two Saturdays ago, and it was really fun. We bought some quite expensive presents that we know the kids will LOVE. I bought some smaller presents that I know will be really fun for them.

Elias and Eowyn mostly know what they are getting, although there will be one or two surprises. This is to help mitigate the inevitable disappointment that comes from getting your expectations raised so high about what your surprise will be that nothing in reality can ever come close to the excitement and happiness you thought you would feel. I let Eowyn choose a baby dolly from the toy store, and the dolly has been put away and she knows she will get it on Christmas day. So she is getting her hopes up, but at least she knows what she is getting her hopes up for.

This next weekend we will get our tree, and we bought some decorations as a family. Each child got to choose a decoration that is theirs.

I've been baking gingerbread and shortbread cookies, and we bought a kit to make gingerbread houses. I bought some holiday window decals, which we will stick on the windows as a family. My parents sent us an advent calendar, which is stickers to stick onto a cardboard picture of a barn each day. I'm doing that with the kids to count down the days to Christmas.

If I get around to it I will encourage Eowyn and Elias to think of a gift to make or buy for each other, and we are making some simple gifts for our friends and family.

On Christmas Eve we plan to go carolling to a few neighbours, and will invite friends to join us if they want to.

This may all seem very simple and common, but in the past I have wanted to avoid common, and I have thought that the simple trappings of the Christmas season were too busy and detracted from the true spirit of Christmas. Whatever that is.

And while I really don't enjoy winter, all this snow certainly does create more of a Christmas feeling for me than last year in Nicaragua. Perhaps that is part of my new approach to Christmas as well--after being in a different culture, with a Christmas that overall can only be described as 'it sucked', I am more willing to embrace the way my culture does things, and ignore whatever problems may accompany that way of celebration. So then I have a more positive attitude about the whole season, and that gets transferred into a better time for myself and my family.

So I am counting down the days to Christmas, this year with the hopes of seeing big smiles on my kids faces, eating some good home cooked food and home baked treats, maybe spending some time with my brother and sister who are town (depending on their plans), but not expecting the day to be some sort of extra-super-special-no-one-has-any-conflicts-everything-is-better-than-usual-with-a-major-and-deep-spiritual-revelation-including-joy-and-peace event. It will just be a day, with some fun presents, I'm sure some conflicts on the part of the kids, some good food, and maybe even the singing of some Christmas carols.

Merry Christmas!

P.S. I just read my Christmas post from last year, and yes! I am doing what I had wanted to do. I am letting go and having fun! That resolution from last year really went deep in me. I had forgotten about what I had written about my children's births, but that is a good reminder to me too: remember the little revelations I have already had.

2010-12-01T10:18:00.000-08:00

Through my friend Melissa's blog I came across this Vancouver Sun article about a woman who is trying to sell her breastmilk, and was kicked off Craigslist.

I have my own opinions about the best ways to ensure human milk for human babies, which are not necessarily shared by those in the breastfeeding world or those in the business of formula production (not that I actually know anyone in the business of making formula!).

Basically, at this point, and unless I learn something new that changes what I think, it is my opinion that there should be a company that makes breastmilk available at a reasonable cost (and buys breastmilk from lactating women) with regulations in place so that certain ethical standards are maintained. I think that a company operating on a business model on a wide scale could offer serious competition to the formual companies and, most importantly, offer the BEST nutrition option to babies whose own parents aren't able to breastfeed them, for whatever reason.

Here's the comment I left on the article:

I understand there are ethical issues around buying and selling breastmilk, for instance, is the breastmilk truly breastmilk and/or undiluted, is the lactating woman compromising her own infant's health by selling so much of her breastmilk that her own baby doesn't get enough? When money is involved, profit can often outweigh common sense and ethical standards.

HOWEVER, and I think this is huge, there are ways to solve these problems AND GET HUMAN BABIES HUMAN MILK.

I think Eats on Feets is one great solution, but it might not work for everyone.

I also think that the value of breastmilk is so great that we actually can't even calculate it, and the time and effort that women put into pumping milk, as well as the toll on their bodies, should not be ignored. Women's contributions to society have generally been undervalued or distorted, especially pregnancy, birthing, mothering, and lactating. It is my opinion that paying women for breastmilk that they donate is part of recognizing how valuable this resource is for babies, not just for the present but for continued health into the rest of those babies' lives.

What I would like to see is either government or an individual company create regulations around purchasing and sellling breastmilk. I think with the right standards in place, ethical issues could be solved and breastmilk could become a real competitor for formula.

In the meantime, Eats on Feets is an excellent solution for those who are comfortable with mother-to-mother milk sharing.

Both donating and selling breastmilk has been around since women and babies. A lactating family member or friend would often breastfeed babies whose mothers were not able to or who were not around, and wet nurses were paid for their services.

I Am the Queen of Surveys

2010-11-21T15:37:00.000-08:00

I have yet another idea for a small business, and so have yet again created a survey! I do not have a marketing degree, but I understand that surveys are the essence of market research.

Please take my survey about birth videos, and help me decide whether to launch an elegant website that provides convenient, easy access to empowering birth videos selected by a childbirth educator and doula (that's me).

If you are or have been recently pregnant, please extra special please take this survey.

Thanks!

Another Amazing Suprise

2010-10-17T10:43:00.000-07:00

Wednesday night Eric usually goes to adult drop-in gymnastics. This past Wednesday I was feeling quite tired, as I had gotten very little sleep the past few nights due to a combination of attending a friend in the birth process at home (she didn't give birth by Wednesday though) and Amadeus waking up in the middle of the night and deciding to PLAY! As Eric was heading out the door I said something like, "I'm glad you get to go to gymnastics, but I wish you could just stay home and help me with the kids because I'm so tired." He kissed me, we said goodbye, he went out the door.

The phone rang right after he left, and when I answered it was Eric, calling me from the cell phone. "Get dressed," he said.
"Dressed? I am dressed," I replied. I'm usually a little slow to catch on to surprises.
"Get dressed up," he clarified. "You're going out."
"What? Really?!"

After I hung up I realized I should have gotten a bit more info, as I hadn't showered in a few days and didn't know what kind of clothes to wear. I called him back.
"How much time do I have? I want to take a shower."
"You've got enough time to take a shower. And I'm at the front door."
I hung up again and opened the front door. There he was standing in his short sleeve shirt in -1 celsius weather. I don't know why he didn't come back in after we hung up the first time!

So I showered and got ready. Eric and I had been talking for the past week about going on a date, and I was hoping that he would come with me on this suprise outing.

I told him, "I hope you're coming with me this time."
He wouldn't say, but at 7 pm Olive showed up, so I knew he was coming along! Olive is a great find, as she is a competent, responsible, friendly high school student who comes over 2-3 times a week to do our dishes and is also available for childcare. The kids like her, and she is good with them. It's such a relief to have someone we can count on and who is happy to make the $10 an hour that is the minimum wage around here.

I still didn't know where we were going, but as we turned on the road to go up to the college, I figured we were going to the Arts Center, although I didn't know what was going on there. Eric still wouldn't tell me!

It turns out that Ballet Jazz de Montreal was giving a perfomance of Jack In The Box-Les Chambres des Jacques. What a great surprise! I don't know much about dance except that I enjoy watching it, and these artists were amazing. The two shows were about 45 minutes each, and full of energy, artistry, human emotion, and creativity. We both really enjoyed the show, and it was so nice to take in a bit of culture again!

After the show we were both feeling hungry, so we ended up at Earls, as that was one of three options that were open for food at that time of night. As we were eating a large group of people came in and sat at a row of tables right beside us. I glanced over and realized that it was the dancers! Only in Whitehorse, right! We thanked them for the show and said we thought it had been amazing. I also felt like each of the dancers had really put themselves into the performance, so I said that too.

Olive called and said that Amadeus had woken up and wasn't going back to sleep, although he wasn't crying. So we got home around 11pm and put him back to sleep.

I am discovering that I like to be surpised! It's fun not knowing where you are going, but knowing that you're going to enjoy whatever it is. Yay for Eric and his romantic side!

Cranberry Picking with Elias

2010-09-20T10:15:00.000-07:00

Yesterday Elias and I went wild cranberry picking in the woods near our house without Eowyn or Amadeus. There had been too much crying and falling down from both of the younger kids on the previous cranberry expedition. And, Elias actually gets some berries in the bucket! And, I wanted to spend some time with just him.

He talked the whole time we were picking. The whole time. And he was full of all these creative ideas and questions. I usually hear bits and pieces of what he is thinking, but then he or I get distracted by the other kids. This time we got to have a whole conversation!

He started telling me a story. I will summarize it here for you. I love it that it is so weird, because he hasn't felt any pressure to conform his storytelling yet. The story was a work in progress, so I will give you a bit of an idea of how the conversation went.

The Angel in the Wild House (this is the first thing he told me, that this is the title of the story)
There's an angel in the house of a builder, and the angel steals scissors and makes a big mess.
(What is an angel?) An angel is like a person with wings and is with God. (Aren't angels good?) This angel is bad. (So, what's the builder's name? And it's the builder's house?). The builder's name is Bob the Builder, actually I want to be the builder, the builder's name is Elias, no actually I want my name to be Bob the Builder. (Here we have a little dialogue about his name and changing it/not changing it. I suggest Elias the Builder, he doesn't go for it. He decides on Builder Bob the Builder. Okay, so what kind of house is it?) It's a wild house. Actually, it's a barn. Because Jesus was born in a barn, and this is God's house. So the wild house is a barn. And there are animals there. (So what is the angel doing?) The angel makes a mess with scissors and cuts up the house. So God kills the angel. (I don't think angels can die...I could be wrong, but I think they live forever. Also, that seems kind of extreme. Would Mommy and Daddy do that if you did something wrong?) Well, okay, God tells the angel to leave, and he can't come back. (What if he changes his behaviour?) Okay, he can come back for a visit.

And that was pretty much the story. Fascinating! I love hearing how his fertile mind is working.

Later we talked about death and the nature of God and the universe.

"So, angels can't die?"
"Well, I don't think they can. I could be wrong."
"So when we die we get buried in the ground. Is God buried in the ground?"
I smiled to myself. Awesome question!
"Yes, God is in the ground, and in the stars, and in between all of matter, everything that we see. She's everywhere."
"What's matter?"
"Matter is anything that has weight and takes up space, like cranberries, or trees, or even air."
"So is God a man or a woman?"
"God isn't a person, and isn't a man or a woman, but a spirit."
"What's a spirit?"
"A spirit doesn't have matter." I pause to think. "Maybe a spirit is made of energy. Light from the sun is energy: it doesn't have weight and doesn't take up space. The reason we often think of God as a man is because God came to earth as Jesus, who was a man. But actually God is a spirit. I use 'she' for God sometimes because we usually use 'he' and that makes us think that God is a man, when actually she isn't."
Elias starts raking the cranberry plants with a stick, disrupting the roots and exposing the earth.
"Please don't do that. It's wrecking the plants and then there might not be any more cranberries next year."
"Oh, okay."
"Here's a good patch over here, help me pick some."

And that is your theology lesson for today :) I love picking wild cranberries; it is quite possibly my favourite Yukon activity. I feel all living off the land and enjoying what grows locally. Now if only Eric had a hunting license and a gun, we could get a moose! (If anyone has moose they want to trade for something we have, let us know...)

We came home with two yogurt containers full of ripe, red, round, large berries. My mouth is already watering thinking of Thanksgiving wild cranberry sauce with roasted organic, local chicken!

P.S. I suppose I could get a hunting license and a gun, but a) I don't like hiking b) I don't have a good sense of direction c) I'm not very strong and have never shot a gun or had to chop up a dead animal and carry/drag it a long distance and d) feminism is fantastic and I love it when women do stuff like hunting when it's in their abilities, but either I'm not a very good feminist or just a different kind of feminist, because I don't think I'm ever going to achieve a, b, or c. I'll focus on women's birth rights instead, how about? :)

Carob Banana Honey Coconut Cookes (No Sugar)

2010-09-19T09:48:00.000-07:00

So healthy that I don't mind if the kids gobble up a bunch. I used a mainstream chocolate chip recipe and altered it to get delicious, healthy cookies!

This is a triple batch, because a single or double batch is just not enough. I like having cookies in the freezer.

3 cups margarine
1 cup liquid honey
3-4 ripe or overripe bananas, mashed well
6 eggs
3-5 tsp vanilla
6 1/2 cups whole wheat flour
1 Tbsp baking soda
1 tsp salt (or some smaller amount: I never measure salt)
2 cups unsweetened shredded coconut
1 cup unsweetened carob chips

1. Cream margarine and honey together. Mash bananas and mix them in.
2. Beat in eggs and vanilla.
3. Add flour, baking soda, salt, and coconut. Mix well.
4. Stir in carob chips.
5. Spoon onto ungreased cookie sheet, leaving room for the cookies to flatten slightly.
5. Bake in preheated 350 degree Fahrenheit oven for 15 minutes or until the tops of the cookies are slightly golden.

An Amazing Surprise!

2010-09-03T15:03:00.000-07:00

Last week Eric mysteriously told me that I could not make any plans for Wednesday night. He said he wasn't exactly sure what was happening, but I should just reserve the night.

I was little annoyed by the withholding of information--what was he up to?--but only pestered him a little bit to try to find out. He said we had to just book a night if we wanted to spend time together, but he didn't know if things would exactly work out.

Then on Wednesday he asked me if he could take the kids out for a walk while I made dinner and got myself dressed up and set out some nice clothes for him. I agreed. It took me a while to make dinner, so when Eric came home I was still running around trying to figure out what to wear. Eric told me I should take my food with me to eat, as I only had 12 minutes left before I had to leave!

I decided to wear a skirt with tights, as it was a cool day and I didn't want to be cold and my legs weren't shaved. Eric said he had pictured something different, and encouraged me to take a few minutes to shave my legs, just in case there was a 'photo or something.' I felt a bit annoyed--why did it matter?-- but I thought that since he had planned a nice evening for us if it was important to him it wasn't a big deal to me, really.

I still hadn't figured out what we were going to do with the kids, as I saw no sign of anyone coming over to take care of them. I thought perhaps we were taking them with us, and I had asked Eric if I should take into consideration getting snot on my shirt when I got dressed. He said I shouldn't.

I hadn't set aside any clothes for Eric, and I had to go in about two minutes. I looked around and the kids were still having dinner. I asked, "Shouldn't you be getting ready?" He said I was going ahead, handed me the cell phone, and told me to drive to the bank ATM and call him from there. How mysterious!

He called me just as I reached Main St., and directed me to go to the ATM and withdraw $60, which I did. Then I walked back to the car, and Eric said, "Look in the glove box." I did, and there was a little green envelope. I asked if I should open the envelope, and Eric said, "This is where I leave you. This is your evening, so enjoy it, and don't call me unless you can't figure anything out." I was surprised! We hung up, and I opened the envelope.

The first instruction was to look under the front seat and wait 10 minutes to open the present there. I knew I was already late, so I decided to eat a bit of food and then just go ahead and open the present. It was a lot of good chocolate bars!

The next instruction was to walk to an address on 2nd Ave, code LP. I didn't know if I was supposed to take the present, so I left it behind. As I walked down 2nd, I realized I was going to Lilie Pie Lotions, a spa! I went up the stairs and into the reception area, but there was no one there. I heard voices in the back room, and saw a list on the reception desk that had my name on it and the names of three of my friends! I walked over to the back room, and sure enough there was Desiree, Kirsten, and Maggie starting to get manicures and pedicures! I was so, so surprised!!!

Eric had called them all the week before to arrange it, and everyone kept it a surprise. He had arranged for a reservation for us at Boston Pizza (since that's where we often go) after, and then for us to go out for karaoke at the Boiler Room.

We had a great time getting our nails and feet pampered, and I got a french manicure on my hands, which I haven't had before. We talked about all sorts of things, including birth of course! I realized the chocolate was for everyone to eat during our pampering, which was very thoughtful of Eric! I didn't go back to get it, as I got into conversation.

My friend Juliann met us at Boston Pizza, since she couldn't make it to the spa. Kirsten had to leave to go home and breastfeed her baby after BP, but the rest of us went to karaoke and I got to get up and sing three different times, once with Desiree. I had so much fun!

I was so amazed that Eric planned not only an evening for me, but an evening for me with my friends, which was so awesome and such a huge surprise. I had absolutely no idea! I never even thought that Eric might have booked me a spa appointment, so it was funny when I thought about the whole "don't wear tights, shave your legs," bit.

I felt very, very loved and very considered. And all my friends were pretty impressed with Eric too!

P.S. I forgot to include a little thoughtful 'cherry on top' that Eric did: he contacted Gary, who runs the karaoke, and asked him to give me the message that I am "beautiful and have a lovely voice!" Gary handed me a note with the message written on it, and reminded me that Eric thought I was beautiful when I got up to sing. Apparently Eric had both emailed and called him to make the sure the message got through. So sweet.

Photos!

2010-08-22T16:54:00.000-07:00

On the Prairie

Amadeus & Grandad

In Regina with Grandmom

At Grandmom & Grandad's house

At the cottage with my Grandma (Granny to the kids)

The cottage with John, Michelle, Kaitlyn, Jacob, Julia and co.

Granny in Ottawa, Elias, Amadeus, Asheya, Eowyn

Elias in Vancouver

In our back yard

At the park behind Granny's house

Photos! These are for family, of course, but most of you just saw us in July. These are mostly for Heilym in Nicaragua. We'll try to do a webcam sometime soon!

They're mixed up in terms of timeline, but blogger SUCKS for photo uploading, so this will have to do.

One last one: Amadeus walking!

Absenteeism...

2010-08-09T19:46:00.000-07:00

I can't believe the last time I wrote on this blog was July!

I have been so incredibly busy, working on Mothers of Change, preparing my childbirth course (which I won't be offering in August/September after all, as there were scheduling difficulties), going on walks with the kids, general household stuff, and I don't even know what all else.

So, what's new?

Well, we went away for almost two weeks in July. Okay, I guess that could account for some of my lack of posting. We visited family in Vancouver, Ottawa, and Regina. It was a whirlwind tour, and I travelled from Ottawa to Regina with all three kids by myself, a three and a half hour flight. Fortuitously, they offered all the passengers complementary red wine, to compensate for some delays and passenger shuffling. They opened large bottles of wine, and I guess it was an open bar, because the flight attendant kept refilling my glass! It did help me relax when Eowyn kept asking me to reset her movie every five minutes. And yes, there were inseat movies on that flight. Do not underestimate the power of television for a four year old. Elias was in a movie-induced trance the whole flight. We arrived at midnight Ontario time, and while Amadeus slept the whole flight the other two had stayed awake. So no crying because they had to be woken up, which was good. And yes, I could walk off the plane :)

I'll post some photos of our travels. I promise. Really and truly.

But right now I have to go put Amadeus to sleep. Thankfully I've rented season five of Grey's Anatomy and I have a comfy rocking chair in front of the TV. No red wine though...

Oh, one last thought. If you haven't gone over to the Mothers of Change facebook page and 'liked' us yet, please do!! Please! The more fans we have the more likely we are to get corporate sponsorship, which means we'll have actual money to build a website and carry out all the activities we want to carry out! Plus, if we raise enough money I might even be able to get paid for the work I am doing. That would be a first! Anyway, head on over there.

I know you can press that 'like' button.

Labour Pain: Movement and Upright Positions

2010-07-18T22:32:00.000-07:00

Check out my newest blog post on Mothers of Change!

And remember to join us on facebook at www.facebook.com/mothersofchange

And if you really want to be supportive, donate money to help us build our website and birth survey for Canadian moms! Contact me at mothersofchange (at) gmail (dot) com for details on how to give.

Happy First Birthday Amadeus!

2010-07-14T09:01:00.000-07:00

Yesterday was Amadeus' first birthday! We had a dinner celebration for him, with my sisters, and I made a whole wheat banana cake without sugar.

He had a nice day going to the playground, having a nice long nap, and drinking lots of breastmilk!

He is walking very well, and starting to talk.

His favourite word right now is 'this'. He points his index finger and says 'sthis', sometimes pointing at specific objects. It's very cute! He also loves to say 'hi' and engage with other people.

He loves breastfeeding, kisses, and playing giggling games with Eowyn & Elias. He loves being carried around. He is not shy of new people, which I am so grateful for, and does not cry when other people look after him. He has a big smile for everyone, but of course is also still very attached to mama and dada.

His favourite toy at the playground is sticks, and he still enjoys the occasional taste of dirt and rocks. We have a lot of fun going to the school field, where he roams the wide open space, often with a stick in hand.

Right now he is very interested in the kitchen cupboards and their contents, but doesn't seem to mind too much that the doors have latches, as he entertains himself by banging the door open and closed as much as he can.

Amadeus also loves to sing, and will join in singing with music or if someone else is singing. Right now his singing is vocalizing, and it sounds very sweet.

Happy Birthday Amadeus! I'm so glad you were born!

Ultrasound

2010-07-05T14:57:00.000-07:00

Have you had an ultrasound in pregnancy? Why or why not?

Take the Mothers of Change Ultrasound Survey.

What do you know about ultrasound? Are there risks? What are the benefits?

Check out the Ultrasound Series on the Mothers of Change blog.

Wanted: Toyota Echo or Honda Civic

2010-06-27T20:21:00.000-07:00

I want to buy a 2001 or newer Echo or Civic for about $5000. It needs to have decent kilometers (around 100 000) and no accidents.

Please let me know if you have one or know of one for sale in Whitehorse. Thanks!

Karaoke

2010-06-27T09:07:00.000-07:00

I went out to karaoke last night, with a few friends. It was fun, however, it it not my primary talent. I think I know a song, until I get up to sing it, and find it's actually in a totally weird key!

However, karaoke is inspiring me to perform more of my own songs, which is what I really enjoy and feel more comfortable doing. I think it would be really cool to have some sort of band--I can play the guitar and piano, but just not at a level that really fills things out.

So, watch for me around town! I'll be looking into performance opportunities over the next little while.

Birth

2010-06-19T09:08:00.000-07:00

On Thursday morning I had the honour of supporting a mom in labour and witnessing the birth of a baby. This is the first time I have been at a birth other than the births of my own children!

I have been wanting to attend some births because I am wondering if I might be interested in doula or midwifery work, and also because I think it is useful for me to see a few births that are not my own as I begin teaching childbirth and parenting preparation courses.

I got called at 4 am by Christina, the midwife, that the woman was in labour, and luckily Eric heard the phone because I would have slept right through it!

This was a home birth after a previous cesarean section (two years ago), which had been a traumatic experience for the mom, and she hadn't seen her son for at least 12 hours after he was born. She was very determined to have a vaginal birth, and because she is from Alaska could not have a VBAC there as no one will do one, and as she researched her options became more and more convinced that a home birth was the way to go.

When I arrived Christina was already there, and the mom was sitting on a blanket on the floor. She was quite tired, as she had been in labour most of the night. She had started throwing up with her contractions at about 3 am. She didn't throw up with every contraction, but she did feel nauseous for each one, and threw up quite a bit. I wondered how I would handle the throwing up, but actually I wasn't really bothered by it. Christina offered her peppermint essential oil to smell to help with the nausea, and then when Christina was rubbing the mom's back I held the essential oil so she could smell it during a contraction. I also offered her herbal tea to drink in between contractions, as staying hydrated in labour is very important, and especially since she was throwing up.

The mom was falling asleep sitting up in between contractions, and they seemed to be not very intense, so Christina asked her if she wanted to lie down and rest. The mom lay down on her side on the blanket on the floor, with a pillow, and slept for a while. Her partner had gone into the bedroom with their two year old son, and put him to sleep, so for a while everyone was sleeping. The mom would wake up slightly for a contraction, and sometimes would sit up to throw up, but then lie back down. Christina and I sat at the table and watched the river flow outside in the morning light, whispering quietly every so often.

The dad woke up and came out as the mom was sitting up for a contraction, and he went right over to her and started whispering how well she was doing. Her contractions started to get stronger after this. Christina suggested she go outside for a walk, to help with the nausea and to get her upright and moving to help things move along. The fresh air did help with the nausea, and I could tell she was in transition when she said "I can't do this." Christina and I encouraged her and told her that she was doing very well. The son woke up during this time, so the dad went back to look after the son.

We went back inside and the mom knelt down with her arms and head resting on the birth ball. After a while she felt tired again. Christina asked her if she wanted to lie down on the bed and rest, which she did for a few contractions. She was starting to push slightly, even lying down on her side. After a while I asked her if she wanted to get up and sit on the birth ball or the birth stool, and she chose the birth stool. Her pushing became more intense as she sat on the stool, and I went behind her and massaged her back, as her back hurt and she really liked that. The dad and the son came inside. She had trouble not pushing in between contractions as the pressure became very intense when the baby's head was coming down the birth canal, and Christina talked her through breathing in deeply into her belly and letting air out slowly, and trying to only push with a contraction. She started to tense up with the pushing and say 'no, it hurts,' but Christina and I encouraged her to say 'yes, baby.' The pressure and burning sensation of the baby's head can be very intense and uncomfortable.

And then the baby was born! The mom caught the baby with Christina's help, and the baby came right up to the mom's chest. The dad and the son were both right there, and they were so happy to find out they had a little girl. She opened her eyes right away, and breathed without crying.

I felt really calm throughout the entire birth, and even when the baby was born I mostly just felt interested, not especially excited or any other strong emotion. Mostly what I felt about the birth is that it was normal. The types of noises the mom made at the different stages of labour were all very similar to what I experienced during my labours. I had wondered if it would be weird for me to support a woman in labour and to see a birth, since of course my only previous experience has been being the woman in labour! But, it was just normal. It seemed to me like, this is really just a part of life, a great part of life, a part of life that I know something about and can help out with.

The mom was very much in the 'trance' of labour, which happens as the birth hormones flood the body, and which is an excellent place for a birthing mom to be. There was no clock. There were no cervical checks. There was minimal talking. There were no interruptions by people she didn't know. She had an undisturbed birth.

I feel honoured to have been a support and a witness to the birth of her baby, and so grateful that she chose to be in an environment where she had the absolute best chance of a physiological birth, with the outcomes that she wanted--a vaginal birth and a healthy baby to hold in her arms.

Informed Choice and Talking With Your Maternity Care Provider

2010-06-19T01:13:00.000-07:00

When I was pregnant with my three children I had decisions to make about what procedures and treatments I wanted to accept or refuse. Whether it was an ultrasound screening, amniocentesis, Strep B testing, electronic fetal monitoring, a cervical check, an epidural, augmentation, or antibiotics in my newborn's eyes, I had a responsibility to become informed about the risks and benefits and to make a choice, based on the evidence and my personal circumstances, that was best for me and my baby.

Depending on who the maternity care provider is, women may find that their maternity care does not automatically include much education on the risks and benefits of different procedures and treatments in pregnancy, labour, and postpartum. Even if education is included, we may still need more information.

To read the rest of the blog post please visit the Mothers of Change blog!

You can also find Mothers of Change on facebook.

A Viral Welcome

2010-06-05T23:06:00.000-07:00

We haven't been sick since January, but of course since we've been back in Whitehorse (one week) we've all been afflicted by a stomach illness manifesting as vomit in some and diarrhea in others. And also as peeing the bed by Eowyn. Thankfully it's been fairly mild, but still...

The weather here has been sunny and (relatively) warm, for the Yukon. I've had to wear socks for the first time in 7 months, though. My feet are constantly cold. Nothing like permafrost.

I have been LOVING seeing all my friends in Whitehorse. I have been on a whirlwind of social activity, making up for all those months of isolation and static-y phone connections.

It's strange how familiar everything is, including our house. It feels in some ways like we haven't been away at all. Of course, quite a few of my friends have had babies while we've been gone, so of course that's different!

Here's to hoping our Central American sunshine-made vitamin D stores protect us from other viruses floating around, well into and beyond this next winter.

In Canada

2010-05-27T21:20:00.000-07:00

I've been back in Canada for a week, and I have to say, I'm really liking it here! The spring weather is helping, I'm sure.

We've been mostly in the lower mainland, and are now in Vernon, a city I actually quite like. We're heading up to Whitehorse on May 29, and I am really looking forward to seeing everyone there!

Even with the sunshine here in southern Canada it's still a bit cooler than we've been used to in Central America, but I'm enjoying the novelty of wearing my fleece sweater. I'm sure that will wear off come November!

The kids have been having lots of fun visiting with both sets of grandparents (my parents were in Vancouver just for the day on Friday, and Eric's parents live in Surrey).

I'm planning to get to the chiropractor right away when I get back to Whitehorse, and see if I can work out the kinks that are still bothering me in my back. An appointment with Janet Arntzen, registered massage therapist, couldn't hurt either....

Wow, we'll be home on Saturday!

Mothers of Change

2010-05-22T06:21:00.000-07:00

I am passionate about creating environments and supports for women that allow them the best chance at a physiological birth, for their health and their babies' health.

I want to see doctors and other maternity care providers informed about evidence-based practice and the importance of truly informed choice, with this knowledge translating into better practices.

We do not have enough midwives in Canada right now to meet the demand or the need, and this is unlikely to change quickly. In the meantime, most women are seeing doctors and going to hospitals for birth, and something needs to be done NOW to give women and babies the best chance at a physiological , uncomplicated birth. Just waiting for more midwives isn't good enough.

So I've decided to found a national consumer advocacy group for improving maternity care. Mothers of Change for Maternity Care is born!

I got the idea for this organization because I started thinking about going back to Dr. Ikeji to give her feedback about the birth of my first son, Elias. It's been four years and I've been active in birth advocacy but I haven't talked to her yet. So that started me thinking about how women don't provide feedback to care providers, not even me who is so passionate about it! And how scary in some ways it is for me to think about talking to her or writing her a letter. And then I thought about getting a group of women in the community together to write to her and the Yukon Medical Association about our experiences. And then I thought about expanding that idea nationally.

And I thought that if we could provide a place for women to give feedback, and where there are a lot of women doing it, that maybe more doctors would get feedback and there would be opportunity for growth and movement towards evidence-based best practices.

Please join me in advocating for better care for ourselves, our sisters, our daughters and our grand-daughters. You can become a member of Mothers of Change on facebook by finding our page and clicking 'like.' (use the facebook search and the page will come right up. When we have 25 members then we can get our own username). I've started a blog that has info about the organization, our vision and intended activities, and once I've got the funding together this website will expand into a very cool networking place for Canadian mothers that will also serve to provide feedback to maternity care providers and information to the public.

Help me birth better maternity care!

Getting Packed

2010-05-16T13:46:00.000-07:00

We leave this house tomorrow! We leave Costa Rica on Tuesday, and we leave Central America on Wednesday. We arrive in Seattle Wednesday night, and in Vancouver on Thursday.

I'm just putting clothes into our suitcase. We're almost packed! It's hard to believe this six months is nearly done.

This trip has been one of the best decisions I have made.

A long trip home, but it will be good to be back, too.

See you soon!

First Steps!

2010-05-11T11:03:00.001-07:00

Amadeus took his first steps today! Eric especially has been giving him opportunities to take that first wobbly step on his own, but always before Amadeus would drop down to the ground and crawl to Eric or me.

Today he leaned forward into that wide chasm and tottered into our arms! More like a fall than walking, but an important milestone just the same. He has reached a point psychologically where he wants to try walking.

Amadeus will be ten months old on the 13th. I love when my babies start walking. It just opens up so many more opportunities. I'm anticipating lots of great walks around our neighbourhood in Whitehorse, with Amadeus in the stroller and out of it.

He is also definitely saying words. He says 'mama' both for me and for milk, 'dada', 'hi', 'yah', and yesterday he said sister, which sounded something like 'sdi sdi'.

He waves hi and bye, and sometimes signs for milk. He raises his arms for 'up', and sometimes blows horse lips if he has to go pee.

I love the newborn stage, and I love the baby stage, and I love that he is moving into toddlerhood.

Oh, And Of Course...

2010-05-09T11:38:00.000-07:00

Happy Mothers' Day! We are all here because someone gave birth to us, and that is truly a gift. Truly. No matter how great or how awful our mothers have been in raising us, the fact is that each of them allowed their lives to be altered for at least nine months so they could carry us and birth us into this world, allowed their bodies to be forever changed by our presence, and allowed their status to change from a woman who has not birthed to a woman who has. We would not be here today without them, and each mother has sacrificed something to bring a child into the world.

I honour my mom, for her gift of life to me, that she chose to give me that gift, even though her circumstances were unfavourable. Her heart was ready to receive me, and while I am not a perfect mother and neither is she, she has loved me unconditionally and irrevocably and that is another great gift that carries me through this life she gave me.

Thank you, Mom. I love you.

Evangelicalism and Thrill Seeking (with a bonus feature of added ranting against certain kinds of Christianity that I know all too well)

2010-05-09T08:30:00.001-07:00

My friend Tamie has been writing about evangelicalism lately, which has spurred some of my thoughts. Usually when we think evangelical we think Christian, but it's possible to be evangelical about a lot of things. Like not shopping at Walmart. Or eating organic food. Or homebirth. Basically, evangelicalism is about preaching the good news of whatever we think is of paramount importance and will better the lives of other people, in an attempt to convince them into our way of thinking. I have turned away from Christian evangelicalism as I have gotten older, but continue to proselytize about other issues I find important, like midwifery and homebirth. So the question is:

Is there anything inherently wrong with evangelicalism?

I was raised in an incredibly evangelical conservative Christian church, The Salvation Army. At a young age I was encouraged to promote Christianity to strangers and acquaintances alike, through handing out tracts in the park (I'm not kidding), singing at public park meetings (I sang my first solo at age 6), witnessing to people at school, and generally engaging in behaviours that make your heart race and leave you wide open to bullying as a result.

But here's the thing. I ENJOYED it. I loved the thrill of walking up to someone I didn't know, the boldness of it, the nervous energy and the feeling of power as I conquered my fear, time and again, facing down social expectations and societal norms and discovering my confidence. There were a lot of other kids who didn't take to evangelizing the way I did, who didn't seem to experience the same rush, who were shy, or uncertain. I found the same rush when I welcomed new people at church. It's a socially dangerous thing to step out into the open and greet someone who you don't know, take the first step and welcome someone into your midst. Perhaps it's the fear of rejection that holds most people back, but I saw that fear and I embraced it.

And I have realized that while I don't enjoy physical thrill seeking activities like rock climbing, or downhill skiing, or parachuting, I totally, totally love social thrill seeking. And I get so bored when I don't have an opportunity to engage in social thrill seeking. Evangelicalism, on any topic, is one way to do it. There are other ways too, of course, some of them more socially acceptable (like performing live music) and some of them less (like a swinging lifestyle). Between my nature and my nurture, I don't know if I can escape from evangelicalism. Which brings us back to the question: is there anything inherently wrong with evangelicalism? Since I graduated from (Christian) university, I have certainly believed there is.

But in light of seeing evangelicalism as a way of approaching any topic, not just Christianity, now I'm reconsidering. And here's what I think. There is nothing wrong with being passionate about your beliefs and wanting the best for everyone else. The problems in Christianity come when evangelism becomes a covert operation for marketing and manipulation. Where the Truth becomes so important that you are willing to bend the truth to get people to believe it. For instance, the free gift. I hate the free gift. I don't know how many of you speak Christianese, but if you do, you know what I am talking about. For those who don't, it goes like this. God has a free gift of salvation, and all you have to do is believe in Jesus, admit you're a sinner, and ask God to forgive you and you will get the completely free gift of eternal life. This concept is even more interesting in the age of the internet, when a lot of things really do seem free. If you ignore all the advertising that pays for everything. But, the point is, it's not a free gift. At first, it seems like a free gift. But if it's free, why are there conditions on it? First you have to believe, admit you're a sinner, and ask for forgiveness. Then you later find out that you actually have to submit your will to God. And do good deeds (which will not save you, by the way, only believing can do that, but by doing bad deeds....well, there's a lot open to interpretation on that subject). I'm not saying any of this is wrong. Just that it's not free. Christian theology is clear that God does expect something of us in return for eternal life, which means there is an exchange, which means it's not free. Maybe we don't have to earn it through good deeds to start with (which may be what a lot of people mean when they say 'free'), but Jesus really didn't go around giving out grace and telling people they could keep on living the way they were living (such as the woman caught in adultery. Jesus prevented the men from throwing stones at her, and then told her to go change her life). Clearly, there are expectations.

My other super hate thing about Christianity is when Christians try to advertise how much better your life will be after you become a Christian. This is total marketing and manipulation. But it makes sense, right? Why would you want to become a Christian if your life was going to stay the same or even get worse? Which is what happens to a lot of people, by the way, in terms of their circumstances. Just think about people in other countries who become Christians and get thrown in jail. Definitely worse. Or about people (like myself when I was in public school) who are bullied because of it (well, because of that and my truly amazing social acuity, which on closer thought may go hand in hand with my propensity towards evangelicalism).

Real Christianity (as opposed to marketing and manipulation Christianity) does have a clever way through this, which is to consider persecution joy as it means you are on the right track. All evangelicals, whatever their topic, can actually take a lesson from this, which is, if you are pissing people off you must be pressing some pretty big buttons, which in turn means you must be doing something right. Walmart wants to sue you because you pulled the whistle on their child labour factories? Awesome. I am not totally sure I buy into this theory, as it may be more effective in some cases to engage and dialogue with your 'enemy', but it's something to think about.

Some evangelical Christians might try to insist that what they mean by your life being better is that you will have more peace, more joy, and you will know you are loved by God. Also that you will be spiritually satisfied (woman at the well, anyone?) and thirst no more. Bullshit. And I don't say that lightly, as I don't usually use profanity on this blog. The most Christiany Christians, like Thomas Merton, who was a 2oth Century monk (okay, I know that's not evangelical, but whatever), are wracked with questions, with doubts, with uncertainties, with sadness, with pain, with grief, with longing, and with a deep, deep sense of dissatisfaction (at least, this is what I get from what I know of him). There may be peace, and joy, and love, and satisfaction in there too, but it's not like it's there all the time. And this has certainly been my experience, as someone who used to be a very passionate evangelical Christian and is now somewhere in between everything. And anyone who tells you their life is a garden of sunshine full of roses without thorns now that they've become a Christian, or been a Christian for x years, is lying. There are Christian songs that proclaim this very thing, and when I'm in a church with people singing those songs I have an urge to throw the book at the pastor, or in absence of a book (if the church uses overheads) to raise my fist and angrily protest as I storm out of the room.

So here's what it boils down to. Authenticity, first and foremost. Be sure that the information and evidence you are using is authentic. If you're using your own life, be authentic.

Not authentic: Not shopping at Walmart is the best thing I've ever done! I'm so much happier! I can find everything I need at local stores at great prices that are fair trade! (What a liar!)

Authentic: Not shopping at Walmart isn't easy sometimes. I do it because many Walmart associated factories engage in practices that are similar to slave labour, or they have very unfair practices for their employees, and I don't want to support that. Sometimes I can't find what I need at other stores, or it's really expensive. Sometimes I want to shop at Walmart for my own convenience and my own budget, even though I know it's supporting practices that hurt other people.

Second, don't tell people in a personal setting (like a one on one conversation) what they should or should not do, and don't pass judgement on their current way of life or choices (I'm getting a lot of concepts here from the blog post The 'S' Word on Unnecessarean). I'm thinking especially of midwifery and birth choices here, but I think it's applicable to all evangelicalism. I think it's fine to be passionate about something, and to present the evidence and information with 'should' attached in a context like an article, or a blog, or a public presentation. And it's okay to make recommendations for the system as a whole (like every woman should have the choice of a midwife, or maternity care providers should not use continuous electronic fetal monitoring, or women should be encouraged and supported in natural pain management techniques). But when it comes to talking to individuals, people should be given information and even accounts of personal experiences to support your position, but they should never be told what they should do. (Do you like my use of the word should in that sentence? How's that for not telling you what you should do! Ha ha). People will always make their own choices, no matter what you say. And, as The 'S' Word points out, if they decide to do what you say and something bad happens, they may blame you for it. And if something good happens then they may not be able to take responsibility for their good decision. And if they decide not to do what you say and something bad happens then they may avoid you. And if something good happens then they may never be interested to hear your ideas again. And you don't have to use the word 'should' to let someone know that you are passing judgement or telling them what to do. Attitudes come across pretty clearly.

Judgemental and 'should'-y: I don't know why anyone would ever want to give birth in the hospital, there is just so much higher risk of interventions and complications. You should give birth at home, with a midwife, you'll have a much better experience and it's safer too.

Sharing while respecting the other person's choices: I've given birth in the hospital and at home, and I won't give birth at the hospital again if I can help it. My experience at home was so much more private, peaceful, and about my choices, not about what my doctor thought was best for me. A study came out in 2009 that looked at births for low risk women at home with a midwife, in the hospital with a midwife, and in the hospital with a doctor, and found that homebirths had the lowest rates of interventions and the same rates of negative outcomes (like death) for moms and babies, and perhaps even slightly better outcomes in some cases. Women who give birth with a midwife report higher satisfaction rates about their maternity care than women who give birth with a doctor. Every woman decides where she feels safest and most comfortable giving birth, though, based on her circumstances and her beliefs.

I've been thinking about 'should' a lot as I begin to prepare curriculum for the Childbirth & Parenting Preparation Course. I want to make recommendations, but I have to be careful not to impose myself on people. I have to recognize that my job is to provide evidence-based information, with a place for sharing personal experiences and opinions as long as it's clear that it's my opinion, and to respect each woman's right to make her own choices within her own context and set of circumstances. It's tricky though, because I often felt like the books I read when I was pregnant with Elias were wishy-washy in this informed choice kind of way. Like, here's all the risks of an epidural (and there are many) but each person has to decide what pain management techniques are right for them. Which is true. It's true. But...what helps us to decide what's right for us? Attitudes from books, caregivers, friends of acceptance of drugs can shape us to be more accepting of drugs, even if all the evidence clearly points away from drugs as beneficial overall in labour, birth, and postpartum. The whole 'should' thing gets pretty complicated, and I'm still working it out.

Back to evangelicalism. The last thing is to be open minded enough to be able to engage and dialogue in a constructive way with people who have different ideas than your own. Who knows, maybe even learn from them? This is much easier when they are also willing to engage and dialogue with you in a constructive way. Tamie posted about the idea of a Sacred Circle (and yes, Tamie does post about very cool things, and Tamie is undeniably a very cool person, in the best sense of the word cool):

Parker Palmer...has created this concept called something like a Sacred Circle or something. How it works is that a group of people (between 8 and 20) gather together--presumably in a circle!--and there is a moderator. They come together to talk about one particular issue, usually a volatile issue, like abortion or education or healthcare. But the rules are that none of them is allowed to state where he or she stands on the subject. They are only allowed to tell about the experiences in their lives that led them to the beliefs that they hold. So like, if the topic were abortion, perhaps someone would tell about a friend they knew who'd had an abortion; another person might tell about how they were almost aborted but were saved at the last moment. On the subject of healthcare, people might tell stories about being denied care, or about having a hard time making ends meet, or about having had cancer. Next, what would happen is that people would share their hopes and fears about the future. In these circles, people are allowed to ask each other questions, but they have to be honest questions (ie. questions that you have no agenda in asking).

Which I think is so cool, and so necessary for us evangelicals, whatever our particular horse we're flogging. Can you imagine what it would be like to sit some obstetricians, homebirth midwives, medwives, perinatal nurses, family physicians, women who have experienced homebirth vaginal delivery, and women who have experienced cesarean section in a room together and do this? Powerful. I'm going to work on that. That should meet some of my social thrill seeking needs, for sure.

Evangelical. Evangelicalism. Are these categorically dirty words? Maybe not. For those of us with this bent, it sure is fun. It's like this mini-high, passionately sharing about what you believe. But sharing the good news needs to be done carefully, so that people are not manipulated or misled or coerced into a decision. And we need to continually keep an open mind and be willing to learn.

There's definitely a place for my evangelical bent. Activism and advocacy don't get done without passion and conviction. I want to make the maternity care system better for women. I want women to have the best environments and supports so they have the best chance at physiological birth. I want to educate women, health professionals, and the public in general about physiological birth and evidence-based maternity care. I want to empower women to make choices that give them the best chance of an optimal birth. I love doing this work. I am made to do this work. And I want to do this work with the utmost integrity, learning from and not repeating the mistakes of evangelical Christianity. Can I get an amen?

I Am Looking Forward To...

2010-05-09T07:34:00.001-07:00

When we get back to Whitehorse, I am so looking forward to:

my VAN!!!!!!
carseats!
exponentially reduced number of bugs in the house, including not finding brown flying cockroach things on my pillow
flat neighbourhood where I can easily go for walks
FRIENDS!!!!!
STROLLER!!!! There's a lot to be said for babywearing, especially when the baby is little, but at nine months and a whole lot of pounds, Amadeus is just HEAVY.
public library
everything in English
butter I am used to
honey I am used to
nut and seed butters
whipping cream (I haven't had whipping cream since we've been in Central America)
my blender
my breadmaker
playgrounds for the kids
FRIENDS!!!!
massage therapist I trust and can communicate with
chiropractor I trust and can communicate with
more accessible everything, with a vehicle
clear phone line that works all the time
my VAN (did I say that already?)

Things I Will Miss

juicy, ripe mangos
cheap, cheap bananas
perfect, ripe avocados
the opportunity to practice Spanish every time I go out
the incredible weather
the layout of this house and yard (perfect for the kids for playing outside)
affordable help (we are trying to get someone to live with us in Whitehorse in exchange for helping us with housework and the kids. If you know a young woman who is interested, please contact me. Someone who is doing Early Childhood Education at the college would be perfect).

Things I Will Not Like About Being Home

The layout of our house (no door to the backyard, small landing at entrance, stairs, not open concept)
our dirt yard
hordes of mosquitoes and black flies making the outdoors unpleasant for sitting around
winter (eventually)
more expensive restaurants (but with better cooking, generally, so I guess it's a trade off)
lack of local, cheap produce

I know there is such a thing as reverse culture shock, which if it follows the same timeline as culture shock will put me at the 'I hate this place' phase right as winter is settling in. Should be interesting!

Zoo Ave

2010-05-08T07:17:00.000-07:00

That's pronounced "ah-vay" and I think refers to birds. Despite the torturous bus journey of intensely windy roads that had Elias crying, me close to crying, and all of us with plastic bags at the ready just in case, we really had fun once we were there. Thankfully no one actually threw up on the bus, and we made it back home with less difficulty. I am so looking forward to having a car again!

Macaws

Tortoises

Caiman

Crocodile

There is a monkey in this picture (and I'm not talking about the one wearing a shirt and pants!)

Iguana running free

Lemur--and doesn't Eowyn have kind of the same expression?

Mountain Lion (we have these in Canada--also known as cougars)

Toucan

Peacock (he was quite aggressive, and had obviously been fed)

Man With A Gun

2010-04-30T15:43:00.000-07:00

We came back from the beach yesterday, and on the bus from Jaco to San Jose a man who had been on the bus with us the whole way mugged our driver at gunpoint near San Jose and took the other bus driver off the bus with him. I had no clue what was going on, as I could only see the driver’s head in the rearview mirror from where I was sitting and not the space around the driver.

I was sitting with Amadeus and Eowyn and Eric was sitting in the seat in front of us with Elias. He suddenly turned to me and said, “There’s a man with a gun. Put the kids on the floor.” I couldn’t process what he had said. Was there a man with a gun outside? I looked out the window. And what did he mean by ‘put the kids on the floor?’ Did he mean they should lie down on the floor? Should I just put them on the floor standing? I asked Eric what he meant. He repeated himself, and finally just said, “You don’t need to understand. Just put them on the floor.” So I did. I put them both on the floor so they were standing and my arms were around them. I was so confused. I really had no idea what was going on.

The bus was stopped for a few minutes, and then it started moving again. I didn’t feel scared, but I was thinking about what to do. It seemed to me the best plan would be to get as far away from the gun as possible, so trying to exit through the back doors seemed like a logical solution. I said this to Eric, but he objected because he thought that would attract attention to us and we might get shot. I could see in the rearview mirror that the driver was now on a cell phone. I thought he probably wouldn’t be on the phone if the man with the gun was still there. I asked the guys sitting in seats across from me if they could see if the man with the gun was still there. They said they couldn’t see. There was a woman a few seats up who seemed to be discussing the situation, so I asked her if the man with the gun was still there. She said he wasn’t. I’m assuming he got off and then we started moving.

The woman had introduced herself earlier as being from Ontario, and she had seen what had happened. The man with the gun had sat next her while she was waiting for the bus in Jaco, so she recognized him. She had seen him point the gun at the driver while he was getting off the bus. Most of us had paid for our tickets in advance at the ticket booth, so the driver couldn’t have had much money on him. She said that the man with the gun took the other driver off the bus with him. I have no idea why or what happened to the other driver. She had been worried about her kids, who looked in the 7-9 year old range, who had been sitting in seats across and up the aisle from her. They would have been easy to snatch.

It’s really the best situation that could have happened for a man having a gun on the bus. He never threatened any of us or wanted anything from us. He just dealt with the drivers. I was surprised that he didn’t try to take our stuff or our money, but if he just wanted some quick cash and to get away as fast as possible, the driver makes the most sense.

Apparently this is not totally uncommon here. I know this was the reality before, but I feel less safe now. I don’t think anything like this would happen in Canada, and if it did it would be very rare. I lived in eastside Vancouver and rode the bus, and I never heard of or was concerned about muggings at gunpoint. The worst I ever saw was a smelly man in Surrey accosting the bus driver verbally.

I tend to be calm in a crisis, and usually collected. The man with the gun was just so totally outside of anything I was prepared for that in this case I was calm and confused. I am not someone who follows directions easily without knowing why, and since I had trouble processing what was going on, and I couldn’t see for myself directly and only had Eric telling me, I found it difficult to immediately do what he said. My instinct is also not to just sit and do nothing, and I feel angry and don’t want to let people get away with things. These things made me a liability in this situation, and I’m just glad that my mistakes didn’t negatively impact any of us. I feel that I’m more prepared now if this were to happen again, and I have a plan in place for what to do. The most important thing is to keep the kids safe, to give the person whatever they want in terms of our stuff without resistance, and if the person tries to take the kids to hold on to them and if necessary fight.

We had a further series of unfortunate, but thankfully less serious, events. Elias fell off a bench at the bus station in Grecia, covering the side of his pants and his arm in black bus station slime. When we got home after dark we discovered the brown flying cockroaches seemed to have made some advances into our territory while we were away. Our bathroom sink was leaking and the toilet plugged up, and we discovered today that it is spewing filthy water out of leak by a screw (thankfully the repair guy could come right away). The fuse box had two switches blown. We discovered that our internet antennae had been hit by lightning and it had fried the internet receiver. Hit by lightning. I mean really? I went to bed at 9:30.

I Never Thought I Would Be Saying This...

2010-04-27T08:48:00.000-07:00

When we left for Central America I had a lot of ideas of the things I might learn, about people who live joyfully in poverty, or about how Latin American culture works, or about sustainable living, or how to live a more laid back lifestyle. I'm not sure how much I've learned about any of these things; that might become more clear to me once I'm back in Canada.

The thing I've gained, which comes as an absolute shock to me, is an appreciation for Canadian culture, the very thing I was so anxious to get away from. Our consumeristic, materialistic, individualistic, independent, feminist (more or less), imaginative, prepare for winter, live through the winter, rejoice at the end of winter, and savour every last moment of summer culture.

There's a lot of hype about how Latin American culture is much more community and family centered. I had an idea that this would be something cool to be a part of. Maybe I'm jaded, but it seems to me that people are reliant on each other because they have to be, because they're so poor. And this might seem like an upside of poverty, but in actual fact it's just a breeding ground for dysfunction. Practically everyone has an alcoholic in the family, and many, many women are married to abusive alcoholics. So the family that is their community is full of dysfunction, and they have extremely limited options to escape, due to poverty mostly, but also just because of the way things work. And I don't think this is a good thing. My impression is that because of the way things work in families and community, there is a lot more dysfunction in general, and a lot less attempt to improve.

As far as consumerism and materialism, there's just as much of it here. Only most people are too poor to buy the things they want. And the concept of environmentalism hasn't really caught on.

I LOVE being able to buy environmentally friendly products in Canada. I cannot find scent free, dye free, phosphate free laundry detergent here. I LOVE being able to buy organic, fairly made anything, for a price. It can be challenging to track down organic, fairly made clothes in Canada, but it's nearly impossible here.

I can buy more stuff here because it's cheaper, but it's cheaper because it's crap. And I don't want more stuff. I want the right thing at the right time, that's made right and works right and lasts for the right amount of time.

I know that on the timeline of culture shock I am right on target for the six months 'my culture is way better!' attitude. But I don't think that invalidates any of my observations. I've talked to a few other people who notice the same things.

People often touch the kids' hair as we are walking by, and sometimes people grab their faces, people who are complete strangers. A few days ago in the grocery store three women started exclaiming over Eowyn and touching her hair. She said, 'no!' quite loudly, twice, which they ignored and tried to touch her again. So I said, 'no toca (don't touch) quite firmly. The woman gave me an incredulous look, and said, 'no?' Then she started saying, 'Esta muneca (she's a doll)' so I said even more firmly, "Ella no esta una muneca (pronounced moon-yeh-ka). I'm getting tired of the manhandling that goes on with my children, and even more tired of how this culture trains girls to be passive and basically to allow people to touch them indiscriminately. Calling girls 'dolls' is also so not cool. People often think Eowyn is a boy because she is so active and expressive. While not all is perfect in Canada with the way girls are culturally expected to behave, we are much more feminist in many ways than here. It's one of the things that is seriously making me think that I would not want to live here longer term. I just don't want my kids, both Eowyn and the boys, trained by their peers and other adults to behave in certain ways that I don't agree with.

I think a lot of people here don't really see children as people. Child abuse is much more common, and in Nicaragua at least much more culturally acceptable. Sexual abuse is also pervasive. If at least one in three women in Canada has been sexually abused, there is probably more of a problem here. Children overall seem to be much more passive and lacking in imagination for play. Television is pervasive in Central America while good quality books are not.

People in general here seem to be lacking in creative solutions; it seems to me that in Canada there is a much higher value on creativity and imagination. Obviously there are artists here, but I’m talking about creativity for everyday problems, the imagination to envision something different and work towards it. Not everyone in Canada can do this either, but it seems to me there is at least a value set on it.

And I am beginning to really appreciate how winter shapes a culture. I think it would be easy to take the eternal summer here for granted and not really appreciate the beauty of nature when you are surrounded with it day in and day out, all year. There is something to be said for eagerly awaiting the arrival of spring, rejoicing in the first buds and blooms, and knowing that you only have a limited time to enjoy it. I still don’t really like winter, but even though we have a lot of barriers between us and the weather, such as central heating and insulated houses and cars and warm clothing, there is still something about having to endure winter and learn to work with it that shapes us in a certain way that I can’t really define.

We have three more weeks until we return to Canada. I’m really looking forward to getting back to driving a car and strapping the kids down in carseats, talking to everyone in my own language, buying all the food I know and love, and knowing exactly how things work. All the time. Yay Canada!

On Vacation

2010-04-27T08:42:00.000-07:00

We are on vacation from our vacation, in our home away from home away from home here at Jaco Beach. Tommy G's is a fantastic place to stay, and we were here before so we knew it would be great! The pool is great again, and I like being able to walk to things instead of being isolated up on a hill. It's very comfortable and homey feeling, and Barbara, the owner, is really nice and likes our kids. We had actually made a reservation for last week, but then with my back being injured had to cancel. She was so sweet--she sent me an e-card!

The bus ride here was a little hard on my back with all the sitting, but I'm not doing too badly.

The things I like about Jaco:
Tommy G's, with the pool & kitchenette
The artisan bakery owned and operated by a French and Argentinian couple
The 1 liter smoothies
The Taco Bar restaurant (all you can eat salad bar included with meal)
The Soda with $4 huge lunch meals, good food

Farewell to Tim

2010-04-22T15:55:00.000-07:00

I just found out today that someone I was in most of my classes with since grade 6, and who also went to the same university (TWU) with me, died in a mountain biking accident in June 2008. I found out because one of my facebook friends has a link to a memorial group page on facebook for him. Tim Luck was in all the same honours classes as me in high school, and he and his friend were always competing with me and my friend for who could get the best grades. I remember he'd always ask us what we got on our tests and assignments.

It's kind of shocking. That's two people now who I was in school with who are no longer alive. That I know of. And even though they haven't been a part of my life for years, I still find it strange to think that they're not alive here on this earth anymore.

For some reason I was thinking about Tim the other day, before I even knew about his death, and what I was thinking was how he supported me during a social studies mock parliament when I thought he was on the opposing side. It was during an abortion debate, and his party was supposed to be pro-choice and mine was pro-life. But after I gave a speech, he stood up and gave a speech that supported what I had said. And I never forgot that. The issue itself doesn't matter as much to me anymore, but the fact that he went against what he was supposed to in his group, probably because he had similar beliefs to my group, meant a lot to me. I felt supported, whatever his intentions.

I remember being really surprised when he was at Trinity, as he hadn't seemed affiliated with church or Christianity in high school. He told me that his cousin had witnessed to him and that he was a Christian now. We didn't spend much time together, but I saw him here and there, and for a while my roommate was good friends with his roommate. I was still recovering from being not popular in high school, so I felt somewhat uncomfortable around him, but I remember that he was pleasant to me.

I never saw him again after university, and there's a good chance I would never have seen him again even if he was still alive. But it's just really weird knowing that I can't run into him one day. I feel a sadness about that.

Dr. Ikeji, if you're out there you should read this

2010-04-18T10:05:00.000-07:00

Yet again, best intentions do not equal best practice. Directed pushing and semi-sitting? I don't think so. Too bad the doctor who was providing care for me during Elias' birth didn't know about this little tidbit of information. Could have saved me from being totally exhausted, getting augmented, doing labour gymnastics, birthing in an unfavourable position, and finally, sustaining a third degree tear in my perineum after I had asked her as the head was crowning, "How does my perineum look?" and she said, "Fine." One big push on her instructions, and not so fine.

This is an excerpt from the midwifery blog Birth Sense

What are the advantages of spontaneous pushing, rather than directed pushing? Although many providers firmly believe that the “take a deep breath, hold it, and push as hard as you can to the count of ten” style of pushing is essential to a shorter second stage of labor, research does not support this belief.(4) On the contrary, women who are not coached regarding how and when to push will spontaneously begin to bear down with short pushes, exhaling as they push, rather than holding the breath. As the baby’s head moves down, women’s pushing efforts often become stronger and more prolonged, but typically will include several short pushes per contraction rather than three long pushes. Finally, as the head begins to crown, most women feel the “ring of fire”, the burning sensation in the perineum, and instinctively hold back. This instinctive reaction has the benefit of allowing the skin of the perineum to stretch slowly, avoiding tears. Modern obstetrics coaches women at this point to do exactly the opposite of what their instincts tell them: “push through the pain!” “get mad at the pain and push it out!” “take a deep breath and push as hard as you can!” These instructions cause more rapid delivery of the baby’s head, increasing the risk of lacerations.

Rather than checking a woman’s cervix and telling her she can or can’t push yet, I prefer to simply offer support and encourage the laboring woman to follow her body’s cues. The old belief that allowing the woman to push before she’s fully dilated will cause swelling of the cervix is out of date. When a woman says she has the urge to push, I tell her to go ahead and push if she feels like it. I’ve noticed that when the cervix is not ready for pushing, the woman will not consistently push with the contractions, or will hold back because it is more painful. However, when the cervix is ready for pushing, even if it is not fully dilated, the woman will push spontaneously with her contractions, and will usually report that pushing is a relief. This method is so easy to use, and doesn’t require a woman with a strong urge to push to pant and blow for a long period of time before she is allowed to follow her natural intincts. Following this method, I’ve never had a problem with cervical swelling.

Some providers pride themselves on “allowing” the laboring woman to push while in a semi-sitting position. While this position does utilize gravity, there are still disadvantages. One study showed that, compared to women who were in a kneeling or hands-and-knees position during labor, women who were sitting experienced increased pain, feelings of exposure, and vulnerability.(3)

Back Pain

2010-04-15T18:32:00.000-07:00

I started having back pain about a week ago. It went away for a few days, and came back with a vengeance. It's the kind of pain where I can't stand up straight. I guess my muscles seize or something. The irony is, I probably triggered it by doing yoga. I was just doing gentle stretches, but who knows what happened. I guess after not stretching for so long, things were just extra sensitive to change.

I was making dinner tonight and Eric came into the kitchen and said, "That S curve in your back--are you standing like that on purpose?" I wasn't. I tried to stand up straight, and Eric looked at my back, and one hip is about an inch higher than the other. This has happened to me a few times before, and basically I have to just take it easy and not try to do too much. I've gone to the chiropractor for it before, and it's hard to tell if it made a difference in the length of the recovery. I'm trying to lift the baby as little as possible, and lie down when I can, as standing and sitting aggravate the pain and the problem. But it's also important that I do a bit of movement, to help things to loosen. I took a hot shower tonight and drank a little gin on the rocks to help everything relax.

Amadeus is nine months, and I remember that when Elias was nine months the exact same thing happened. Maybe they just get too heavy for me to carry.

First, Do Not Intervene

2010-04-14T20:59:00.000-07:00

I would call this the first principle of the midwifery model of care. Many midwives understand what this means. Some don't. Some midwives lean more towards a medical model of care. And some midwives think they understand what it means not to interfere but could improve their level of non-interference. The following article "Interventions" by midwife Gloria Lemay was published in Midwifery Today (22 September 2002).

~~~~~

"The first intervention in natural childbirth is the one that a healthy woman does herself when she walks out the front door of her own home in labor."

Michael Rosenthal, OB/GYN

This quote is an attention grabber and one that should set us all to thinking. We know about the "cascade of interventions" that sends most North American births down a tunnel of medical mishaps strip membranes, Pitocin gel induction, continuous fetal heart monitoring, pain medications, distress in the infant, cesarean, post-surgical infection, breastfeeding problems, postpartum depression, etc., etc., etc. Iatrogenic meddlesomeness at its most blatant is easy to spot and condemn. We like to shake our heads, point our fingers and tut-tut-tut about this type of intervention.

But what of the interventions that we don't see, the ones we are guilty of ourselves? The Oxford dictionary defines intervene: "to interfere, modify course or result of events." Something that seems as small as turning on a light could be classified as "an intervention." Is it an intervention to wear perfume to a birth? To monitor the heartbeat of the baby every half-hour? To leave a clock within the mother's view? To watch the mother? To speak to the mother? To ask her to take a walk outside? To tell her husband to get in the water tub with her? Do midwives take any time at all to ask themselves these questions?

What would "the course of events" be like if we weren't there? How could we possibly know? Recently I came into possession of an amazing video. This video is the raw home movie footage of the births that are shown in the unassisted birth film A Clear Road to Birth. There is no attendant present at the births. The families have, for the most part, just put the video camera on a tripod and let it run. The result is an amazing view into a place that I have never been privileged to enter--a birth that follows the natural course of events. I found it difficult to watch because it is so very intimate, and I wasn't sure that they'd want me to ogle their beautiful, private family moments. It is a sacred film. I came away from it with questions about how my presence at a birth affects the behavior of all the participants. The women on this film are not asking, "How much longer will it be?" They are not saying, "I can't do it anymore." There is no illusion or possibility of some other woman "saving" them. They are going to do it themselves, and they seem to have an inner core of resolve about it. Their husbands and children mostly seem "surprised" that the baby is really there. This is unlike births where there is an "expert" present, and the waiting and watching seem to go on forever.

This film of unattended births leads me to question, "What about women who have unassisted prenatal care?" We are told that prenatal care is essential. We believe it is a cornerstone of good maternal/natal health. But is this true? Are there interventions that take place in childbirth classes that are subtle and affect the course of events? If we think of the spoken word as "an intervention," we must wonder if we are causing changes in the course of the birth long before the membranes release. I cringe at some of the "meddlesome midwifery messages" that women are given at prenatal checkups. Messages can be imparted both verbally and nonverbally. I remember when I took prenatal classes 25 years ago, the nurse managed to impart the message that she didn't approve of breastfeeding with just the look on her face when she said, "How many of you are planning to breastfeed?" Her attitude changed the course of events for a lot of the women in that class. It was absolutely an intervention.

I have learned a lot about how to question my own interference in birth from listening to Michel Odent. His message is repeated over and over: "The most important thing is do not disturb the birthing mother." What does a nice midwife do that would disturb? Several years ago, I went to a birth as assistant to the midwife. I was assigned to take a video of the birth and so I familiarized myself with the family's camera and began to do a little filming of the mother while she was in the water tub. I was getting some nice footage when, all of a sudden, the room went completely black, and I couldn't get an image in the camera. I looked up to see what had happened: the brother-in-law of the birthing mother had turned out the lights. I went over and turned them back on so I could get on with filming and, presently, the man came back and turned them out again! I was very annoyed and, in that moment, I realized that he was right! He was more in tune with what his sister-in-law needed than I was. Birth seems to flow best for human beings in the same conditions as most other mammals. Darkness, familiar smells, privacy and quiet are the main ingredients for a smooth birth. Who in North America can give these simple things to a birthing mother? Are we willing to trade monitoring and charting for births that truly flow along smoothly? Are we willing to sit, out of view of the woman, completely still while she focuses inward and makes her own journey to meeting her child? Can we forgo the acknowledgement and appreciation for all we "do" and be deeply satisfied with "being" unobtrusive?

... I believe that the "3 Ps" of obstetrics should be "patience, patience, patience" and not "passage, passenger and powers." I am fond of the Buddhist words from The Tao of Leadership:

Being a Midwife

Remember that you are facilitating another person's process. It is not your process. Do not intrude. Do not control. Do not force your own needs and insights into the foreground. If you do not trust a person's process, that person will not trust you. Imagine that you are a midwife; you are assisting at someone else's birth. Do good without show or fuss. Facilitate what is happening rather than what you think ought to be happening. If you must take the lead, lead so that the mother is helped, yet still free and in charge. When the baby is born, the mother will rightly say: "We did it ourselves!"
--The Tao of Leadership by John Heider

Take A Survey, You Could Win a $10 Gift Certificate to Due North

2010-04-14T06:37:00.000-07:00

I'm thinking of offering a Childbirth and Parenting Preparation course in Whitehorse this fall. I need to collect information on whether anyone would be interested in attending! If you are pregnant and live in Whitehorse, please take a moment to fill out this short survey. I am offering a random draw prize of a $10 gift certificate to Due North Maternity & Baby.

Glory Be, Vitamin D

2010-04-11T11:26:00.000-07:00

The sun shines every day here. Not only that, it's warm enough that we can go outside and expose most of the skin on our bodies.

Sickness, be gone. Mental health, be restored.

Glory be.

Day Three, Eight AM, And All Is Well

2010-04-09T07:08:00.000-07:00

I don't want to jinx it by saying it, but things are going pretty well here with just me, the two younger kids, and the helper. I've had more help than I anticipated, which makes things a lot less stressful. Estefany was here yesterday from 7 am to 2:30 pm, and then Andrea came from 6 pm to 7 pm. When Andrea left both kids were asleep!

Estafany came this morning at 7:30 am. Amadeus was up last night from 2:30 am to 4:30 am, the crazy baby. He peed a bunch of times, and his diaper was pretty stinky which was not fun for me sleeping in the same bed with him, so I changed him. BIG MISTAKE! The diaper change precipitated the two hour wake-a-thon. He crawled, he babbled, he sang, he cried. Amazingly, Eowyn slept through the entire thing. Finally I was starting to get frustrated, and I got up with him, changed his diaper again, and took him to the other room to rock him. Then he started yelling crying, which is super loud. I guess the rocking chair just didn't cut it for him in his overtired state. I was worried Eowyn would wake up and the cry was just super irritating to me, in my overtired state. I had to take a break, so I laid him down on his little quilt mat on the floor and left the room for a few minutes. It's truly amazing how a few minutes in a different room can make a world of difference to my ability to cope. And I'm becoming better at taking these mini-breaks so that I don't get frustrated to the point of doing things in a way that I don't want to do them, with anger, coldness, roughness and so on. He cried on the mat, but actually started to calm down and fall asleep after about a minute. I gave myself a few minutes and then went back in, picked him up, and just stood up and rocked him in my arms. He fell asleep pretty fast, and slept until 6:30 am.

Now I get to go have a nap with him, because Estefany is here to look after Eowyn. The foreknowledge that this would happen today also helped me to be less frustrated last night. I should mention, Eowyn has been putting herself down for a morning nap in her bed when I put Amadeus down for a nap in the other room. It's so cute! It means she skips her afternoon nap, but then she goes to bed at 6:30 pm, so it's not bad at all. And she's been sleeping until 6:30 am, so I think maybe this schedule works better for her.

Time to go for a nap, baby is having a meltdown!

Las Muchachas y El Bebe, version 3.0

2010-04-07T06:39:00.000-07:00

Eric and Elias are headed for the beach today, Manuel Antonio to be exact, to find us a nice place to stay as a family and good places to eat. This is part of my birthday present to Eric. So, it's just me, Eowyn, Amadeus, and our new helper, who is due to arrive this morning at eight o'clock. I've been up since six thirty.

The first time Eric and Elias went on a trip I had two helpers; Heilym full time living with us, and Juana during the day. The second time Eric and Elias went on a trip I had just Heilym, living with me. This third time I have a helper who is available from early in the morning until mid afternoon, as she goes to school in the evening. She just started with us on Monday, and so far seems competent, although I find her Spanish somewhat difficult to understand, as she mumbles a bit. Much better than no helper at all! There are two other teenage girls who live just down the road who have been helping us out a bit, but they are only available sporadically in the evenings and on the occasional day, as the go to school and work. With all three girls, I should hopefully have help available whenever I need it.

The coffee blooming is over, and the coffee beans are growing. The blossoming stage really didn't last long. Our beans are growing, and I took some pictures, but didn't get around to putting them on here before Eric took the camera to the beach this morning.

We have a month and a half left here. We plan to go Manuel Antonio beach (Pacific) as a family, hopefully check out the Caribbean side of things, go to the zoo, and go to the local serpentarium. I hope to go back to San Jose one more time.

We've got our tickets booked to Seattle on May 19 and we head back up to Whitehorse on May 29!

From Coffee Blooms to Scorpions

2010-04-01T17:35:00.000-07:00

The coffee is in bloom, white starbursts in a green universe, with a heady fragrance that reminds me of lily of the valley. The perfume of the coffee blossoms lingers in the air, and is especially noticeable when a warm current of air rolls through the coffee. My clothes line is right by some coffee bushes, and I wonder if my drying clothes will retain the scent.

Our birthday beans are sprouting already, which is very exciting! The sprouts are quite large, which is a good thing as the watering method of choice used by Elias and Eowyn is full blasting with the hose until the area is flooded. So far the beans don't seem to mind.

We went to San Jose a few days ago, just to be somewhere different. We decided to check out Escazu, which is supposed to be the most ritzy place to live in Costa Rica. The central park was nice, and Elias and Eowyn had fun playing with some girls they met there, but the residential areas are where the really nice places are. We went to the mall, which is pretty big, and very, very North American feeling. The one food I have not been able to find here is nut and seed butter, and unfortunately the health food store at the mall didn't have it either. There was a small indoor playground which the kids enjoyed.

waiting on our road for the bus

the mall

When we got home this creature was in the hallway waiting for us.

Eric tried to bait it to sting with a stick, but the the scorpion just wanted to get away. We put it outside, far away from our house. I hope it ate some silverfish while it was here.

Ten Years Later...

2010-03-31T06:23:00.000-07:00

I finally finished my novel! I know this will come as a surprise to those of who didn't know I was writing a novel, but the reason you didn't know is because for the last ten years I have spent most of my time NOT writing the novel. I started writing Sylvana and the Frog during a creative writing retreat course I took in the summer of 2000. I finished three chapters that summer, and over the next two years came up with a complete plot outline and finished two more chapters.

Ironically, I won a literary prize from Simon Fraser University for the novel before it was actually finished. I sent the first three chapters and the plot outline to a large publisher in New York, and decided I would finish writing it when I knew it was going to be published, as this seemed the most efficient way to go about things. It was rejected, so I didn't rush to finish.

I continued to write a chapter here and there over the years, and when I revisited it a few weeks ago discovered that I was well into writing chapter seven, out of ten chapters total. Suddenly, I was motivated, and just started writing. I found myself in the the story in a way I hadn't been before, really seeing the setting and characters, as if I were reading a story instead of writing it. The ink flowed, metaphorically of course as I was typing on my computer.

I've noticed that I'm generally a late bloomer. There are certain concepts and abilities that have taken a while for me to catch on to. Mostly, things need time to percolate. I first noticed this with chemistry. I took chemistry right to grade 12, and didn't understand most of it. A few years later I was trying to tutor someone and had to look at the material again, and lo and behold, it made a lot of sense. My brain grew up in a way that made it possible for me to comprehend the concepts.

I feel like I had a kind of block to writing a long piece of fiction that had to do with a lack of coherence in my brain for the concepts of creating realistic characters and describing the scenes in detail. Even though I had already created the plot and the characters they weren't really real to me yet. This time when I read my work I got caught up in the story and it all clicked together.

I feel that I am now at a point in my life where I could write more novels. This is a children's novel, and it comes in at just under 13 000 words. That's quite short, but with a few additional detail sentences here and there it should be long enough to publish. I still need to go back and edit the entire thing, but I am not much of a rewriter, as you can imagine, since it took me ten years to write the first draft. I plan to submit the manuscript to a Canadian publisher when I return to Canada. There are a few promising publishers of children's books out there, including Orca Book in BC and Annick Press in Ontario. Orca Book is probably a better fit with this novel, so I will submit there first.

Obviously I can't put the book online if I hope to get it professionally published, but I will give you a short synopsis.

Sylvana is a lonely young girl who meets a mysteriously friendly frog one summer at her family's cottage, after a fight with her older sister. Sylvana plays by herself in the woods and the lake with Frog, wondering about who he is, especially after she reads the fairytale 'The Princess and the Frog.' When one of her cousins breaks the glass dragonfly that Sylvana's mom gave her before she died, a series of events unfolds that reveals Frog's secret, confronts Sylvana with her mom's death, and brings her into the community of her family.

Elias Says Cute Things

2010-03-29T19:36:00.000-07:00

A Paradox
"I won't ask to be carried until you say yes."

Astute Observation about Our Friends in Whitehorse
"It's kind of funny; all of my friends live with your friends!"

I like to make up silly songs about things, spontaneously, and I also like to sing the kids hymns, kids songs, and choruses. Last night Elias asked me to sing a song about Jesus, so I sang "Jesus Loves Me," "Beloved, Let Us Love One Another," and "God's Love is Like a Circle." Elias then said he was going to sing a song. Before he started singing he lay down on the couch, put his feet up, and said he had to 'tune.' After an appropriate amount of time 'tuning' he started singing a song he made up combining lyrics and ideas from all three songs, and adding in his own ideas about goodness, kindness, and God. After the song he looked at me and said, "I think I should sing that song after I hurt someone." The workings of the four year old mind are quite something! I suggested, "Maybe you should sing that song before you hurt someone. So that you don't hurt them."

Elias has such a tender heart.

Eowyn's Second Birthday!

2010-03-25T18:59:00.000-07:00

Eowyn turned two years old on March 21st! We celebrated as a family, planting green bean seeds that were her birthday present.

She helped me make a cake, and we all had lots of fun singing "Happy Birthday" and eating it (except Amadeus, of course). She got to be the special birthday girl all day, and kept saying 'birthday!' throughout the day. She knows she is two, and she can count to five.

Eating cake and ice cream, yum!

Eowyn likes to be active. She loves to run and jump, and hang from things. She is also a very sturdy walker, and can walk quite a long way! Her favourite food is bananas, although I think pancakes are a close second. Actually, breastmilk is probably her very favourite food! She still loves to breastfeed.

She is very verbal, and has started to use 'I'm' in sentences. "I'm hungry. I'm tired. I'm thirsty." She calls Elias 'bruva' and Amadeus 'Dea,' although she can now also say, "Amadea." She loves her baby dolly. She plays really well with Elias, and they are great companions for each other.

Eowyn is pretty much potty trained. She takes herself to the toilet, and hasn't had an accident in a while. She still wears a diaper at night, but doesn't pee in it.

Eowyn is caring, curious, cuddly, courageous, (wow, those all start with 'c'!), and full of joy and laughter. She is friendly but also knows her own boundaries. She has a lot of energy and loves to be silly, and we are all so glad to have her as our little girl in our family!

Happy Birthday, Eowyn!

Yoga, How Do I Miss Thee

2010-03-22T13:31:00.000-07:00

It's official. Actually, it's more like quadruple official. I suck at doing physical activity by myself. The yoga DVD I bought for this trip? I've used it twice. My yoga mat has become a permanent decoration for our catch all table.

I just glanced over at Amadeus, and he was doing a great downward dog while looking at a book. And I was reminded of how I have been sitting at a computer for most of the day and I am all tight and scrunchy.

I miss Yoga at the Alpine. I miss Erica! Supposedly there is a woman here in San Luis who holds a yoga class. I've been seeking her out, but to no avail. One source recently told me that she lives up the road, two houses on the right (it's a pretty steep downward hill from our house to the road, and then a steep upward hill from our driveway, so I haven't made it that far to investigate yet).

In the meantime, I will continue to use the computer to write this post and not do yoga. Self-defeating, what?

Salsa! and Bean Salad!

2010-03-20T21:16:00.000-07:00

I totally made some great food the other day. Without any recipes. I never knew homemade salsa was so easy. And that you could make bean salad without sugar or vinegar. But when my brain gets working, watch out tastebuds! Here are the recipes, such as they are, since I did little to no measuring. I guess you will have to let your creative forces take over as you combine the ingredients.

Salsa
4 fresh, firm tomatoes, diced into small pieces
1 lime, juiced
fresh cilantro, chopped, however much you think looks good
1 clove fresh garlic, less or more depending on your taste
corn cut off of one cob
1/2 an onion, thinly sliced and diced
1/3 of a hot chili pepper (makes it mild)
salt to taste

Bean Salad
little bit of oil
some honey - maybe 1 -2 tablespoons?
juice of 1-2 limes
salt
cilantro
1/2 clove of garlic, finely chopped
equal parts of red beans, garbanzo beans, and green beans

mix it all, let it sit overnight for the best flavour.

Tomorrow is Eowyn's birthday. She'll be two years old! I wonder what kind of cake we will make?

Risks of Hospital Birth

2010-03-18T09:56:00.000-07:00

I prepared this document a year ago, but only now have finally found a place to put it on the web! Thanks so much to Melissa Valja for her fantastic design editing, and for everyone who contributed photos and helped edit.

Risks of Hospital Birth

While the booklet uses stories from women who have given birth in Whitehorse, and refers in some places to the Whitehorse hospital specifically, the information here can be extrapolated to any hospital, and particularly to hospitals with good reputations for maternity care.

Singing in Labour

2010-03-17T14:38:00.000-07:00

Finally the video of me singing in labour! This version does not contain the actual birth, and there is barely any nudity, for those concerned about such things. I do have a version with the actual birth, which is not graphic but still is more intimate and intense, and am trying to decide whether to post it here, post it on youtube, or just send it to individuals who are interested. The purpose of posting the version with the actual birth would be to educate and inform women about what physiological birth is like, to a greater extent than the version with just the labour. Part of me thinks I'm fine with posting it, part of me doesn't. Does anyone have any suggestions or comments about posting it?

I hope you enjoy this video, and share it with people! Singing in labour was a great experience for me!

More Photos! At Our House in San Luis de Grecia

2010-03-15T08:28:00.000-07:00

Photos!!!! Jaco Beach

2010-03-15T06:50:00.001-07:00

in the pool at the hotel at Jaco Beach

Eowyn at Jaco Beach

playing in the sand while Eric boogie boards

sunset at the beach while Eric surfs

who's been spoon feeding this baby dirt?

water wings are amazing! look at these two little fish!
(also of note: my new bathing suit)

dinner at a seafood restuarant

our waitress/chiniara (baby holder)

Eight Months!

2010-03-13T20:58:00.000-08:00

Amadeus is eight months old! I have been, finally, working on the birth video and hoped to have it finished, and it's almost done but I just have to figure out one last hurdle. Amadeus now has 3 1/2 teeth (the lower right tooth is not quite through). He is standing quite confidently while holding onto furniture (he's learning to fall on his bum rather than his head), sitting upright totally unassisted by either of his hands, and starting to hold onto chairs while standing and push them and walk around. He likes to bang blocks on the floor, and he claps his hands, which is so cute. He's started waving slightly to say 'hi'. I'm really enjoying that he goes to bed between 7pm and 8pm every night, and stays asleep (waking to nurse a few times, of course). He loves to put EVERYTHING in his mouth, including a live beetle today. Yum. Just glad it wasn't a cockroach. Or a scorpion.

I hope to put up photos tomorrow. Keep your fingers crossed!

VBAC Stories

2010-03-09T18:04:00.001-08:00

There's some interesting posts about VBACs (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean) on the ICAN VBAC blog carnival.

I am blessed to not have had a cesarean and therefore not to have had a VBAC, but I believe this to be a very important topic in regards to birth and women's rights. With a Cesarean rate of 25% across Canada, we are well beyond the acceptable 10-15% recommended as the absolute maximum for safety by the World Health Organization. When the C-section rate rises beyond 15%, then unnecessary surgery is being performed. A lot of unnecessary, major, abdominal surgery, with huge impacts for the woman, the baby, and any future pregnancies. Since many C-sections are performed because the woman has already had a C-section, information and access about and to VBACs is vital to both lowering the C-section rate and improving women's health.

The Rule of 10

2010-03-07T20:31:00.000-08:00

I'm not surprised, but I'm still amazed, at how little all of the ideas the medical world has about birth are actually true. Everyone knows that 10 cm dilation is the magic number during birth, right? Maybe not. This article from Midwifery Today sheds a whole new light on the subject.

I just want to make a note that during Elias' birth in the hospital, Dr. Ikeji told me I shouldn't push when I had the urge to bear down at 8 cm. I consented to lie on my side and pant to keep from pushing, and it was excruciating. And then I did directed pushing for 2 1/2 hours after that. I feel angry about many things that happened during his birth, and that's one of them. I had read so many books and articles encouraging me to trust my body, to let birth unfold naturally and to follow my body's lead and urges, but in the end my environment and my care provider trumped my intellectual foreknowledge and my body's wisdom.

TRUST WOMEN'S BODIES. WOMEN, TRUST YOURSELVES.
and
CHOOSE HOME BIRTH WITH A MIDWIFE WHOSE MOTTO IS "FIRST, DO NOT INTERFERE."

p.s. during my two home births I decided to have no cervical checks at all, and pushed when I felt like it. I felt no pressure to achieve a certain dilation, and since I had no information about how far dilated I was or wasn't I had no emotions about it. It was all about my body and what my body felt like doing, and not about external assessment and direction.

The “Rule of 10” Versus Women’s Primal Wisdom

by Lydi Owen

[Editor's note: This article first appeared in Midwifery Today Issue 86, Summer 2008.]

There is a rule of labor that forbids a woman to push with contractions until her cervix is completely dilated to 10 cm. Women are warned that to push before this doorway is completely open and out of the way will result in a swollen and/or torn cervix.

What will supposedly happen if the cervix swells?

Doctors, nurses, midwives, doulas and childbirth educators all warn that a swollen cervix will impede labor and increase the chances of tearing the cervix, thus causing hemorrhage. They have been taught that a swollen cervix is easily broken or pulverized. If this is indeed the truth, then why do most women during labor have an irresistible urge to begin bearing down before dilation is complete?

Could it be that the instinctual wisdom of our bodies has become our enemy? Is Spirit trying to destroy us instead of guiding us? Why would we feel the need to begin bearing down at 5–6 cm (or sooner) if it would shatter the gateway to the baby’s outer world?

These were questions that I pondered as a midwife, as I watched woman after woman give birth in the 1970s. Each of us struggled through the phase of labor when we wanted to push, but we knew that we had to refrain from doing so because that was what we had been taught in childbirth education classes. We had learned this from previous births in the hospital.

By what authority should we doubt the information given to us by the learned men and women of science?

Collectively, women decided that remaining passive during labor was better than risking injury or death of themselves and/or their unborn babies by obeying “outdated” promptings of their bodies, whose wisdom hadn’t kept up with science.

Could professionals be mistaken about when women can begin bearing down during labor, because they forgot one simple part of the equation—that of observing non-medicated women in labor in their natural habitats?

Remember this: People at one time believed that the world was flat. Dr. Ignaz Semmelweiss was ridiculed until his death in 1865 for suggesting that germs were responsible for the widespread child bed fever that killed an epidemic number of women simply because doctors didn’t wash their hands.(1)

How did this “Rule of Ten” come about?

In 1951 doctors Greenhill and DeLee wrote “During the first stage of labor no abdominal pushing is allowed because the cervix will tear.”(2)

We can safely assume that the women being studied by Greenhill and DeLee were under the influence of drugs, because in the mid-20th century the orgy of drug interference during labor and birth was at its height of glory. Almost no women were informed enough to withstand the onslaught of drugs given to them during birth in the hospital. Unfortunately, the situation has not changed in the sixty years since.

Therefore, these doctors were scientifically incorrect in concluding that the “Rule of Ten” was valid, without simultaneously observing a control group of drug-free laboring women in the upright position (as opposed to being drugged and lying down in beds).

The only place that they would have been able to make these observations by comparison would have been at homebirths. In the 1950s, homebirths were almost non-existent.

In the early part of the 1970s many American women, tired of being dominated by wrong medical thinking, left the system and went home to birth their children. I was one of these women. That birth led to my becoming a midwife.

The first time I witnessed the cervix miraculously responding to being pushed on at 6 cm dilation was when a woman was giving birth to her third baby. Susan had a quick and easy labor. When she reached 6 cm, she could not hold back from pushing. Her body gave her clear signals that it was time for her to aid the uterus in the expulsion of her unborn child, himself pushing to be born. She began to grunt and bear down involuntarily, making primitive animal sounds that emanated from deep inside her throat.

I, supposedly the learned one, watched her break the cardinal rule in obstetrics. Aloud, I recited, “You must not push. You’re not fully dilated. You can tear or injure your cervix. Pant like a puppy!”

I was attending a lady in birth who had previously given birth to five children in the hospital. She wanted very much to try a homebirth this time. I spent hours with her explaining why it was okay for her to push before ten. She was afraid of birth because her other labors had taken such a long time and were very painful, yet some part of her believed that she could do it and do it well.

Despite her fear of pain, she called me when her labor started and I drove to her home in the middle of the night. She dilated quickly to 5 cm, at which time she wanted to get in the bathtub in warm water. She seemed to be handling the contractions very well, just breathing in and blowing out. I could tell by observing her that she felt like bearing down, but she held back. I told her it was okay to push a little if she felt like it, but I could also sense that she didn’t trust that it was really okay. She had consistently been taught otherwise by her doctor, the nurses and previous childbirth educators. After an hour in the tub, Cathy asked me if I would check her dilation, which I did. She was still at 5 cm.

Cathy moaned with disappointment, but got back in the water and continued with her breathing in, blowing out for another hour. She asked me to check her again, certain that she must surely be 10 cm by now. The look on her face when I told her that she was still 5 cm was one of discouragement and hopelessness.

“Tell me what to do!” she cried, ready to let go of the old rules and try something different.

“Are you ready to trust in yourself, Cathy?” I asked her.

“Yes! Just help me please!”

I set up the birthing area on the floor (all the women I help give birth on the floor) and propped fat pillows next to the wall for shoulder and back support. I laid out a plastic shower curtain and plastic bed pads on top of it and then asked Cathy to position herself on the floor. Her husband held one leg and her sister helped hold her other leg up while she grabbed underneath her legs as the contraction started. I told her to go ahead and push is she felt like it (she had felt like doing so for two hours already, but didn’t because of fear).

She began to grunt with the force of the contraction and then back off a little to catch her breath. She then grunted again, this time a little harder, and then relaxed for another breath. She did this three times during that one contraction. When it was over, she smiled and said, “You’re right. It doesn’t hurt as much when I push.”

She naturally pushed harder with the next contraction as the baby began to rotate and move down, the cervix yielding and slipping over the baby’s descending head a little more with each successive contraction. She gave birth in twenty minutes to a healthy baby boy. She cried out joyfully with tears of gratitude that it was over and that she had done it so fast.

I spoke with her recently, ten years later after her son’s birth, and she still enjoys talking about how empowered that birth made her feel.

She obeyed with difficulty.

After thirty minutes of this ridiculous scenario, I checked her dilation again, hoping that she would now be dilated to 10 cm so that I could release her from her agony by giving her “permission” to push. Horror upon horrors greeted my fingers as I discovered that she was still only 6 cm, but now her cervix was swollen from not pushing.

She had several more contractions while I was on the telephone (I was new at midwifery), frantically calling midwives in another state because there weren’t any in Las Vegas, for advice on what to do about this “problem.” The midwife I spoke to wasn’t any more experienced than I was and apologized for not knowing what to tell me.

While I was on the phone, Susan, tired of panting like the puppy she wasn’t, finally just went ahead and began pushing without my “permission.” I threw down the telephone, rushed over and quickly slipped on a sterile glove. As she pushed, I felt her very puffy cervix, now 7 cm, slip over the baby’s head. Out popped his little head, all in one contraction.

Her cervix didn’t tear, the swelling subsided immediately, and mother and baby were both fine. Mom was no doubt relieved that she had survived her well-meaning, but ignorant, midwife.

I went home thinking about that one, convinced that we were just lucky that everything turned out okay in spite of the fact that this woman ignored science in favor of primal wisdom.

The next time I encountered a “defiant” woman was soon after, when another woman went into labor. Carol was expecting her second baby. During active labor, at 4 cm—when her cervix was soft and stretchy—Carol squatted by her bedroom door and hung onto the doorknob with both hands. She then began to bear down with each very strong contraction.

“Oh, great, here we go again,” I thought as I advised her to desist from pushing.

Carol was less “obedient” than Susan had been and didn’t give ear to my dire warning. She just grunted and pushed like an empowered woman, completely unafraid, and within 30 minutes dilated to 10 cm.

Her baby was fine, her cervix was fine, and this time I was fine. I now understood the power of fearless women and the primal (of first importance) wisdom of our bodies.

As I attended more and more births, I learned that women could safely push during labor sooner than what the textbooks claimed. However, the question wasn’t whether a woman pushed, but how and when.

In my quest to “help” the next woman in labor with my newly discovered information, I wrongly decided to “assist” her to dilate faster by massaging and stretching her cervix when she was 4 cm dilated. What I didn’t yet understand was that the cervix has to be thin, soft and stretchy for this to work and the woman has to be getting the signal to bear down of her own accord, not my good intentions to help her get labor over with faster.

I ended up sending her into the hospital for “failure to progress,” when I caused the failure to progress. I was embarrassed that I had prevented her from having a good homebirth just because I was ignorant. I came to realize that I had much to learn about the different stages of labor from observation of women in their natural habitats. What we have been taught about labor and birth in medical textbooks comes from observation of medicated women in “laboratories” (hospitals), like mice in cages. Observations of women lying in beds, laboring under the influence of analgesics and anesthetics provide no real clue to the workings of the human body during labor and birth.

For decades women had been drugged during labor and put to sleep during the actual birth of the baby, so I can certainly understand how the “Rule of Ten” must have come about. If a woman was not dilated completely before the hands of the strong male doctor forcefully pushed, pulled and tugged the sedated infant out of a limp body, then certainly the doctor could easily have torn her cervix with his brute strength if it wasn’t completely out of the way (dilated to 10 cm). Gladys McGarey, MD, writes in the Women’s Wellness section of Venture Inward’s November/December 2007 issue, “Let’s respect nature’s wisdom…. Our job is to recognize and support the Divine order of things.”(3)

Dr. McGarey writes about the conditions of women in Afghanistan in 2005 as they gave birth to their babies. The attendants didn’t understand the anatomy and physiology of labor and birth and therefore used severe external pressure to deliver the babies. She also writes that this caused problems such as ruptured uteri and bladders, leading to many maternal deaths.

In the US, in the early part of the 20th century, the “Rule of Ten” no doubt came about for that same reason. Six to nine of every 1000 women died in childbirth in the early part of the 20th century.(4) If the cervix is not out of the way when severe fundal pressure is used, it will act as a counter-force to external fundal pressure and will inevitably result in either a torn cervix or uterus.

I have attended the labors and births of many, many Hispanic women. I have observed many friends and family members of the laboring women who do not have any medical or anatomical knowledge of the human body attempt to speed up labor in these same very unwise ways. I was attending a laboring woman who was pregnant with her first child. She was handling the contractions like a pro, but the labor was slow, which is normal for a first time mother.

Veronica preferred to walk during the contractions. Her cervix stayed at 4 cm for several hours (a normal occurrence), but now her cervix was beginning to soften from the repeated contractions. However, Veronica’s mother was getting impatient. As I had done in the past, she figured she would help her daughter get this labor over with more quickly. From the grandmother’s point of view, she was going to help get that big baby out of that small vaginal opening.

I had gone into the kitchen to get a drink of water when I heard Veronica let out an anguished moan from the bedroom. Alarmed, I rushed into the bedroom to find out what was wrong. Veronica sounded like she was in serious pain. I discovered that her mother was standing behind her with both her arms wrapped around her daughter’s abdomen, pressing down as hard as she could on the top of Veronica’s belly during a contraction.

Her mother believed that she was helping her daughter, but to me the way she was pushing on her stomach looked barbaric. The grandmother did not understand that there was another doorway (the cervix) inside her daughter’s body that had to open before the baby could be born through the exterior doorway—the vaginal opening. In her simple, uneducated mind, she thought she was helping. She did not know that she might tear the cervix by what she was doing because she didn’t even know that there was such a thing as the cervix in the way. I knew better than to insult this grandmother by telling her to stop doing that, so I just made eye contact with Veronica and motioned with my eyes that she come into the other bedroom. Veronica kindly removed her mother’s hands from her belly and followed me, telling her mother in Spanish that I was going to examine her.

Her mother was furious that she was unable to help her daughter the way she had been taught in the small farm town in Mexico where she was born. She clearly considered me an ignorant intruder. However, what she had been doing was dangerous. I wondered how many women and babies had actually died from uterine ruptures in Mexico during labor and birth because of attendants who unwittingly pushed on a mother’s uterus to “help” her, the same way they do in Afghanistan and did in the US in the past.

Midwifery in itself isn’t dangerous. Midwifery without proper education can be dangerous in the face of aggressive caregivers. Certainly we all need an understanding of anatomy and physiology to be effective midwives.

However, rather than accepting the “Rule of Ten” just because it is written in a medical textbook, we must question whether this rule is valid and examine how it came about, especially as we observe multitudes of women wanting to push before they are completely dilated. For over a century, women in the US have been conditioned to think that doctors are the experts. As a result, we have buried our primal instincts somewhere deep inside our subconscious minds. Just telling a laboring woman that she can trust her body won’t wipe away centuries of conditioning that it isn’t okay to do so without scientific proof. Unless a woman has been raised on an island far from civilization, she will likely have read or heard something that influences how she will give birth. Everything she has learned has the risk of interfering with or empowering her to listen to and respond to her primal instincts during birth.

I believe that the scientific evidence for eliminating the “Rule of Ten” comes from page 171 of Helen Varney’s Nurse Midwifery, where she describes what happens in the phase of maximum slope.(5)

First let me say that a non medicated woman will never push so hard against her undilated cervix that it tears, because it will hurt. Pain is a natural deterrent to pushing too hard. However, when done in the correct manner, pushing to help rotate a baby and dilate oneself will actually eliminate a great deal of pain and cut hours off one’s labor and birth.

Women feel greatly empowered when they can merge with their contractions, unafraid, because the pain diminishes as they do so and labor time is significantly reduced.

Stages of Labor

All textbooks define normal labor and birth as occurring in three stages: First stage is considered to be from the start of active labor until complete dilation; second stage is the birth of the baby or the pushing stage; third stage is the birth of the placenta.

The first stage of labor is further subdivided into the latent phase and the active phase. The active phase is then further subdivided into three more phases: the acceleration phase, the phase of maximum descent and the deceleration phase, also known as transition.

Yet, the same breathing technique is advocated for all the subdivisions of active phase and the “Rule of Ten” is adhered to no matter what.

How much sense does that make? It’s like asking a woman sweeping the floor to breathe the same way that a woman running a marathon would do, or like asking a man digging a ditch with a shovel to breathe and blow instead of grunting as he throws a load of dirt over his shoulder.

I have frequently stated that most of the birthing women I have observed wish to begin pushing, bearing down or grunting at 5–6 cm. This is because they have entered the phase of maximum slope.

According to Varney, three sequential phases of active labor were defined and described by Dr. E.A. Friedman in 1978 in Labor: Clinical Evaluation and Management.(6) She states: “The phase of maximum slope is the time when cervical dilatation is occurring most rapidly from 3–4 cm to about 8 cm.”(7)

This dilation averages 3 cm per hour in nulliparas. In multiparas, it averages 5.7 cm per hour. The average maximum rate of descent in first-time mothers is 1.6 cm per hour and in multips it is 5.4 cm per hour.

This means that for both primips and multips, doctors observed that women dilated rapidly from 4–8 cm in approximately one hour or so. The descent of the baby’s head in first-time mothers was naturally slower than for women who had already given birth to other children vaginally. Can you imagine the descent and dilation that occurs in women who give birth at home, who are walking during labor and who are not medicated? Can you understand now why the rule needs to change?

The phase of maximum slope is defined as dilation occurring most rapidly from 4–8 cm dilation, but my experience shows that it occurs most rapidly between 5 and 8 cm.

I believe that a Divine reason is behind the fact that the cervix stays at 4 cm for the majority of labor.

Each contraction starts in the top part of the uterus and spreads downward; it is stronger and persists longer in the upper region. On reaching the lower uterine segment the contraction weakens considerably, permitting the cervix to dilate. There is neuromuscular harmony between the upper and lower segment throughout labor. The muscular fibers of the upper segment contract strongly and retract (become progressively shorter), while the fibers of the lower segment contract only slightly and dilate. As the upper segment contracts and retracts, the lower uterine segment has to “thin out” to accommodate the descending baby. This continues until the cervix if fully dilated and the baby can leave the uterus.

The upper segment increases in thickness up to four times, diminishing the uterine cavity considerably where the baby is lying.(8) As this is happening, the lower segment becomes more and more yielding to the pressure of the baby’s head against it. This is why at 5 cm, the cervix is usually so stretchy and thin that it can no longer hold back the flexing, rotating and descending baby.

Because of Divine design, as the uterine cavity itself diminishes in size due to the increased thickness of the upper segment and the increased thinness of the lower segment, the baby is protected from strangling on the cord because his position relative to the cord and placenta does not change as he drops farther and farther into the pelvis. Many babies get wrapped in their cords before birth. If this decrease in size of the uterine cavity didn’t take place, the baby could easily strangle in the umbilical cord during labor and birth.

When the baby has reached its maximum descent before complete dilation (8 cm), the mother enters the deceleration phase. This phase is the end of the active phase. Dilation now temporarily slows. At this point, many mothers wish to lie down and rest, or get onto hands and knees to complete dilation. Many mothers I have observed have to rest for only a few minutes before the cervix relaxes and the mother feels like pushing again. The cervix can no longer withstand the pressure of both the baby and the mother’s pushing efforts and relinquishes its hold on the baby.

In summary, after decades of believing the “Rule of Ten” to be gospel truth, many women have difficulty letting go of false beliefs. We will take a while before we again trust our primal wisdom. However, when we do, I truly believe that the cesarean rate will drop dramatically.

One of the main reasons for cesareans is because of slow labor; yet labor is often slow because of the rules we have made.

Lydi Owen is the mother of six, grandmother of six (another on the way) and great-grandmother of four. She has practiced midwifery for 36 years and helped over 2600 babies into the world. She has written three books, produced a DVD and is founder of the nonprofit Association for the Prevention of Maternal Attachment Disorders. Her Web site is www.powerbirth.com.

References:

www.cdc.gov/ncidod/EID/vol7no2/cover.htm. Accessed 13 Feb 2008.
Greenhill, J.P., and J. DeLee. 1951. The Principles and Practice of Obstetrics, 10th ed. Philadelphia: WB Saunders.
McGarey, G. 2007. Venture Inward. Virginia Beach, Virginia: Association for Research and Enlightenment, Inc., November/December.
“Achievements in Public Health, 1900–1999: Healthier Mothers and Babies,” MMWR, 1 Oct 1999.
Varney, H. 1980. Nurse Midwifery. Boston: Blackwell Scientific Publications.
Friedman, E.A. 1955. Primipara Labor Curve. Obstet Gynecol 6: 569. Cited in Varney, p. 170.
Varney, p. 171.
Buhimschi, C.S., et al. Myometrial thickness during human labor and immediately post partum. Am J Obstet Gynecol 188: 553–59; Myles, M. 1981. Textbook for Midwives, 9th ed. New York: Churchill Livingstone.

The Search For Boy's Underwear

2010-03-06T09:00:00.000-08:00

Elias' underwear that we brought from Canada have entered the constantly having to be picked out of his bum stage of fitting, as in they are too small (I checked the size and they are labeled 2T-3T, so I guess that shouldn't be a surprise). So I have been looking around for new underwear. Would you believe how hard this is?

First of all, there's the difficulty of finding a store with boy's underwear. Then, once found, there is the difficulty of finding a new pair that is the right size. Elias appears to be big for his age, as 4T clothes are too small. You're not usually allowed to try on underwear, so I have to purchase these underwear, take them home, Elias tries them on, and they don't fit. For some reason, even the ones that do appear to fit sometimes STILL give him a wedgie.

On top of all this, they're not even cheap. $5 for a pair of boy's underwear! That's a bit ridiculous. I found a package of three today for $5, but it turns out, once I got them home, that they are not in fact boxer briefs, which Elias likes, but briefs, which he calls girl's underwear.

The thing is, this problem is not isolated to Central America. I have had the exact same shopping difficulty in Whitehorse. And I'm pretty sure that unless I hit the magic jackpot by finding a great store on the first try, I'd have the same problem in Vancouver. And when I'm running around trying to find underwear I usually either have the baby strapped on, which is very hot and tiresome, or I have a time limit because the baby is not with me and I need to get home to nurse him. And then of course, there is always the underlying awareness that all the stores I am shopping at are neither organic nor fair trade, so my purchases are not contributing towards better practices for the earth and people. When I can find what I need quickly for a good price at ethical stores, shopping is great. Otherwise...grrrrrr.

The good news is that the briefs (aka girl underwear) seem to fit in a size 6-8 years old, and Elias has been prancing around in them for the past few hours, naked except for this one article of clothing. I've told him that these are in fact boy's underwear, and they do have a picture of an airplane on them, so he seems convinced. And so far, I haven't seen him trying to pick them out of his bum.

The Beach, Costa Rica

2010-03-04T20:13:00.000-08:00

We're at Playa Jaco. I was told by a few people that Jaco (pronounced ha-ko) is touristy and commercial and Manuel Antonio is more authentic. Seriously, I have had my share of towns without amenities for a while. I kind of like being here where there are a dozen shops where you can buy handcrafted touristy type things, good restaurants, good supermarkets, and a general atmosphere of upscale living. If there is one thing Central America has shown me it is my commercialist heart. I really thought I was immune, but apparently I'm not. I don't know what to make of this. I like being able to buy what I want, when I want. I like having access to brown rice, whole wheat flour, and organic shampoo. I like walking into a store and finding what I'm looking for, whether it's pants for me or the kids. I like going to the mall, watching a movie, and eating Pizza Hut. Nicaragua was inexpensive, but I also couldn't find the things I wanted, at least not without a lot of effort and arranging. Here, in Costa Rica, everything is just nicer and more available.

I like having a nice house with a nice view and a nice yard. There's a reason commericalism is alive and well, people. Because we LIKE it. It's hard not to like. It's especially hard when I know that the only reason most people in Nicaragua aren't buying upscale items and don't have upscale neighbourhoods is because they can't afford it, not because they don't want it. I'm feeling a real tension in values, right now. I know it's better for the environment and supposedly better for my spirit to buy less, consume less, scale down, live simply, and not be a consumer. But I like to be able to buy a book in English when I want to read a book. Yes, it would be better to get it from a library or buy it used. In one way. But there's another way to look at this too. By buying the book new I am supporting the writer. Is this just a way to justify spending more money? But there's truth to it. Every time I buy something I support someone who made the product.

If I buy a handmade item from a tourist store, I support the artist, the store, and its employees. If I go to a spa (and I did!) I provide income for the spa and its employees, as well as the company whose products they use. If I eat at a restaurant then I support that business. So then the question becomes, who am I supporting and are they worthy of my support? In Canada I was trying to buy more organic, fairly made items. But should I be buying less of these items than I would if I was buying non organic, non fairly made items? Is buying organic, fairly made items whenever I want, instead of whenever I need (and this is a tricky concept), still consumerism? What is consumerism, anyway?

I feel like consumerism is this big evil I've been opposed to and I don't even know my enemy. In the meantime, I'm enjoying swimming in a large body of clean drinking water every day (the hotel pool), cooling off with air conditioning, and eating good food that is readily available at the supermercados and the restaurants. I've also been enjoying the extra large sunhat I bought and my new bathing suit. Two items I would never have been able to find at Las Penitas in Nicaragua. Yes, I could have made do with my old pregnancy bathing suit I brought along (yuck, yuck, yuck) and yes, I could have made do with my hat with a very small brim. But while I value resourcefulness, I am also starting to value having the tools to fit the occasion, which makes the difference between want and need somewhat difficult to interpret.

The glasses of Chilean wine I've had tonight are also making my brain a little fuzzy, so I will just end with this summary of our time at the beach so far: morning swim in the pool with water wings for the two older kids, beach time before the sun gets too hot, lots of snacks and food, lots of TV for the kids while the sun is scorching, naptime, dinner at a restaurant, 1 liter fresh fruit smoothies for $2, flowers everywhere, nighttime swim in the pool, bed.

San Jose

2010-02-28T13:38:00.000-08:00

I´m in San Jose, Costa Rica´s biggest city and I think its capital. I arrived here this morning, and will leave tomorrow afternoon. Heilym is with me, and she will stay here and then continue on to Nicaragua on Tuesday. She misses her family and she has been having back problems, so she has decided to go home to Jinotega and continue with university starting in June. We will help her to pay for her classes and books, as she is definitely a scholar and we would like to see her succeed in her education.

I´m not usually a city person, but I really like San Jose. It feels in some way similar to Victoria or Vancouver to me, as it is fairly green, and its central area near the park has a long pedestrian only road.

We had a great lunch at Restaurante Tin Jo, Asian food, specifically we ate Thai, which was delicious.

This evening we hope to go the cinema and see Heilym´s first movie in a theatre! Hopefully Amadeus sleeps..... He´s been having a lot of teething pain today so I´m considering Tylenol, as we are not at home with frozen washcloths from the freezer. My breast works for a while, but after a while even magic milk doesn´t work.

I´m having lots of fun, fulfilling my new year´s ´resolution´! Next week, the beach!

Teeth, Teeth, Teeth, Teeth

2010-02-27T09:25:00.000-08:00

Amadeus is officially surviving the first rites of teeth cutting on his journey into eating solid food. He now has both top teeth and the two bottom ones are bubbling. He cries and breastfeeds more, but I am so impressed that he still sleeps at night, sometimes for three or four hours at a time.

He LOVES food, which is no surprise as we are a family of food lovers. And eating food sure beats eating dirt off the floor, which I have a suspicion he has probably eaten a kilogram of by now, inadvertently of course (by which I mean i am not feeding it to him with a spoon or encouraging his consumption, but he crawls, on the floor, life happens).

No pictures to share right now, but hopefully soon.

I'm using internet in the central park in Grecia, there's glare on the screen, but it's really nice to have the breeze. Hard to imagine the snow and cold in Whitehorse!

Here In Costa Rica

2010-02-22T08:59:00.000-08:00

After ten hours on the bus, getting up at 5 am to catch the 6 am bus, we made it from Managua to Grecia. Our rental house is gorgeous, with a five million dollar view. Seriously. 360 degree view, both the front and back of the property. I can see the whole central valley from the living area windows and front patio, and at night it is all glittery with lights.

Which means, of course, that the house is up on a hill, which also means that there is a very steep, long drive to walk up and down to get to and from the bus. There is a very steep, I would say cliff, drop off on the back of the property, planted with coffee bushes. Thankfully there is also some sort of tall frondy plant planted along the edge before the drop off, forming a barrier so it's obvious you shouldn't walk through. There is lots of grass, some trees, a great covered patio, and lots of sticks, stones, leaves, and water from the hose for the kids to play with. There may be a banana tree, I haven't checked it out yet.

The drawbacks are that it is a thirty minute bus ride into Grecia, and the bus only comes every hour and a half to two hours. There are two small pulperias close by (they sell staples like rice, beans, flour etc.) although of course there is the big walk up and down the steep hills that are the road. The driveway is gravel but the roads are paved, so that is a plus. The owners are coming to use the house from March 2-9, so we will have to go somewhere else. We will probably go the beach.

The neighbours are friendly, and have six kids, including a two year old and a four year old (girls). They have already come up to visit, and Elias tried to engage them in playing with his tools in the gravel. They were a bit shy, but hopefully will warm up.

We don't have internet at the house yet, but the mall here has free wireless internet in the food court, so I am using that.

So far, I like Costa Rica. It is definitely cleaner and more developed than Nicaragua. The climate at our house is perfect--Grecia is a bit hot. People here seem friendly, and I love the bakery Musmanni!!! I have been eating quite a few pastries since we arrived.

Have to go buy vegetables since I am in town. I will write again when I can.

Seven Months!

2010-02-13T07:44:00.000-08:00

Amadeus is seven months today! And I am VERY happy to announce that I am NOT pregnant.

He is amazingly mobile, and just today pulled himself to standing for the first time. He can crawl super fast, smiling the whole time, loves to stick his bum up in the air, can go from crawling to sitting to crawling again, and of course loves to chew on everything. I am also pleased to announce that when he is sitting he leans on his left hand, which is an indicator that he will be a lefty. Why am I happy about this? I'm a lefty. Seeing as how none of the kids got my brown eyes, I think it's only fair that one of them should be a lefty!

He is also getting his two top front teeth, although they don't show yet. I can just feel the first one breaking through the gum today. He is doing very well with the teething, and only has a bit of extra crying which is resolved with either a frozen washcloth or breastfeeding. So far, his sleep hasn't been too interrupted either, which is a blessing.

He is happy to be held by just about anyone, although he reaches for me when he sees me and sometimes starts crying, depending on when he last had milk, usually.

Here he is, my smiley, content, agile little baby boy.

Cost Of Living In Nicaragua

2010-02-12T18:29:00.000-08:00

Cost of living in Nicaragua is probably one of the things most people want to know about. I know I googled it a lot when I was first doing research. I've been meaning to post about this for a while, and I've finally pulled out the receipts and I'll give you some numbers. Keep in mind these are for the town of Jinotega, which has a population of approximately 20, 000 (or so I'm told, I don't know for sure), so some things will be more and some things will be less in other parts of the country. When prices are in US dollars I will just use the dollar sign $. When in cordobas I will use C$. Each cordoba is worth about $0.05 US, and there are C$20 in $1.

Housing
$ 300 Rent for nice house, 4 bedrooms, 2 bathrooms, garage, not furnished
$ 30 Rent for fridge and gas stove (monthly)
$ 25 Rent for 2 rocking chairs, 1 large bookshelf, 1 toaster oven, 1 lamp (monthly)
$ 40 Approximately per month for electricity
$ 40 Approximately per month for water
C$10 Approximately per month for garbage
$60 Approximately per month for 2 Mb internet (need to sign up for 18 month contract
with Claro, $100-$200 to cancel before 18 months)

Furniture & Household Items
C$20 Bowl
C$17 Glass
C$10 Spoon
C$7 Fork
C$260 Large pot
C$120 Medium pot
C$30 Plate
C$10 Kitchen Towel
C$70 Large glass bowl
C$1340 Ladder
C$250 Full sheet set
C$3200 Table and 4 chairs, wooden
C$6400 Couch, 2 armchairs, wooden coffee table
C$1800 Computer desk
C$1950 Wooden decorative freestanding shelf
C$4000 Double bed (mattress, boxspring, legs)
C$2600 Single bed (mattress, boxspring, legs)
C$900 Blender

Food
C$50 Watermelon
C$30 Pineapple
C$30 Large avocado
C$10 12 oranges
C$10 12 bananas
C$10 4 carrots
C$10 green beans, one small baggie
C$10 one head of broccoli
C$3 bunch of parsley
C$8 1 pound of potatoes
C$8 1 pound of beans
C$8 1 pound of white rice
C$22 1 package beans (900 grams) from Pali
C$68 1 pound high quality beef from Pali
C$100 1 whole chicken (approx. 4-5 lbs)
C$33 Vegetable oil
C$15 Rolled oats, 6 cups
C$23 Raisins, 250 grams
C$15 Coke, 1 litre
C$9 Pasta, 200 grams
C$16 1 apple
C$60 Huggies diapers, 10
C$63 Butter, 1 pound
C$17 Milk, 900 ml
C$2.5 1 egg
C$20 whole wheat bread

Employees
$130 Monthly wage for a full time employee who cleans, shops, cooks, does laundry and helps with children. This includes at least one meal a day. For our live in employee we provide three meals a day, and she also works longer hours than our other employee. We provide other benefits in the form of funding English school, paying for travel when our employee travels with us (including food and accommodations of course), providing some funding for medication that's required for them and their families, and providing opportunities for our employees to practice English with us.

We probably spend about $100 a week on food, and we eat really well. We buy lots of fresh fruit and vegetables, and buy chicken about three times a week and beef about once a week. We eat pasta once or twice a week, beans and rice three times a week, and usually have porridge or toast for breakfast.

Eating out is not too costly, usually about $5-$10 for the highest priced meals. Cookies are C$8 for six at the local bakery, and a small ice cream cone is C$10.

Whole wheat flour is not sold in the market or at the Pali, but there is a store near the market that sells it. It's C$8 per pound. Brown rice is not available here that I have found, but if we were staying longer I would track some down. I know you can buy it in Managua, and it may be possible to purchase it directly from the rice factory in Sebaco. La Colonia, a grocery chain, which has a store in Matagalpa, also sells it in small, expensive packages.

The cost of a hotel is usually between $20 - $30 per night for a room with private bathroom and a fan, depending on how many people and for how many nights.

Hopefully this is some use to those of you googling cost of living in Nicaragua!

Midwifery Is Alive In Central America!

2010-02-12T11:34:00.001-08:00

I just received a comment on this blog from a woman who lives in Costa Rica and is involved with Mamasol, a Costa Rican organization promoting midwifery care, birth education and choices, and humane birth in Central America. I'm excited to learn more! Their website is www.mamasol.com.

As I explored the Mamasol link, I came across a link to a midwifery clinic in Esteli, Nicaragua! This clinic sounds fantastic, doing just the sort of work I would love to be involved with. I don't know if I'll have a chance to make it to Esteli before we go to Costa Rica, but if I do I'll be stopping by. Their website is www.mamasclinic.org. This is exactly the kind of midwifery education and care I would hope for Nicaragua.

Costa Rica Dreaming

2010-02-12T07:36:00.000-08:00

The saga continues. We gave notice for February 17 at this house in Jinotega, and Eric went to Costa Rica to find us a house. He returned with no house, and we decided to stay in Nicaragua, as it was all getting too stressful. I informed our landlady, who was pleased, and we signed an agreement to revert to the original contract. Eric arrived home and was depressed that we weren't going to Costa Rica. The next day our landlady showed up in the morning and said there was "una problema." The problema being that her mom had rented the house to someone else starting February 19!

So it is off to Costa Rica for us, and I am mostly glad. I haven't been there, so I don't have the same sense of what might be better like Eric does. I will miss Jinotega, as I now know the town, and where to buy things like whole wheat flour, good honey, and decent cookies. We have the bud of a relationship with some people here, which won't get the chance to bloom, so I am sad about that. I am also sad to be leaving Juana behind, as she is an excellent employee and the kids really like her.

But, the things I am looking forward to in Costa Rica include nice walks in the countryside with no garbage, the ability to live in a nice house with a view and a grassy yard for the kids to play in, better groceries close to home, and living in a place that is only one hour from a major center (San Jose) and one hour from the beach.

After much internet searching I found a place that meets most of our criteria, except that it only has two bedrooms. We are not sure yet if we will be able to get internet, so a long term stay will depend on that factor as well. It is in a little village in the hills above Grecia, the house is only four years old, there is a private yard with grass and trees for the kids to play in, the house is completely furnished down to the bed linens and pots and pans, there are little stores and cafes close by in the village, and it is only about a 15 minute bus ride to Grecia! I really hope this little house in the hills works for us, and that we can get internet. It is available the day we arrive, and then the owners will be coming from the States to stay in it for a week as of March 2. This will be our trial period to see how things go and if all goes well then we will stay on after March 9. Our current plan is to go to the beach for the week the owners are there, although we will see if this changes after we are there. The rent is $900 a month, which includes utilities, so quite a bit more than we are paying here but I think we will get quite a bit more too!

Here's a few pictures -- I'm looking forward to seeing this in person next week!

Amadeus' First Food

2010-02-10T20:22:00.000-08:00

Papaya!

I was going to post a video here, but I have tried uploading it about six times and it is just getting ridiculous. Here's a still capture of the first frame of the video instead.

Elias Rides A Two Wheel Bike!

2010-02-06T20:05:00.001-08:00

On Thursday I bought Elias a bike. He has been asking for one since we first got here. Today, at the central park in Jinotega, Nicaragua, Elias learned to ride a bike without training wheels. He is just four years old. I know that all the balancing practice he got this past summer riding the no pedal bike the Kaisers lent us (thanks, Christina!) and the bike with training wheels from Grandmom & Grandad really made him ready to ride!

And a few minutes later....

How To Cope When Your Children Won't Go To Sleep And Your Spouse Is In A Different Country

2010-02-03T18:54:00.000-08:00

Gin.
Rum.
Sugar.
Chocolate.
That's all I have to say about that.

Grandmom and Grandad's Visit -- We're Not In Canada Anymore

2010-02-02T19:24:00.001-08:00

My parents arrived in Managua on January 26, and I took the bus down to meet them and bring them to Jinotega on Wednesday, January 27. They just left this morning, and we really enjoyed their visit.

They brought a TON of awesome presents for the kids with them, mostly Melissa & Doug wooden toys, which is one of the safest, non-toxic toy brands on the market. Lots of puzzles, lacing toys, and some trucks for Elias. We celebrated Elias' birthday on Thursday, and wow, did he ever get showered with presents! The final present my parents brought out was a big plastic bulldozer from my grandma in Ottawa, which makes an engine noise and sparks on the wheels, and that was the best grand finale Elias could have ever hoped for. He loves that truck, and wheels it around bulldozing blocks and other living room paraphernalia.

For Elias' birthday he and I made a no sugar carrot cake, involving honey and pineapple, which was very yummy. Us making it together was part of his birthday present. He also had a pinata, in the shape of a rooster, which he had lots of fun trying to bang apart. Eowyn took a few turns too, and it was all somewhat dangerous as they were swinging around the long broom handle. I guess that's what makes it so exciting! Eventually we ended up smashing it on the floor, as it was a very slow process trying to smash it while is swinging from the ceiling.

My parents also brought a lot of books, including some books I had ordered on Amazon and had sent to their house. I can read again! It's fun to have lots of new stories, and I especially love the children's book I Love You Because You're You. They also brought books I had ordered to give to Juana's kids and to Heilym, and presents from them for everyone as well.

And, maple syrup for me (I mean for the whole family...)! And sunflower seed butter! And brown rice! I'm going to make rice for Amadeus as his first food, when Eric gets back from Costa Rica.

Yes, Eric is in Costa Rica again. We have been thinking that we would like to experience what living in Costa Rica is like, so Eric went there on Saturday to look for a rental house. So far he is not finding anything suitable, so we will probably just stay in Jinotega. We would need a furnished house with at least three bedrooms, which is hard to find in the area we want (Grecia).

We went to Selva Negra with my parents, and Elias and Eowyn both went on a little horse ride. We also went to the mercado with my parents, which even on a Sunday is incredibly busy, noisy, smelly, and colourful. Juana's kids came over for a visit, and we went out to visit Heilym's mom and little brother in the country (about 20 minutes drive from our house). It was really interesting to see how their family lives.

They own a lot of land and cattle, but their house has a concrete/dirt floor, and wooden plank walls with a lot of gaps where wind and dust can get in. They have no running water at their house, and have to haul it from a tap at the end of the long lane that leads to the main road. Their stove is made of clay and burns wood, and their bathroom is an outhouse up high on cement blocks. The shower is outside too, and is just an enclosure where someone can take a bucket of water with a bowl and dump it on themselves. There is a front room, a kitchen, and a bedroom in the house, and all the beds are in the one bedroom. We pass these wooden houses along the road all the time when we are traveling by bus, so it was really interesting to see inside one. The countryside where her family lives is very peaceful and pretty, and they have mango, orange, and another kind of fruit tree I don't remember the name of in their yard.

Her little brother, Sayid, has a shiny new bike with training wheels, and Elias, Sayid, and Eowyn had fun riding on it, with one person riding behind, around the little dirt yard.

I took lots of photos on my mom's camera, but wasn't able to put any of them on my computer (incompatible memory card), so I'll have to get them later.

The kids had a great time with their Grandmom and Grandad, with lots of playtime, story time, walk time, and snuggle time. We walked them to the bus this morning, and waved goodbye as the bus left for Managua. On the way back home we met a girl who lives a half a block from us who was holding two baby bunnies! I stopped to look at them and pet them, and Eowyn and Elias had a chance to hold them and pet them. All day Elias kept asking if we could go back and visit the bunnies, so after dinner we walked to her house, which is also a little store. She was just coming into the house when we got there, and I asked if it would be okay if the kids could hold the bunnies (conejitos). We sat outside on their bench, and Emily gave each of them a bunny on their lap. The bunnies are so soft and cute! We talked a little with the kids who were there, and their father (I think) who spoke a little English.

A bizarre event in the middle of this was that the mother of one of the boys who was with us, who is probably about ten years old, came and dragged him off the step and started beating him on the shoulder with a belt she'd wound around her hand. Apparently she just wanted him to come home, because he'd been out of the house for too long. He was cowering and covering his head as she hauled him away, hitting him the whole time. Heilym saw him later when she went out to meet a friend, and he told her that his mother had given him a beating. She told him she was sorry that that happened. I asked Heilym if this is common, and she said yes. I don't think everyone approves, but no one interferes. I'm still trying to understand parenting in this culture, but one thing I know for sure--we're not in Canada anymore.

Adventures ~ Las Penitas

2010-01-25T14:39:00.001-08:00

This past Thursday morning Heilym, Amadeus, and I caught the 7:30 am bus to Managua. We arrived at immigracion around 10 am, and an hour later I walked out with renewed visas for Amadeus, Eowyn, and myself for another 90 days in Nicaragua. The process was fairly painless, actually, and cost us approximately $33 each. After a quick stop at the supermarket La Colonia for snacks, we hopped on a bus to Leon, and then from Leon on a bus to the beach, Las Penitas.

On the bus to Leon I met a couple and their four year old girl from Dawson City in the Yukon! They are living in San Juan del Sur, pretty much doing the same thing we are--escaping winter. That was pretty neat, and just goes to show how adventurous Yukoners really are.

This was Heilym's first time ever going to the beach, and she was quite excited to see the ocean! We checked into Playa Roca and while we were waiting for our room to be ready ordered fresh juice made from banana, pineapple, and orange juice. Delicious! It was so relaxing to watch the waves roll in, feel the warm breeze, and sip my cold drink.

I went in swimming a little while later, but the water is very strong and there is a danger of an undertow, so I mostly just waded up to my calves. I sat with Amadeus for a few minutes, but the splashing water was a bit scary. We went for dinner to a different hotel, Hotelito Oasis, and had pan fried fish. The fish was good, but the rice tasted dusty and crunchy.

The next morning I woke up and thought I might go in for a morning swim. Unfortunately, before I had even had breakfast, I had an onset of severely painful cramps, so painful that I would say it was worse than labour pain. They just went on and on, and I did my best to breathe and tried singing. Heilym took Amadeus and went in search of a pharmacy for ibuprofen, but he started crying so she brought him back. I delayed nursing him as I knew breastfeeding would make the pain worse, and eventually the cramps lessened a little and I couldn't stand to hear him crying anymore, so I breastfed him lying down and did a lot of slow breathing and yoga relaxation. We fell asleep, and then Heilym came back with the ibuprofen, which I gratefully took and went back to sleep. The ibuprofen cost 10 cordobas ($0.50) for 4 pills, for those who are interested.

When I woke up for the second time that morning I felt much better. I had breakfast, and then we walked along the beach to Hotel Olazul, to see if it would be a good place to stay if we came to the beach with my parents during their visit. It's a nice property and they have a pool, but the cabins each have only one bed, which doesn't work for our family. We had lunch, shrimp cocktail and fruit crepes, and juice. I also enjoyed a strawberry margarita, and it was very relaxing to sit in the shade and look out on the sunbaked sand as the waves rolled in and out. Amadeus crawled around on the patio floor quite happily for a while.

Since we had walked along the beach, Heilym didn't wear shoes. I was wearing my flip flops, but carried them most of the way. As we went up the beach to the entrance to the restaurant the sand got hotter and hotter, and I burned my feet! Ouchy! I put on my sandals but of course Heilym had no shoes. I thought I could throw her my shoes, but it was too far. So I asked a muchacho in the restaurant if he had a pair of flip flops we could borrow! He did, and Heilym made it up the beach without burnt feet. We enquired about buying the sandals, but they were not for sale as they were his only pair. So she put them back on to make it down to the water, and then I carried them back up.

Heilym got her first swimming lesson that afternoon from a twenty year old muchacho at our hotel, Patricio (Patrick). Apparently he is somewhat like a son to the owners, and not exactly an employee. He was sweet and cute, and I think made her beach experience that much more fun! That evening we had lobster for dinner, a great deal at $10 each! I think the lobster I had in PEI a few summers ago was better, but it was nice to eat it again.

The next morning we left the beach and stopped in Leon on our way home. It was hot and humid at 38 degrees celsius, and we were both sweating profusely. I was so sticky. Leon is very pleasant though, in terms of architecture and feel. We stopped in to the cathedral, which is the largest in Central America. I'm never quite sure what to look at in cathedrals--well, there it is, yep, it's big, look at those arches, okay let's go. Plus, there was a mass going on and it seemed like we were interrupting just by being there, wandering around.

In Managua we caught a taxi from one bus station to the other, and shared our taxi with a chicken! A man had a chicken in a rice bag (a large woven plastic bag), with a hole for the chicken's head. The chicken made the occasional comment on the journey, but didn't seem too perturbed. I asked the man, "Esta gallina es para huevos or para comer?" He assured me the chicken was for huevos (eggs), which was perhaps why the chicken was so content with her lot.

After six hours of bus travel (that's twelve hours within the course of three days!) we made it back home. I had hoped that the beach would be closer so we could go with my parents when they visit, but decided it was really too long of a bus ride for the kids, considering their ages and the amount of actual fun they'd get out of it. I'm glad I got to experience the beach though! A nice change, that's for sure.

Adventures ~ Esteli

2010-01-25T09:15:00.000-08:00

I went to Esteli for two nights with Eowyn, Amadeus, and Heilym while Eric was in Costa Rica. I quite liked the city and the area in general. The climate is similar to here. The BEST part about Esteli, though, was Cafe Luz. The food there is organic, and so, so yummy. I had humus, lasagna, roasted eggplant with vegetables and mozarella, chicken fajitas, pancakes, whole wheat toast, a BLT with roast chicken breast on whole wheat bread, amazingly delicious large cut french fries (papas fritas), and juice, juice, juice. I love the juice. Whole banana, pineapple, papaya blended with other flavours like ginger and orange juice, all from fresh fruit! Juices cost about $1.50 to $2 each, and meals ranged from $3 to $7 each.

We stayed our two nights at Cafe Luz in their room with two double beds, and they very accommodatingly brought in another single for Eowyn. The room would have cost $20 per night with the two double beds, but it was $24 a night with the extra bed. I also had to pay for towels, about $1.10 per towel.

The owner is British and has a three year old daughter, and Eowyn had fun playing with water in the central courtyard with her when we first got there. The women were cleaning with brooms and water from a hose, so I just took off all of Eowyn's clothes and they gave her a bucket and a brush. She loved it!

I decided it would be good to go see something in the area, so we went out to the Estanzuela waterfall. I hired a taxi to take us there, and we agreed on a price of 500 cordobas for 3 hours, pretty steep at $25 but I decided it was worth it. The road was very rough and it took us about half an hour to get to the top of the trail. I hadn't realized that we would need to walk a ways to access the waterfall, and when the taxi driver told me it was 5 km I just about had a heart attack. No way we were going to be able to walk that and not be totally exhausted with a baby and a 22 month old. I felt pretty disappointed, and it was hot out. The people collecting our 10 cordobas for entry told us it was about a 20 minute walk, which did not equate to 5 km. So I decided we would walk for 20 minutes and if we weren't anywhere we would turn back. The road down to the waterfall was very rocky and steep in areas, and you would need a four wheel drive to go down it. Or a horse. Within twenty minutes I heard the falls, and we came upon a rocky shore with a shady pool and a very pretty waterfall tumbling into it. I changed into shorts and a tank top I had bought that morning, took off Eowyn's clothes, and we went in for a dip while Heilym held Amadeus. The water was cool, and after a few minutes of twirling Eowyn in the water and splashing she was covered in goose bumps, had blue lips, and was shivering. I got her dressed, dressed myself, and then dipped the baby's feet in. We then had a great snack of bananas, chocolate, and oranges. I don't have any pictures because Eric had the camera in Costa Rica, but Heilym took a few photos on her cell phone. When she puts them on the internet then maybe I can get them and post them here.

The taxi driver hung out and smoked a cigarette on the far side of the pool. Nice paid holiday for him! I was actually a bit nervous about him accompanying us, but another group of people ended up walking down the trail with us as well, so I didn't ask him to go back. There were two funny things that happened on the way back with the taxi driver. First, Eowyn had been eating a banana and she decided she was all done, but there was still half a banana left. I didn't want to throw it away, and I thought it would be funny if I offered it to the taxi driver. To my surprise, he took it and ate it, even though Eowyn had had her hands all over it! The taxi driver offered to carry a bag, so I handed him the bag of garbage. After a while he asked Heilym what it was. As soon as she replied, "Basura," he flung it up into the grass and bushes in the embankment above us. And I wonder why there is garbage littered everywhere! We instantly exclaimed that he couldn't do that, and I asked him to go get it. He protested, saying that everyone does that, it's no big deal. I insisted. He scrambled up the embankment and retrieved the bag, which I then gave to Eowyn to carry. She did a much better job.

I was thinking of going to visit CoolTop, a ranch that the guy behind Nicaliving.com owns, but the road was worse than the road to the waterfall, and I didn't think we would have enough time. So we went back to Cafe Luz and had a great dinner!

The next day I checked out the Casa Cultura, which is a center for artists in Esteli. I saw some neat paintings, one of which I quite liked but he was asking $250! I was hoping to find something for $50. Also, the artist was not very friendly. Maybe that shouldn't be a requirement for buying a painting, but, whatever. On the opposite corner from the Casa Cultura was a store that sells items made by craftspeople and artisans. There's nothing similar in Jinotega, so I bought a few stone carvings, wood jars, shirts, and the like. Cafe Luz also had handmade soap, notecards, and journals, so I bought a few of those. I didn't find Bioland products at the supermarket, but I have heard they are available in Esteli, maybe at a natural food or medicine store.

We were going to eat at La Casita for lunch before taking the bus home, a restaurant that apparently has amazing bread and cheese and natural foods, but after we got out of the taxi and it drove away we discovered they were closed until 2pm. We took a taxi back into town and ate at Cafe Luz, and then caught the bus for home.

Photo

2010-01-19T18:16:00.001-08:00

I don't have my camera at the moment as Eric has it in Costa Rica. For those of you wondering why I didn't take a photo when I first got my hair cut. I do have a webcam that takes pictures, but it has no flash and it was dark by the time I finished my appointment.

Today I got my hair styled, and here is a photo with my webcam camera, taken on my upstairs balcony/hallway (the one where my little black cat friend makes an appearance). I couldn't figure out how to look at the camera; I was trying to look right at it but it still looks like I'm looking somewhere else.

I realized that this hair cut is essentially the same hair cut I had in second year university, when I was 19. I always thought that was my best looking year, and I've tried to get the same haircut but have never succeeded. I remember I would put a few minutes into styling it, which probably also made a difference. This hair cut I have now, if I let it air dry I do slightly resemble a shaggy dog. But I love it when it's styled!

And a picture of Eowyn and me--we've spent some pretty solid time together these past two weeks, but haven't had a camera to record any of it!

Amadeus' Birth Story

2010-01-16T19:37:00.000-08:00

Amadeus was conceived when my second child, Eowyn, was only seven months old. Because I was pregnant so close to a previous birth, my body didn’t have time to fully recover. I found being pregnant in the winter with a baby who wasn’t yet walking very difficult, especially as when I lifted Eowyn I would strain my belly, which was very painful. I hired someone to help me so I could take the kids on walks without having to push the stroller or pull the sled, which also strained my belly. As the snow melted and Eowyn learned to walk, things were improving, but then at 31 weeks pregnancy I started having regular, mildly painful contractions. This was a concern, as I did not want the baby to born too early. I really cut back on my activity, and Eric was able to take holidays starting at the end of May. I continued to have mildly painful, regular contractions once or twice a week. My midwife, Christina, provided a number of suggestions and remedies, including taking a bath, rubbing essential oils on my belly to help slow down the contractions, and taking magnesium. The magnesium seemed to help the most. My cervix did not actually appear to be dilating because of the contractions, which was also a good sign. So at 37 weeks, when we were in the all clear for a home birth, I was ready to have the baby! But, the baby was not ready to be born. I continued to have regular, mildly painful contractions here and there, but they did not develop into labour.
On Monday, July 13, 2009 I woke up at 4:30am and noticed I was having some mildly painful contractions. I got up to go pee, and dozed until 5:30am, having noticed four contractions during that time. It was difficult to go back to sleep at 5:30am, but I think I eventually did. When I woke up later I was still having the same type of contractions every 10-15 minutes, but they felt slightly different to me than all the other contractions I had had during this pregnancy. They felt like they were actually doing something to my cervix—I could feel them in a deeper way. I called Christina around 10 or 11am to let her know that “I might be having a baby today!” We were scheduled to have an appointment at my house at 7pm, and I said I would call her at 5pm to let her know what was happening. I also called my sister Annie at work (I had to track her down through a friend’s cell phone) to let her know that I might be needing her.
The contractions continued into the afternoon, and I felt irritable and moody. A few hours later things were still the same, and I was getting impatient. I either wanted labour to start or I wanted the contractions to go away. I was curious to see if natural methods of labour augmentation would have any effect, so at around 3:30pm natural prostaglandins and oxytocin were employed. At around 4:30pm my contractions began to pick up, and by 5pm they were every 5 minutes.
I called Christina and let her know that things seemed to be happening, but I wasn’t sure if this was really it. She said that it sounded promising, but that it could still stop, which I was aware of, so I wasn’t really convinced that I was going to have the baby soon. She asked if I wanted her to come over, and I said no, I was fine, and she should just come for our appointment at 7pm. We pulled the already blown up birthing tub out of the downstairs office and into the rec room (we learned from Eowyn’s birth not to leave blowing up the tub to the last minute!) and added a few last minute bits of air to make sure it was nice and firm.
I started to feel chilled, so even though I had had visions of myself laboring in something really nice looking, for the video and pictures I wanted, I ended up in my old but warm sweat pants and a shirt that didn’t match. I wanted to look sexy, because for one thing feeling beautiful is great and for the other thing birth is a totally sexual event (just remember how the baby got in there to begin with and that the baby comes out through the vagina!). But I always end up naked anyway, so I suppose in the end it doesn't matter what I'm wearing. I also turned on the space heater and it started to warm up the room nicely.
I called my sister, Annie, and she came over and arrived around 5pm. I was downstairs and sitting on the birthing ball, breathing through my contractions when she arrived. Eowyn and Elias came downstairs too. I started singing the worship song “All Who Are Thirsty”* through my contractions, and it really helped. Eowyn was acting quite clingy, and wanted to sit on my lap on the birthing ball. I tried to hold her on my lap, but when I had a contraction it was too much for me to hold her and sing through the contraction. I tried to get Annie to help me hold Eowyn on the ball while I had a contraction, but it didn’t work too well. She started crying when she couldn’t be on my lap, and so Annie & Eric took her upstairs. My singing carried through the house, and unfortunately every time I started singing Eowyn would start crying.
Annie and Eric divided up looking after the kids and making dinner, and I sat on the birthing ball downstairs by myself. I rocked on the birthing ball, singing every time I had a contraction. I called Christina again at 6pm, and by this time my contractions were about three minutes apart and I definitely could not walk or talk through them. I still wasn’t totally convinced I was in labour, as I had not seen a mucuous plug or bloody show, and I also didn’t think I’d seen enough mucous discharge over the previous few weeks to add up to a whole mucous plug. I had noticed an increase in discharge, but it just wasn’t very much at one time. I told Christina this, and she said that I had probably lost the mucous plug a long time ago, as I’d been having all those contractions for so long. I now finally believed that the baby would be born soon! Christina asked if I wanted her to come right away, but I said she should just come for 7pm, but come prepared for the birth.
By the time Christina arrived at 7pm I was really glad she was there! I had been looking at the clock from about 6:45pm on thinking that I was glad she was going to be there soon. She took a bit of video, and asked if I would like her to start filling up the birthing tub, and I said yes. The water was starting to sound really, really good.
I was wondering how dilated I was, because I was wondering how much longer the labour might go on. I was already having quite intense contractions, and I had only been in active labour for about two and half hours. I didn’t want to count on another fast labour like Eowyn’s. I asked Christina if she could check my cervical dilation, something I had deliberately decided against during my labour with Eowyn, as it can be uncomfortable and slow labour down, and it doesn’t change anything for the better in terms of how long you will be in labour, and it’s not a good indicator of how much longer it will be. But. Christina knew how I had felt about cervical checks before, as she was my midwife with Eowyn, and asked if that’s what I really wanted. She said that she could do it, but asked if I thought I might regret it later. She also said that she was quite happy with my progression, and that she felt no need to do a check. I thought about it, and thought that I might end up regretting it later, and that the labour was going to go how it was going to go. Christina also said that she thought it would be a good idea if Annie and the kids were close by and didn’t go too far on a walk, so this also gave me confidence that I probably wouldn’t be in labour that much longer. I decided against the cervical check.
I got up off the birthing ball to go the bathroom, and had another contraction right on top of the one I had just had because of the walking. I held onto the bathroom sink and sang through it. Then I went pee, and as I was getting up I had another contraction and held onto the bathroom sink again and sang through it before shuffling back over the birthing ball. The contractions were getting more intense, and I found the singing really amazing. When the intensity of the feelings deepened and my cervix was really opening I just sang more passionately.
When the tub was ready I took off my clothes as fast as I could and got into the hot water, which felt absolutely wonderful. I tried squatting on my heels, but found that I was most comfortable kneeling in the water with my head resting on the inflated side of the tub while I was having a contraction. I had to pee, but I didn’t want to get out of the tub because walking made me have contractions one on top of the other. Christina brought me a bucket to pee in, but that wasn’t working either, so she said it was okay if I just peed in the tub. It felt a bit strange to do that, but at the same time it made sense. Urine in a healthy person does not have any bacteria, plus there was a lot of water to dilute the urine. And I knew I’d poop in the tub later during the pushing, and that wasn’t a big deal, even though there’s bacteria in it.
Eric joined us, and he put his hand on my back through some of the contractions, which felt good, until at one point I didn’t want to be touched anymore. A warm, wet towel on the part of my back that was out of the water felt really good. The sensations got more intense and I just kept singing through it all, and I started to feel like pushing. I hadn’t had a feeling like I couldn’t do it or that it was too hard or that I was losing control, and I found transition was very manageable with the singing.
My water had not broken, and Christina said that if I stood up the water might break from the pressure and the pushing, if I wanted to do that. I didn’t feel that I needed the water to break, and I was fine with the way things were progressing, so I just stayed kneeling. I hadn’t felt the baby move in a while, so Christina asked if she could listen with the fetoscope. That didn’t work too well, probably because the baby was so far down, so she asked if she could listen with the Doppler and I said yes. I stood up out of the water and we got a nice, strong heartbeat. Standing up felt good, so I stayed there for a few contractions, holding onto Eric and moving my hips, while singing through them. My water didn’t break. Then I knelt back down in the tub again.
The urge to push was getting stronger, and I was really groaning and bearing down into them. All of a sudden I felt a great gush and surge of fluid as my water broke. Suddenly the intensity of the pushing contractions became almost overwhelming, and I felt like I was floundering and drowning. There was so much pressure, and I couldn’t tell if I was having a contraction or not, and I couldn’t sing anymore, and I could hardly even breathe. I said, “I think I’m losing it,” and Christina said, “Losing what?” and I said, “My ability to cope.” I felt annoyed that she asked me that—wasn’t it obvious? But then I thought that she was just making sure she knew what I was talking about. She affirmed me and said I was doing great, and Eric said so too. Christina also said that the pressure would be very intense right now because the baby’s head was starting to move through the birth canal. It felt like that moment went on forever. But I managed to catch my breath, and even though the pressure of the baby’s head was very, very intense, I took deep, slow breaths again.
The next contraction I pushed deeply and I reached down and could feel the baby’s head. I felt like I wasn’t out of control anymore. I was kneeling with my arms resting on the side of the tub. I pushed the baby’s head part way out, and then my contraction stopped so I stopped pushing. We rested like that for what seemed like a few minutes, and Christina pushed the skin of my vagina over the baby’s head a bit so I wouldn’t feel such a burning sensation. On the next contraction I pushed the baby’s head out and paused again as the contraction stopped. We rested. With the next contraction I tried not to push too much so that I wouldn’t tear, and I could feel his long body slide right out of me. A wonderful feeling of relief washed through me. The pregnancy was over! Eric caught the baby in the water, and Christina quickly unlooped the cord that was around the baby’s neck so there would be enough length for the baby to come to my chest. I turned over from kneeling and sat down, and there was my baby on my chest! I felt ecstatic, and cried, “Oh baby, oh baby!” He was born at 8:32 pm.
Elias came over and stood by the tub. Eric wanted to see if the baby was a boy or a girl, but I was just happy that the baby was born! We looked, and sure enough we had a boy! I said, “I knew you were a boy!” Eric invited Elias into the water, and he came in and stroked the baby’s head. I noticed Elias’ hands were cold, so I asked him to warm them in the water. My sister, Annie, came down the stairs with Eowyn just as we discovered that our baby was a boy. Eowyn immediately started crying, and then Amadeus cried too. Eric and Annie took Eowyn’s diaper off and got her into the tub, and she cried for a bit then settled down and stroked the baby. I felt bad that Amadeus’ first moments after being born were filled with chaos and crying, but at least it was the sounds of family. We found out the next day that Eowyn was getting sick and that was why she had been so clingy and had been crying so much. She had a fever the day after Amadeus was born and slept a lot of the day, poor girl.
After Eowyn stopped crying we had a good family time with the baby in the tub. I held Amadeus upright on my chest, and not too long after being born he started leaning to the right. I supported his neck and let him lean over and find my nipple. He mouthed it a bit, and then latched on.
The funniest moment was when Elias noticed there was blood in the water, and tried to get over to the other side of me to get away from it. This didn’t work too well for me as the baby was nursing on that side. Eric thought fast and told Elias that there was more blood on that side of the tub! So Elias went back to the other side.
I birthed the placenta in the tub, and then got out, with the placenta in a bucket and the cord still attached to the baby. We lay down in bed, with Amadeus still nursing. About an hour after he was born Eric cut the cord. We got settled and then Eric finally put Elias and Eowyn to bed at about 11 pm. Annie’s friend Harrison came to pick her up and drive her home, and he said hi quickly and peeked at the baby. Christina cleaned everything up and went home, after giving Eric and I instructions on what to do if I started hemorrhaging. They helped me upstairs, and since I was sleeping in a different room than Eric, Christina suggested I have a whistle handy in case I started bleeding and needed help. I had no complications though and everything was fine.
After such a difficult pregnancy with so much worry, the birth was very easy and Amadeus was perfectly healthy. What a relief! I am so thankful I had another amazing homebirth, and I feel very empowered by the experience.

*All Who Are Thirsty (lyrics)
All who are thirsty
All who are weak
Come to the fountain
Dip your heart in the stream of life
Let the pain and the sorrow
Be washed away
In the waves of his mercy
As deep cries out to deep
We sing,
Come, Lord Jesus, come
Come, Lord Jesus, come

Six Months!

2010-01-16T19:23:00.001-08:00

Amadeus was six months on January 13. Hard to believe! He is such an adorable little cutie. He doesn't have any teeth yet, but he is crawling! So fast sometimes. He has been working on getting his bum up in the air, and will teeter there on all fours, until he collapses into froggie position, and then pulls himself forward using his elbows and his toes. He loves grabbing everything, including noses, and putting everything in his mouth, including toes. I can't leave my feet on the floor when he is there crawling around, as he will make a bee line for my toes and try to chew on them.
He is full of smiles for everyone, and spends a lot of happy time with Heilym and Juana. But he still knows I'm his mama. He's got special smiles just for me and makes sure to let me know he wants me by smiling and crying, especially if he wants milk. I think he loves going on bus trips because he gets to be in the wrap carrier and just be held by me and breastfeed.
He sleeps in about two hour increments, and is easy to get back to sleep with breastfeeding. He spits up a lot less than he used to, although he still spits up a few times a day.
I haven't given him any food yet, but plan to give him pureed homecooked brown rice sometime after Eric is back from Costa Rica.
He LOVES to sing, and will sing along with us. So cute.
He is still blowing bubbles to let me know he needs the potty, and does it more when I offer positive reinforcement by actually putting him on the potty. It's still pretty amazing to me how clever babies really are.
Since he is six months old, I figure it is high time I share his birth story, which I have been promising for half a year! I'm going to make that it's own post, though.

I Left My Hair In Nicaragua

2010-01-15T21:46:00.000-08:00

Well, not all of it. I went to a salon de belleza today, and got a corta de pelo (haircut) and leg waxing. Heilym recommended the salon and said the woman there was very good.

I started to get worried as my hair got shorter and shaggier. Was I going to end up looking like some hairy mutt? I told myself to relax, and that for $2.50 (50 cordobas) whatever she was doing at least wouldn't cost me much. Unlike my last haircut in Whitehorse, which I paid $40 for and was not happy with. After she applied some goop for shine, a blowdryer, and her round brush, I relaxed even more. I put my glasses on, and wow, I look younger with my new hair! Twenty five, here I come. Of course, the problem is I have neither a hair dryer or a round brush. But not to worry--if I want her to style my hair without cutting it will only cost me $3.50 (70 cordobas). Why is styling by itself, which is included in my cut, more than the cost of a cut? I have absolutely no idea.

The leg waxing was fine, although she used the same cloth for my whole leg, so I think some hairs ended up getting broken off instead of ripped out. Maybe that's why it didn't hurt too much. There was a teenage girl there who was quite interested in the process of my legs getting waxed, and asked if it hurt. My legs of course are super white, so they looked a lot like plucked chicken legs after she was done. Which may have also been part of the teenage girl's fascination.

The salon itself is a front room in Lilliam's home. Her kids were playing in and out of the space as she was cutting my hair, and other women came in and sat on the couches waiting for their turn at beauty. Her large bird, possibly a parrot, kept squawking from it's cage in their central courtyard, which is a concrete area open to the sky, one step down from the hallway that goes past it, and filled with large plants in pots. When Heilym came in with Eowyn and the baby, Lilliam started asking her to give English lessons to her daughter. I suggested her six year old daughter and four year old son come to play at our house sometime. She LOVED that idea.

I left a lot of my hair on her floor, and I'm glad I did. A great haircut and some new friends for the kids! And the haircut and leg waxing together only cost $15!

Jinotega Managua Jinotega In One Day

2010-01-10T20:18:00.001-08:00

It's been chilly here the past few days and I don't have a proper sweater, so I've been feeling cold as the wind whistles and bangs through the house and the roof. There's no heat system, and no way to close the house to the outdoors.

So, I started thinking about where I could go that would be warmer. Esteli probably has about the same weather as here, so I thought maybe Managua would work. Sure enough, at 8:15 this morning accuweather.com said Managua was a perfect 25 celsius. Heilym and I decided to try to catch the 9am bus. We dashed around throwing clothes on children, ourselves, and in the backpack, and then took off up the hill toward the bus station.

The other reason I wanted to leave the house was because our landlady's husband supposedly, according to her employees, was going to remove our washing machine today. We all love the washing machine. So in a truly Latin American maneuver I decided it would make a lot of sense to be conveniently not home if he happened to drop by. In some ways I think I was born to live in this culture.

Anyway, we arrived at the bus station to find that the 9am bus had already left, and was full anyway. There was a 10:30 option, but that appeared to be full as well, although two men offered to sell us their tickets. I didn't want to get such a late start, as we would have to take a 5pm bus home. Heilym has a friend who drives a taxi, so we decided to call him and find out how much he would charge to take us to Empalmas de Guyacan, the crossroads of the new highway from Jinotega and the highway from Matagalpa to Managua, where buses pass on their way to Managua every half hour. He didn't answer his phone. We flagged a passing taxi, he gave us a quote, we got in. Twenty five minutes later we were in Guyacan, and a few minutes after that were on a bus on our way to Managua.

The bus, which was a schoolbus, was extremely crowded, and we had to stand at first. In truly Nicaraguan style, two young men gave up their seats for us, and after Eowyn started crying because she was two seats in front of me with Heilym, other passengers switched their seats around so we could sit together. Eowyn of course wanted to sit on my lap, so I had the baby in the wrap carrier and Eowyn perched on one knee. She eventually decided to lie down, which was a bit better.

When we arrived in Managua I bought a 6pm return ticket to Matagalpa, as we were told the last bus for Jinotega would be leaving at 4pm, which I thought we might not make. I declined the taxis offered inside the bus area, and we walked out to the road. I preferred to take a taxi that was driving by as opposed to one that was waiting around, as it would be more likely that a scam would occur with a taxi driver who was propositioning us. Flagged a taxi driving by, and agreed to a price for him to take us to Centro de Las Americas, a new mall. Yes, a mall.

I do not love shopping, but for some reason I thought I would enjoy being in a mall again. A taste of North America. The mall was noisy, noisy, noisy, and of course had nothing useful. We ate lunch in the food court, a Subway sandwich, which I ordered and then remembered that I shouldn't eat lettuce, tomatoes, green peppers, or anything else that is fresh and has not been peeled. So I had my chicken sub with pickles and olives, not exactly what I had in mind.

I thought perhaps the mall would redeem itself with a bookstore, but the bookstore had very few books, none in English for me to enjoy. I checked out La Colonia supermercado, which had the same things as La Colonia in Matagalpa, just in larger quantities. They did have the Bioland organic conditioner for the shampoo I bought in Matagalpa, though, so that was good. And I bought Elias and Eowyn each a t-shirt for a little over $5. Not an amazing price, but not bad.

The highlight of Eowyn's mall experience, besides getting a shirt, was the horse carousel ride and the train ride. At $0.50 a ride I figured I'd splurge. For some reason, which I don't entirely understand, she totally loved the rides. She got to ride the carousel twice. She looked so cute sitting on her brightly painted plastic horse, grin on her face, wind in her hair. Definitely worth the dollar.

From the mall I wanted to go to PriceSmart, the Cosco of Central America, to check out what items they carry. We found the taxis, and Heilym very smartly negotiated the taxi price down from 100 cords to 80. PriceSmart had pretty much what I expected, although not a good selection of jams or peanut butter (no all peanuts peanut butter) and no nut butter. They did have nuts though, almonds, cashews, or walnuts for less than $15 for what looked to be a 1kg bag, and olive oil (cold pressed extra virgin), and a bunch of other stuff that of course I can't remember and didn't write down. Didn't buy anything as you have to be a member.

It was 3pm when we left PriceSmart, and I had heard there was at least one sushi restaurant in Managua. We had asked our previous taxi driver if he knew of any, and he told us there was one fairly close by. We found another taxi and he took us there.

The restaurant, Sushi Itto, had great decor, very Japanese feeling, and the food was good. Prices were similar to a medium expensive Canadian sushi place. We got a California roll, a salmon roll, miso soup, yakisoba, and tempura for about $26. Also orange juice, yummy and refreshing. It was Heilym's first time eating sushi, and she really liked it. Eowyn of course loved the California rolls, and while she was trying to stick a chopstick into the tempura sauce, to get some I suppose, she spilled it all over the table. Not a big deal. She absolutely loved the orange juice and drank practically a whole glass herself.

We finished eating around 4:30pm and caught a taxi to the Mayoreo bus station. This driver was very chatty, and had lived in Pennsylvania for a few years. I was tired, though, so I let Heilym do most of the conversing. He asked if my husband was also from Canada, and when I said yes he said I had better watch out for my husband with the women in Jinotega! Too funny.

When we arrived at the bus station we found out there was a 5:30 bus to Jinotega after all, which was great. I was able to change my Matagalpa ticket with no problems, and we got on the bus. This one was a school bus with charter bus seats, nice and comfy.

I had a great emotion coaching opportunity with Eowyn not long after we left Managua. I had brought along a little knitted finger puppet, a mama monkey with a baby monkey on her back, that my sister had gotten me from her travels in South America. I had given it to Eowyn to hold, and then was busy nursing the baby when she stood up on Heilym's lap to look out the window. We stopped for a few minutes because of an accident on the road, and Eowyn dropped the puppet out the window. She wanted to get it back, but of course we started moving and there was nothing to be done. The monkey was gone. "Monkey, monkey, monkey!" she cried in distress. I empathized with her, "I know you feel sad, it's very sad the monkey is lost," and rubbed her back a bit. I told her that I felt sad the monkey was gone too. She started to calm down a bit and I told her that I felt sad about other things I had lost, like a shirt I had that one day disappeared and I never, ever found, and some doll clothes that a lady had made for me when I was seven that had fallen off the moving truck and were never found. I do still miss those things.

She listened with interest, and asked, "Baby dolly?" I reassured her that her dolly was safe at home waiting for her, and that her puppy and Elias' monkey, and her other baby dolly and the other little stuffed monkey was there as well. She seemed reassured by this, but then said again, "Want monkey." I told her, "You dropped monkey out the window, and monkey is lost." She cried a little again, and I just sat with her. Eventually she moved on, but throughout the trip home she would occasionally ask, "Monkey?" and I would tell her that monkey is lost and we can't have monkey anymore because she dropped it out the window. She would accept my answer without crying.

May I suggest a plastic water bottle with a very small amount of water left in it as a fantastic bus toy, along with a cell phone that plays rock music. The cell phone convinced Eowyn to sit on Heilym's lap, which was nice. We got home without further incident around 8pm, and walked the 6 blocks home from the bus station. It was nice to stretch our legs. Both children were quite tired, and fell asleep between 9 and 9:30. I was surprised Amadeus was so tired, as he had slept on the bus!

It was a day full of bus travel, but I'm really glad I did it. It's really good for my mental health to know I can leave a place if I need to, even just for the day. And Managua was warmer, which was really nice. Not like Whitehorse, where the only place you can get to in two and half hours is a wilderness full of the same snow and cold! Being able to adjust my climate by elevation is pretty awesome.

I was really happy with how the kids travelled, too. Granted, I didn't have Elias with me, as he is in Costa Rica with Eric, but it's good to know that Eowyn can basically handle long bus rides. And that I can handle long bus rides with the kids!

Hallways That Are Actually Balconies And Friends That Eat Creatures

2010-01-08T21:24:00.000-08:00

Yesterday evening I was sitting at my computer when out of the corner of my eye I saw something small and black moving on the hallway/balcony. A little black cat was poised at the top of the stairs, and when I got up he ran down them and outside, either through the garage or the kitchen gate. I saw him nimbly fleeing up onto the roof of the neighbour's house.

Tonight I looked up and there was the little black cat peering around the corner with huge reflective eyes. We stared at each other for a moment, and then he fled in the opposite direction of the stairs when I got up from my chair. I didn't see where he went this time, although I am assuming he made good on the rooftop escape.

I only hope he's not hiding in the bedroom, as the door was open and he was running that way. Fleas and other tagalong creatures would not be welcome. The bug nets come in handy yet again, though, as at least I don't have to worry about him getting all cozy on the bed.

I haven't seen our newest little mouse friend streaking across the kitchen in a few days, perhaps courtesy of my even newer friend the black cat. Wouldn't it be great if the little black cat decides to stop a while in my kitchen and attend to a few cockroaches too!

Una Casa de Muchachas (and the baby)

2010-01-07T14:20:00.000-08:00

Eric and Elias have gone on a two week adventure to Costa Rica, so it is just me, Eowyn, my two helpers, and the baby here in Jinotega. One of my helpers lives here, and the other one is here 8am - 5pm.

Eowyn of courses misses Daddy, but she seems to be doing okay. So far we are doing really well, and she is going to sleep by herself in her bed (right next to mine) at night, which is a blessing.

Yesterday we all went to Matagalpa to try to find some items we can't find here: brown rice, olive oil that isn't $100 a bottle (maybe not quite, but it is super expensive), organic shampoo and soap, and books. Yes, books.

There is nowhere in Jinotega to buy books. No adult novels. No children's picture books. Nothing. You can buy paper to write on but you cannot buy things to read. Jinotega city is the 'urban center' for the region of Jinotega, whose population, as far as I can tell, is comprised mostly of people who live in rural, mountainous regions. Which puts a whole new perspective on poverty. So far I have not really encountered people who do not have enough food to eat, although I know there is a rather large portion of the population who probably have very poor nutrition. But if you cannot buy books here, that must mean that a large portion of the population here does not have books. Most people who are on the lower income scale probably do not make regular trips to Matagalpa, and even in Matagalpa the selection is very limited. There are three stores that sell books, and the selection of children's books is awful. There are no chapter or picture books for children over the age of five. I'm sure you can buy books in Managua, but again, that is a long way from here, three hours by bus.

So yesterday I bought the best of the books I could find: a board book for Eowyn called "Formas" (shapes), with pictures of different shaped objects and their names in Spanish; a collection of colouring books with the names of the pictures (farm animals, sea animals, jungle animals etc.) in both Spanish and English; two books of poetry by Ruben Dario, a Nicaraguan poet; a chapter book about a pony that was written a while ago; Don Quijote; and Brida by Paulo Coelho, in Spanish. Juana picked the book of poetry and the pony book for herself and her 11 year old daughter, and I gave her two colouring books for her younger children. These were Christmas presents, as I was sick before Christmas and wasn't able to go to Matagalpa to look for books. Heilym and I are reading Brida, although I pretty much don't understand any of it.

I asked Juana what books she has in her house, and she said she has a Bible, two novels, school books for her children, a history of Nicaragua, and a few other books for children. She also has a TV and gets the three Nicaraguan channels, which play sitcom/drama type shows, some movies in Spanish, and have ads for everything from furniture stores to rent a car to Coca Cola and Pepsi. It seems books are scarce but TV is free and easy. What else is new, right?

On the casa de muchachas theme, Heilym and I, with the two children, stopped by the Casa de Materna today. This is a house run by an NGO where rural pregnant women can come and stay when they need hospital care. It is free, but I think they have to cook their own food and often provide their own food as well. The casa tries to raise money to pay for some food for them.

I learned a lot today by talking to the director. The Casa de Materna also provides education to parteras (rural midwives) regarding nutrition, prenatal care, complications, and birthing emergencies, and is trying to get them to encourage women to come to Jinotega to give birth in the hospital, in case of complications. This is part of a government program to reduce mortality rates. The Casa de Materna also provides the women who are there with education about their bodies, birth control methods, birth itself, and nutrition.

Apparently the hospital here has a new program where rural women can come with their partera to the hospital, and although there is a doctor there supervising the doctor does nothing unless there is a complication. The director said that part of the program is to allow the women to give birth standing up if they want, instead of lying down on the bed.

I am trying to reserve judgement until I know more, but......of course I am full of instant opinions.

I think the hospital program, what I know of it, has at least some of the right idea, but the idea I got from the way the director said this is that it is not necessarily considered best practice for women to birth standing up (as opposed to lying down) but that the women refuse to lie down because they are not used to it, so the hospital staff has decided to allow them to birth standing up. Do you get the difference?

I think it's pretty amazing that these women are objecting to having how they birth dictated to them, considering most of them lack education and many worldly resources and they are encountering the supposedly better way of the medical system, which in Canada anyway, is perceived to have a lot of authority.

It seems to me that birth practices in the U.S. have taken power away from women ALL OVER THE WORLD. Practically every medical system in the world has bought into the lies of the U.S. birthing system. Maybe this is because these falsehoods are a result of the medical system itself.

And I can't help but wonder, if there is a male doctor in the birthing room, however little he may be doing. how does that change the birth process for these women? Not to mention they are in an unfamiliar environment, in a hospital that is most likely not very quiet or private (I have yet to go there but I have heard that the free health care provided here is not what we are used to in Canada), and they are probably afraid because they are far from their community.

There is also the matter of thinking that removing women from their communities to give birth is a good idea. I understand the background, that women are dying because they have improper nutrition and so when they give birth they are depleted and more prone to complications. BUT, and it's a big but, the stress of traveling a long distance, being far from family, the financial stress of having to buy food and survive in a different place, the stress on the family because of other children the woman has to leave behind in the community, all these things may add to the complications of the birth. This idea is practiced in northern Canada, where rural women travel to a major center, in the Yukon it's Whitehorse, to give birth in the hospital. There have been a few studies done using case studies of women in Australia and northern Canada that show that it is actually counterproductive for women to travel and give birth in a different place. Apparently this program here in Nicaragua is quite new, about a year old, so I imagine there have not been many results yet.

My initial opinion is that it would make more sense to fund programs that provide education to parteras, to fund programs that provide nutritional education to communities and supply seeds or tools or whatever so people can learn what foods are nutritious and how to cultivate them, and to fund rural educational programs that teach both young women and men about the woman's fertility cycle, how to read sympto-thermal signs, how pregnancy depletes a woman's body, the importance of spacing children a few years apart, and healthy coping and communication skills for both men and women as violence is a big problem.

These are my initial criticisms, whether rightly or wrongly I have yet to discover. There is a problem with maternal and infant mortality here, a big problem, and it does require a solution. But I don't think anti-feminist practices are the answer. The key, like most things, is of course education and empowerment. But how to accomplish that is the question.

And I think attitudes about best practices ARE important. What the health care providers think is best practice will make a difference in their attitudes towards the birthing women and the parteras, no matter what practice they are allowing.

So maybe my direction here will be education of health care providers about what are truly best practices. If that is actually a problem. I have yet to actually find out. The language barrier is always an issue, of course. As I said in a different post, though, the rate of C-sections at the hospital here appears to be high. Out of 6 people I have talked to, only one had a natural, non-surgical birth.

Apparently there is a meeting next week with some parteras at the Casa de Materna. I have been invited to attend, so I hope it works out. I am very interested in meeting the parteras, and also women who are pregnant and staying at Casa Materna.

The director said some of the obstacles they face are:

getting education to the parteras, particularly those who live in remote areas. It might take two days with car and boat travel to reach these communities.
for these women who live in remote regions, getting them emergency care, which I am guessing is why they have the "encourage all women to come to the hospital in Jinotega" program
cultural barriers to Sympto-Thermo birth control methods (charting fertility cycles using cervical fluid and temperature), such as men only seeing women as baby machines, and therefore not working with their partner to not get pregnant; men thinking that their status as men depends on them being able to get their partner pregnant; and issues of incest and rape
money, of course, to fund everything they are already doing

I am keeping an open mind, just to reassure those of you who think I am jumping to conclusions. I do know that the situation here is different from Canada, but at the same time there are many similarities. Good birth practices are good birth practices. And to support my blatant opinions, here are some statements from the World Health Organization, which has a lot more authority on birthing in rural areas in developing nations than I do, that have helped form those opinions (all emphasis is mine):

Joint Interregional Conference on Appropriate Technology for Birth
General Recommendations

5. Informal perinatal care systems (including traditional birth attendants), where they exist, must coexist with the official birth care system and collaboration between them must be maintained for the benefit of the mother. Such relations, when established in parallel with no concept of superiority of one system over the other, can be highly effective.

7. The training of professional midwives or birth attendants should be promoted. Care during normal pregnancy and birth, and following birth should be the duty of this profession.

8. Technology assessment should be multidisciplinary and involve all types of providers who use the technology, epidemilogists, social scientists, and health authorities. The women on whom the technology is used should be involved in planning the assessment as well as evaluating and disseminating the results. The results of the assessment should be fed back to all those involved in the research as well as to the communities where the research was conducted.

10. The psychological wellbeing of the new mother must be ensured not only through free access to a relation of her choice during birth but also through easy visiting during the postnatal period.

17. Pregnant women should not be put in a lithotomy [lying down] position during labour or delivery. They should be encouraged to walk about during labour and each woman must freely decide which position to adopt during delivery.

Implementation of Recommendations

3. Obstetric care services that have critical attitudes towards technology and that have adopted an attitude of respect for the emotional, psychological and social aspects of birth care should be identified. Such services should be encouraged and the processes that have led them to their position must be studied so that they can be used as models to foster similar attitudes in other centers and to influence obstetrical views nationwide.

4. The results of the assessment of technology used in birth care should be widely disseminated, to change the behavior of professionals and give a basis to the decisions of users and the general public.

Timing

2010-01-05T13:01:00.001-08:00

That last post was a little random. I like to think of it as a prime example of my off-beat timing. They say timing is everything, so I'm not sure where that puts me. For instance, that post would have made much more sense near Valentine's day, where it would have had instant context.

Speaking of timing, this is my first post of the new year. 2009 has been quite possibly the most difficult year of my adult life, and I am very happy to leave it behind.

I became pregnant with Amadeus when Eowyn was barely seven months old, and at the time I didn't realize how challenging having two children so close together would be for me. Other people I knew had babies 17 or 18 months apart, seemingly without adverse affects. But I am not those people, as I now know.

Timing is everything. Would a few more months have made the difference between a year of stress and just normal life? Hard to know. But it's likely.

I was of course nauseous and tired at the beginning of the pregnancy, making it difficult to care for a crawling baby and a not quite three year old. At the end of January I finally realized that I needed to hire someone to help me cope, especially as I now could not pick up Eowyn, as I had strained my enlarged belly doing so. My physical pregnancy related ailments were compounded by my feeling of being trapped, since Eowyn was not walking and I could not carry her or even pick her up, therefore I could not go anywhere by myself during the day while Eric was at work and I was looking after the kids. This feeling of being trapped extended to everything in my life, including my parenting, my marriage, and the physical location of Whitehorse in the winter. All I wanted to do was GET OUT!!!! One depressed mama does not a happy family make.

Then of course there were the complications of premature labour contractions starting at 31 weeks, just as the weather was starting to warm up and Eowyn was able to walk outdoors. Plunge. Down. Stress. All I wanted to do was hold on until 36 weeks and then get this baby born! He was born at 39 weeks + 1 day, pretty much the exact same gestation as Elias, which felt to me like he was overdue since I had all those premature contractions.

I hoped that after his birth my body would recover quickly and our family life would return to normal. But not so. It took me three months to be able to carry Amadeus on a walk around the block without experiencing pelvic pain. Also, in late August I became quite ill with a virus and plummeted to a new low of depression. At this point I began to seek help from a naturopath for depression and increasing my physical resilience, and looked into counselling options. Which were few. I turned my sights toward Nicaragua and just hoped that this would provide the rest and escape we so desperately needed.

The first month and a half in Nicaragua, though exciting, was stressful, both physically and mentally, and it is only just now, in the past few weeks, that we have really been able to get into a routine. 2010 really is the beginning of a better year.

While the last year has been incredibly challenging, I am proud of myself for some things. First of all, I recognized that I needed help while I was pregnant and found a solution that was workable, by hiring a helper. I did what I could to cope with my situation.

There were many, many times I wanted to hop on a plane to somewhere warm and far away from all responsibilities. I was still nursing Eowyn, though, and that relationship was valuable to me, and I couldn't go anywhere by myself with her because I couldn't carry her, so I didn't leave Whitehorse. I stayed even when all I wanted to do was run away. And I kept nursing Eowyn. I'm proud of myself for that.

I made sure I was able to spend time with friends on my own, for some time out from everything. I talked to friends I trusted about what I was going through. I made use of my support systems.

After Amadeus was born, even though things were still difficult and I was struggling with some depression, I made sure that I spent lots of time skin to skin with him, bonding with him. I bonded with him despite what I was feeling. There may have been days that all I did was watch TV and hold him, but at least I was holding him and nursing him. So I'm proud of myself for that. I did not abandon any of my children during this very difficult time.

I am also proud of myself for trying to care for myself physically by going to yoga, both before and after Amadeus was born. And after Amadeus was born I tried to get out walking as soon as I could, and when I could push a stroller I would walk with him in the stroller. I'm also glad I didn't push my body too much beyond what I was ready for. There were a few times I overdid it and had pelvic pain and bleeding, but for the most part I listened.

This past year I experienced what it is like to have a physical disability, and I can tell you it is not fun. It was not easy for Eric, either. He also became constrained in his activities because I found it difficult to care for the children by myself, and then it became medically contraindicated when I began having premature contractions.

I am so thankful that I am not permanently disabled. I am so thankful that my body has healed. I am so thankful that psychologically I am coming to a better place, and that I am in a physical location where sun and warmth and continual greenery can aid that process.

I have a lot of hope for 2010. The hard, dark times, once you are through them, do teach you a lot about yourself and those you are close to. I know that I am resourceful. I know that Eric is committed. I know my children are resilient.

I'm hoping 2010 can be full of fun. I really want this to be a fun year. I want to have a lot of fun with my children, playing outside, being silly, getting creative. I want to have fun with Eric, talking, dancing, exploring. I want to have fun with my friends, blogging, emailing, talking on the phone, and when we can, having fun in person! And I want to have fun by myself, writing, reading, and researching my next big adventure, whatever that may be.

Okay 2010, here I am, ready for FUN! Let's play!

My Favourite Romantic Comedies

2009-12-30T08:07:00.000-08:00

I love a good movie, and I especially love a great romantic comedy. A good romantic comedy often manages to address some of the darker issues in life with humuor and grace. At the very least it is clever, with interesting characters and sharp dialogue, has a plot that makes sense and doesn't feel contrived, and has a satisfying ending. Here are some of the ones I've liked the best, in no particular order.

1. How To Lose A Guy in Ten Days
2. Music and Lyrics
3. Eagle vs Shark
4. Juno
5. Love, Actually
6. About A Boy
7. 50 First Dates
8. No Reservations
9. The Holiday
10. The Wedding Singer
11. Keeping the Faith
12. He’s Just Not That Into You
13. The Princess Bride
14. Before Sunrise
15. Just Like Heaven
16. Lars and the Real Girl

I'm Dreaming Of A White Christmas...

2009-12-25T10:37:00.000-08:00

Okay, not really. Last night I was missing the quiet and stillness that accompanies new fallen snow, and attending a candlelight Christmas Eve service. Here most people are Catholic, so they attend mass from 10pm to midnight, and then EVERYONE lights firecrackers and fireworks. It's crazy. So much for silent night.

I'm generally not happy at Christmas--it's sort of become a tradition for me, ha ha. I think part of it is because it feels like Christmas should just be imbued with deep meaning and spirituality, and I can never seem to get there in my mind and heart. So then I'm disappointed with myself and society in general. Reading the Christmas story never really sheds new illumination on the event for me, you know? And I think I feel there should be some sort of new revelation each Christmas. Like a really great Christmas gift, inside. But then there isn't.

I'm so depressing, aren't I? Sigh. I don't mean to be. Why can't I just enjoy what is: the tree, the food, the family and friends I have, the gifts I give, the gifts I receive, and just stop trying to make everything so meaningful? Just enjoy the material, aesthetic aspect of Christmas?

The funny thing is that this year I don't even have most of those things that make Christmas feel like Christmas. We don't have a tree or any decorations, no friends or family to get together with, and very few presents or Christmas food. I have been really appreciating the fruitcake, shortbread, and gingerbread cookies my mom sent us. She sent us some presents, too, and they are very thoughtful gifts that the kids really like. I think maybe the absence of most of the trappings of Christmas is helping to clarify for me what it is I expect from Christmas. I've never been big on decorating or doing Christmas stuff, and I don't really miss it that much. But there's a part of me that does.

Maybe I just need to learn how to party, you know? Like, just let go and celebrate, man! Listen to some feel good pop music, eat a lot of chocolate, drink a bit too much, eat a bit too much, talk too much, just hang and let the day be whatever it will be, without all these expectations.

But it's Christmas. And Advent is all about Expectation--expecting the arrival of God. And I know God is in the light of candles, and the singing of songs, and the gifts, and the decorations, and the laughter, and sometimes even the tears, between family and friends. But I always want something more. I've been pregnant three times. I've given birth three times. I know what it feels like, that moment your baby is born, when you've come through the waiting, waiting, waiting, months of waiting, and you've entered into the pain and let it move through you, let it move you and your baby down, down, down into that deep place of letting go and trying with all you have to breathe and hold onto breath, and you lose control of everything and you forget how to breathe and it feels like you are going to lose yourself, and then you somehow with the help of those around you find your center and keep moving and your baby keeps moving until finally that moment arrives, the moment of relief, of birth, of revelation and ecstasy. And in your hands you hold this fragile yet resilient new person who is, in and of themselves, a new revelation of grace, of goodness, of hope. I know that moment. There is nothing else like that moment. There is nothing else like meeting your baby face to face, a new revelation of each other after all those months of only feeling, knowing, pulsing. Finally seeing, holding skin to skin.

I know I am blessed that these have been my birth experiences. And maybe what I need to do at Christmas is just remember these things and let them be, just be, in my awareness. And not expect a new revelation, but reflect on the ones I've been given.

So, this is my resolution. This next year I will work towards being happy at Christmas. Wow, writing it like that is kind of scary. And I will work towards making Christmas really great for the kids. I will decorate. I will bake. I will not have a bad attitude. I will put the effort into making a great dinner and buying or making great presents. I will try not to think too much about consumerism or all those other isms and just have fun. I will not expect a great, new revelation but be aware of the little revelations (three immediately come to mind!) God has already given me.

Someone remind me to read this post next November!

Health Status Report

2009-12-22T20:17:00.001-08:00

Asheya: stuffy nose, sore throat, minor cough
Eric: fine
Elias: runny nose, sore throat, cough, fever
Eowyn: runny nose, cough, (maybe sore throat)
Amadeus: stuffy nose, cough, (maybe sore throat)

I now have the 'mom touch,' where I can feel a child's forehead/body and know if they have a fever. Eowyn just had a bout of coughing where she had trouble breathing, so I breastfed her and then rubbed eucalyptus oil on her (in a base of Sabemas oil--I'm not even sure what's in that stuff, but we've been eating it, so it can't be bad to rub it on her...). Elias woke up when she was coughing, he started coughing, and walked shakily to the bathroom. He went back to bed and Eric snuggled him. When I was rubbing the oil on Elias' back and chest I discovered he has a fever.

The good news is that while everyone is sick, no one is really, really sick.

Unrelated to the cough/cold we have, Eowyn fell on the three stairs down into our dining room and bit her bottom lip. There's a cut on both the front and back of the lip: I'm not sure if a tooth on the bottom went through or if a tooth on the top and the bottom bit on either side. That was this evening, while Eric was on his way back from Esteli. I tried to call him but there was no cell service. I assessed the cuts and determined that she didn't need immediate stitches or medical attention (no gaping holes, fairly small in size, not bleeding profusely). The most important thing is to keep the area from getting infected, so we will have to do a salt water rinse with her (fun fun fun!). I thought it would probably be more traumatic to try to figure out a doctor, at the late hour when all the kids were tired, than to just give her breastmilk (antibiotic naturally) and wait and see what Eric thought when he got home.

When I was assessing the injury and thinking out loud about the doctor and stitches, Elias started to get upset. He said it was fine that Eowyn got hurt and fine if we had to go the doctor, but he didn't want her to have to get a stitch. I asked him to please not make Eowyn scared, and that I could understand why he would say that, but the only reason we would go the doctor and get a stitch would be to make things better. It's so interesting to see how Elias responds to different situations sometimes.

Eowyn of course cried at the initial injury, then I convinced her to put her mouth on a pack of frozen berries covered in a cloth while I sang "My Bonny Lies Over the Ocean," then she nursed, and then she seemed to be fully recovered and continued eating stew. Which in hindsight I probably should not have let her do because of the possibility of infection in her lip. Sigh.

Baby's awake, got to go put him back to sleep!

P.S. (now that I've breastfed Amadeus back to sleep): I was breastfeeding Amadeus when Eowyn hurt her lip. I quickly handed him to Heilym, and so was able to focus on Eowyn. Heilym held Amadeus and looked on as I did the various things with Eowyn, and she also got me a clean cloth for the frozen berries. Very handy. Made everything a lot less stressful than if I was by myself!

Rain, Breastfeeding, and Other Miscellaneous Topics

2009-12-22T14:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday it rained here for most of the day, and it was (relatively) cold--15 degrees celsius. Not cold compared to Whitehorse (-30) I know, but cold for here. We all put on a couple of shirts, and socks, and I went to Punto Moda (a clothing and housewares store) to buy an extra blanket.

All the children and I have a cold, complete with stuffy noses and coughs. I was starting to feel like I might get chills, and I had been cold the night before, so I decided it was worth the $6 for a blanket. I was nice and toasty all night, and so was Amadeus. Unfortunately he has a cough, but it doesn't seem to to be bothering him too much. Eowyn has had a few bouts of coughing where she has trouble catching her breath, but I discovered that I had brought my eucalyptus essential oil, so I added a few drops to some vegetable oil and rubbed it on her chest and back. This has helped her to sleep at night.

We started getting sick a few days ago, the day we went as a family to Selva Negra. It rained that day too, but we thought it would quickly pass. We ended up walking over a kilometer in the rain, which probably didn't help our health much. I will post photos later, with descriptions.

The day before yesterday (Sunday) we woke up in the morning to find a drunk man passed out on the sidewalk in front of our house. He was covered in flies and had quite the odor emanating from him. He lay there all day. I wasn't sure if we should do anything--I thought about offering him a glass of water, but I admit I felt daunted by the language barrier and the fact that he was unconscious and smelly. I have seen alcoholics passed out in various locations around town (today there was a man sleeping under an awning that had been set up in the road for a temporary market), but this was the first time someone has been right outside our door. Sunday was hot and sunny, but it started raining in the middle of the night, and Monday morning he was gone.

On a totally different topic, I have been experiencing some pretty excruciating pain in my left breast the past few days. Sunday night before I went to bed it felt itchy, and at the time I wondered if it was a bug bite, and when I woke up in the morning my nipple really, really hurt. I thought maybe Amadeus had a bad latch in the middle of the night and I didn't notice, which may be the case, but it's probably also a candida (yeast) infection. It would be very strange for him to all of a sudden have such a bad latch, after five months of breastfeeding with no problem. I emailed Christina, my midwife in the Yukon, for advice, and she suggested lanolin as well as exposing the nipple to air and sunshine as much as possible. Of course, yesterday was rainy all day so there was no sun and I was cold! It was a miserable day of breastfeeding, and of course Eowyn wants to breastfeed multiple times a day because she is sick. I applied lanolin, though, and that helped the pain to improve a little. Today was sunny, and hopefully tomorrow will be too. I have never had thrush (candida) so I don't know for sure if that's what it is, but if so then I attribute it to the tropical climate.

Today Eric went to Esteli by himself. I have Juana and Heilym to help with the kids. I thought it would be nice to go the park, and for Elias to have kids to play with, so I asked Juana if she thought her children might like to come to the park with us. After breakfast we walked to her house (about 3 blocks away) and then walked with her children (ages 11, 6, and 4) to the park. Eowyn was quite grumpy on the way, and kept wanting to sit down (but not be carried!), but once we got to the park she cheered up. We all came back to our house for lunch, and Elias and Eowyn had a lot fun playing with Juana's kids in the yard. This is the first time we have met them, and since they have no school until February hopefully we will get together with them again.

The sun is setting here (5:15pm), Heilym is holding the baby, Juana is preparing fruit salad and cutting up vegetables for dinner, and Elias and Eowyn are playing on the front porch. Life is pretty good.

Visa Update

2009-12-18T17:28:00.000-08:00

I realized after talking with my friend Desiree in Whitehorse this evening (yes, our high speed internet is working and so is our MagicJack phone!!! Yay!!!), that I forgot to post about our visa dilemma.

So we went to governacion here, and spoke with a senora. Our passports are stamped for 90 days, but we also got these little pieces of paper that say 30 days. She concluded that we had the time allotted on the passports, and we never did find out what the pieces of paper were for. So we have until January 25. We can either pay a fee of about $40 each right before January 25 to stay in the country another 90 days, or we can go to Costa Rica before January 25 and stay in Costa Rica at least 72 hours before returning to Nicaragua. We haven't decided yet what we are going to do.

We will be going to Costa Rica at some point, but we are still deciding on when. And now, we have a helper to go with us!

Our Neighbourhood in Jinotega

2009-12-15T18:54:00.000-08:00

Our house in Barrio Mauricio Altamirano. The house is on the northwest corner of the intersection, and this photo was taken facing west.

The street to the west, leading to the bridge and the walk in the countryside by the cemetery.

The auto shop on the opposite side of the west street. My bedroom window faces this shop, so I get treated to lots of metallic banging, sawing, and clanging. Also, one of the many dogs that hangs out in our neighbourhood, and who we occasionally hear fighting at night.

The street to the south. The sign on the right says, "Se vende esta casa." The house is for sale.

The street to the east, which leads to the south park (6 blocks) and the mini supermarket, Pio Pio (1 and a half blocks), which stocks a large variety of items including staple foods (rice, beans, flour etc.), and some exotic foods like olive oil, wine, various liquors, and Welch's grape juice! This is the best mini supermarket in town. The yellow house on the corner is the house and place of business of the best costura (seamstress) in town.

The street to the north which leads to the central park (3 blocks) and the center of town. The little tienda (store) on the corner on the right (where the sign is) has fresh fruits, vegetables, eggs, and milk, among other things.

Adventures in Baking

2009-12-15T08:45:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was Juana's birthday. Elias has been wanting to make a cake by himself, so we decided to make a banana cake for Juana.

Because of the way the day went, we weren't able to make a cake for her before she went home. Elias had a very difficult day because of all the anticipation, and asking me every five minutes if he could make the cake now. Before we could make a cake we had to buy baking powder, and before we could buy baking powder the store had to be open. And the store was closed at lunch time, and then it was nap time, and then we had to make dinner. Dinner was roast chicken legs, and we needed our one baking pan to cook them in the oven.

Finally, after dinner Elias and I started on the cake.

First, he cracked all the eggs by himself. He is very good at this! No shells.

Then I added the butter and he creamed it. He and I added the honey together. He stirred it.

Then we added banana. He tried to mash it but it was too hard, so I did that and then he stirred everything together. I measured some sugar and he added it and stirred it in.

I measured the flour and baking powder and he added it and stirred it, and then a bit of milk which we took turns adding and stirring.

We poured the batter into the pan together, and the cake was ready to go into the oven.
Unfortunately, as Elias was getting down off his chair it fell over, and he hit his head on the cupboard. Ouch!

Elias made sure to tell me that I should turn the oven on and put the cake in the oven, so I did that.

About fifteen minutes later I checked on the cake to see if it was getting close to done. I stuck a knife in and it came out with batter stuck to it, so I figured the cake probably needed five to ten more minutes.

As I was putting the cake back in the oven I noticed that the oven didn't feel very hot. I glanced down and noticed there was no flame in the bottom of the oven (it's a gas oven). I tried lighting a burner on the stove, but it wouldn't light. We had run out of gas!

It was 8:45 at night, so everything was closed. We couldn't finish baking the cake! So anticlimatic, after all the anticipation and excitement, and the really great job Elias did at putting the cake together.

There was nothing to do but put the half baked cake in the fridge.

This morning Eric went and bought another tank of gas (the same kind that we use in Canada for the barbecue), and we put the cake back in the oven.

It turned out rather flat, but it tasted really good!

My Snuggly Little Boy

2009-12-14T15:47:00.000-08:00

A few days ago I was feeling sad, and Elias was very sweet. He didn't ask me what was wrong, and he didn't try to fix me. He just said, "Mommy, I want to snuggle you in bed for seventeen hours."

What a great response to sadness!

We didn't snuggle in bed for seventeen hours, but he did sit on my lap while we read through an entire reusable sticker book that Grandmom had given us for the plane ride. Those sticker books have come in very handy, for the plane ride and for occupying both of the children on the ground. The best part is, since the stickers are reusable they come off of all surfaces! Thanks Mom for such a thoughtful gift.

When Elias says sweet, snuggly things like that to me, it gives me some hope that maybe, in spite of it all, I'm doing something right.